Alexandra Kennedy - The Infinite Thread: Healing Relationships Beyond Loss

May you know that absence is full of tender presence and that nothing is ever lost or forgotten. May the sore well of grief turn into a well of seamless presence.

John ODonohue

The end is where we start from, writes T.S. Eliot, When we come to the final pages of a book, we have reached an ending, but if that book has been meaningful to us, the end of a book is also a beginning. As we close the cover, we take within ourselves what has touched and inspired us. Whatever we have read on the page can then become a part of us and of our lives. So it is when a loved one dies. That life is over. Yet if that person has touched you deeply, he or she becomes a part of you. You will carry that person within yourself always. Many other cultures took this process for granted; nurturing the relationships with the ancestors is an integral part of the fabric of daily life. Deep down, we know this toobut we have to be reminded.

I hope this book has challenged any assumptions that have made it difficult for you to connect with a deceased loved onefor example, that death has severed your relationships with loved ones, that it is too late to reconcile, and that you must resign yourself to living with your memories and regrets. I encourage you to let your imagination lead you past these limiting concepts into the unknown, where possibilities beyond your wildest dreams await you. Your imagination is a creative entity, an animating and healing force that can restore to you those you had considered lost.

Imagination heals by stretching youbeyond your comfort zoneinto new experiences. Until her imagination gave her this experience, Kira could ht conceive of tenderly rocking her father. Until her imagination allowed her to see, Candace considered it impossible to witness her fathers life through his eyes. Many of the vignettes Candace witnessed were painful for her to face, particularly that scene in which her father tried unsuccessfully to leave a marriage that was controlled by his mother-in-law. Imagination heals if you can wait for what comes and risk seeing and hearing what it sets before you.

As you commit to cultivating and deepening your relationships with deceased loved onesor with those who are living, for that matterthe internal communication exercises in this book will enable you to express love, work through unresolved issues, and find new possibilities for relating. Take advantage of the freedoms that the imagination provides; to express yourself without restriction, to break out of old patterns of relating, to step inside another person. You may feel exhilarated and excited as you make breakthroughs in old relationship impasses. You may feel immensely grateful to receive or give love that had not been possible when the person was alive. You may also feel vulnerable and raw as you touch old wounds or break through old taboos. And sometimes, to be sure, you may feel discouraged and resistant as you face unpleasant realizations or uncomfortable feelings.

You will experience many of these feelings and pass through several stages as you build a new relationship. First, you must experience the freedom of expressing what you think, feel, and want, including whatever has been repressed, held back, or silenced in your relationship. Amy vented her regrets and resentments in her letter to her deceased father; only then did she feel ready to forgive herself and him. Expressing yourself honestly and authentically to another person in the imagination will help build a sense of self-worth and confidence that is essential in building a healthy relationship.

In the second stage of building a new relationship through writing or speaking a response, you learn to provide a voice to the other person. As you do this, you may feel yourself to be simultaneously within yourself and within the other person, an experience that puts you in touch with that persons feelings and thoughts. This can be even more dramatic when, working with imagery, you step inside another and see the world through his or her eyes. Suddenly you understand the relationship from the other persons perspective. Compassion, understanding, and even forgiveness develop naturally at this stage.

In the third stage, a new relationship has finally emerged. Be prepared for changes in your relationship that didnt seem possible before. As you communicate with your loved one, the dialogue shifts from resolving past issues to an expression of intimacy in the present. After repeated experiences of connecting with your beloved through the imagination, your heart will acknowledge a comforting, affirming presence abiding withina presence you now trust to be accessible whenever summoned.

But youll find that this presence incorporates more than you thoughta sense of luminosity, wisdom, and immeasurable peace. You have come face-to-face with a sacred life force that pulses at the center of every being. Through cultivating and deepening your inner relationship with your loved one, you will have touched the divine.

1. Acknowledge the importance and power of this event. The death of a loved one shakes the very foundation of our lives. It is natural, though often uncomfortable, to feel raw and vulnerable, alone, out of control. Rather than resisting the powerful forces activated in grief, learn strategies for moving through it, stage by stage, day by day.

2. Take time each day to honor your grief. Set up a sanctuary in your home or in nature, a protected place where you can open fully to your grief for ten to twenty minutes every day. Using the sanctuary, gradually you will find a rhythm of entering the grief for a period each day and then letting it go and attending to daily tasks.

3. Address any unfinished business with your loved one. It is common for unresolved feelings toward your loved one to surface after his or her death. The grieving period is an important time to heal these old wounds and begin to say good-bye.

4. Participate in creating new family patterns. The family system is often thrown into chaos and upheaval after a parents death. Old patterns dont work with the same predictable results. The family may thrash around for months, seeking a new balance with one another. This is a brief window of opportunity when the family is opened up to change before a new system is established. You can either be thrown into this new system or consciously participate in creating new patterns that are healthy for you.

5. Explore the direction and quality of your life. The death of a loved one often initiates a period of painful questioning; Where am I going in my life? What do I really value? What are my beliefs? Does my life really matter? This questioning is a critical part of the grieving process. Out of it will come new perspectives, directions, and choices.

6. Dont pressure yourself to get back to normal. Many expect that grief will be over in a few weeks or months. Grief has its own rhythm, nature, and timing that resist our attempts to control it. For some, though certainly not all, there is a marked shift around the first anniversary of your parents death. However, as the years pass, the grief may well up from time to time. Each time it surfaces, see it as an opportunity for more healing.

7. Give yourself nurturance, love, protection, and encouragement. Clarify the expectations you had of your loved one that he or she never could fulfill. In seeing the relationship for what it was rather than what you wanted it to be, you can grieve what your loved one didnt give you and begin to appreciate what he or she did give you.

8. Let your friends know what you want and need from them. Offer them some suggestions of ways that they can help and support youperhaps bringing you a meal, doing some errands, giving you a backrub, taking a walk with you, checking in on you regularly. Assert your need to withdraw. Let him or her know about anything that he or she is doing that is not supportive. Encourage your friends to educate themselves about grief so that they will know what to expect. Remind them that grief takes a long time to heal.