Brenda Iliff - A Womans Guide to Recovery

A WOMANS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

A Womans Guide to Recovery

Written by Brenda Iliff

Director of the Hazelden Womens Recovery Center

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012

800-328-9000
hazelden.org/bookstore

2008 by Hazelden Foundation

All rights reserved. Published 2008

Printed in the United States of America

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwisewithout the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

ISBN: 978-1-59285-479-0

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Iliff, Brenda.

A womans guide to recovery / written by Brenda Iliff.

p. cm.

Includes index.

ISBN-13: 978-1-59285-479-0 (softcover)

1. Women drug addictsUnited States. 2. Women alcoholicsUnited States. 3. Women alcoholicsRehabilitationUnited States. 4. Women drug addictsRehabilitationUnited States. 5. Twelve-step programsUnited States. I. Title.

HV4999.W65I53 2008

616.86'03082dc22

2007038959

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-59285-781-4

All personal stories are used with permission. Names, dates, details, and circumstances have been changed to protect anonymity.

The views expressed herein are solely those of the author. This book is not an official publication of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., nor does it necessarily represent the policies or practices of the AA Fellowship, a program of recovery from alcoholism.

Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, and the Big Book are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.

12 11 10 09 08 6 5 4 3 2 1

Cover design by Theresa Gedig

Interior design by Ann Sudmeier

Typesetting by Prism Publishing Center

:: To those who are about to find out that it never has to hurt like this againand to those who love them

Real living begins on the far side of despair.

:: JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

Contents

What Is Addiction?

Women and Addiction Historically

What Causes Addiction?

Whats So Different about Women and Addiction?

Addiction Is a Disease

What Are the Symptoms of Addiction?

Powerlessness: The Most Powerful Place

Connection

The Program

Principles

Whats Different for Women in Recovery?

Safety

When All That Changes Is Everything

Recovery Is Our Number One Priority

More Issues in Early Recovery

Special Concerns in the First Month

Making Connections through Meetings and Sponsors

Structure

Keep It Simple

What Is Spirituality?

Why Do We Need Spirituality?

Living Spirituality

Practical yet Radical

Ongoing Process

Working the Twelve Steps

A Purposeful Life

Getting Stuck

Feelings in Early Recovery

Feelings Are Not Facts

Know and Own Our Feelings

Examine Our Thinking

Other Tools

Feelings Recovery-Style

Cross-Addiction: What Is It?

Cross-Addiction to Other Drugs

Cross-Addiction to Other Behaviors or Substances

Cross-Addiction: A Relapse Concern

Addiction Is Addiction

What Is Self-Care?

HALT

Physical Self-Care

Mental Health Self-Care

Managing Our Time

Just for Today

Addiction and Relationships

Recovery and Relationships

Patterns of Relating

Recovery Changes Relationships

Healthy Relationships

Boundaries

The Principles of Recovery and Relationships

Family

What Is Relapse?

Relapse Is a Process

Myths about Relapse

High-Risk Situations

Relapse Prevention

What If We Use Again?

Change Is a Constant

Possible Concerns in Ongoing Recovery

How Free Do You Want to Be?

Promises of Radical Change

Hear the Flutter?

Acknowledgments

I wish to express my gratitude to those who have gone before me and whose commitment to recovery makes possible so many stories like those of the women in this book as well as my own. While there are many who deserve to be named in this book, due to the anonymity of the Twelve Step fellowship they will remain nameless, but their stories and wisdom are included with a swell of gratitude. They have touched this world in a powerful way.

I wish to express thanks to Rebecca Post, a former editor at Hazelden, who suggested this book. She helped me realize the dream of a lifetime: to pass on information about the freedom of recovery to women seeking help. Karen Chernyaev, who edited the book, framed and guided the process. Her knowledge of both the publishing and addiction fields glowed as she provided guidance. The real backbone of this book was provided by the step-by-step work of Pat Samples, who took what I wrote and rewrote and kindly suggested changes. Her ability to give feedback in a kind yet helpful manner is a living example of wisdom and humility. Working with the experience and skill of these three women was a true gift.

Personally, I wish to express gratitude to my parents, family, and longtime friend Wendy, who have made the lifelong journey with me, every step of the way. Several decades, many years, one step at a time. May others be so blessed.

Introduction

This is a book of great hope. Its purpose is to assist women in their recovery from chemical dependency.

Addiction is messy. Very messy. Like a hurricane, it leaves massive devastation in its path. The addict spins helplessly at the mercy of the storm, losing peace of mind and self-respect. She may even lose her friends, loved ones, reputation, job, health, freedom, or life. Those closest to herfamily, friends, co-workers or schoolmates, community members, and othershelplessly watch her self-destruction, deeply pained over their inability to stop it. Meanwhile, they may pay dearly for her lies, failures, cruelty, and recklessness. So does society as a whole. The hurricane of addiction is no respecter of persons. It hurts those in its path and even those nearby. No one escapes unscathed.

The good news is that, despite the terrible devastation of addiction, many women have found a way out. There is a solution! Regardless of their drug of choice, lifestyle, mental and physical concerns, economic concerns, sexual orientation, race, culture, religion, or other differences, women are able to achieve freedom from the mess of addiction. If youre a woman whose use of alcohol or other drugs is creating havoc in your lifeeven in small waysyoull find hope in these pages. If youre a person who cares about an addict, this book will help you understand why its so hard for her to stop using and assure you that she can recover.

Although this book is written for women, its not meant to be exclusive or to create a separation between women and men. In fact, the core elements of addiction and recovery are the same for every addict, male or female. For that reason, addiction is often called the great equalizer. Yet, just as we take into account many other factors in dealing with someones addiction and recovery, so must we consider the persons gender.

Certain issues unique to women affect how they become addicted and how they recover. Women get started down the addiction path for different reasons than men do. Their addiction progresses faster, and generally their body and spirit have suffered more damage by the time theyre at the door of recovery. In addition, women typically touch more lives by their addiction since they are often expected to be the central stabilizing force in their families and communities. And women work on their recovery differently than men do. Because of their innate desire for connection, many women find that recovery is a natural process for them. All of these reasons have inspired the creation of this book to offer information and support to women.