Marta Maranda - What It Looks Like: An Awakening Through Love and Trauma, War and Music, Sports and History, Politics and Spirituality

What It Looks Like

Copyright 2014 by Marta Maranda

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means whether electronic, mechanical, by photocopy or recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the publisher and author. Published by Alchemadhi Publishing, 638 N. US Hwy 1, #156, Tequesta, FL 33469.

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Grateful acknowledgment for permission to reprint previously published material is made to the following:

EVERYONE WILL CRAWL: Words and Music by Charlie Sexton and Tonio K. Copyright 1995 Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Sextunes Music, WB Music Corp. All rights on behalf of Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC and Sextunes Music administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, 8 Music Square West, Nashville, TN 37203. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

GOOD SOULS: Words and Music by James Walsh, James Stelfox, Barry Westhead, and Benjamin Byrne. Copyright 2002 EMI Music Publishing Ltd. All rights for the U.S. and Canada controlled and administered by EMI April Music, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured. Used by permission. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation

I WILL SURVIVE: Words and Music by Dino Fekaris and Frederick J. Perren. Copyright 1978 Universal-Polygram International Publishing, Inc. and Perren-Vibes Music, Inc. All rights controlled and administered by Universal-Polygram International Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.

OVERVIEW OF DEVELOPMENTAL IMMATURITY ISSUES: Copyright Pia Mellody. Used by permission.

PAIN CYCLE: Adapted by Clint Withrow from Ill Quit Tomorrow: A Practical Guide to Alcoholism Treatment by Vernon E. Johnson. Used by permission.

THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM by Nathaniel Branden. Copyright 1994 by Nathaniel Branden. Used by permission of Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012914430

ISBN: 978-0-9857814-0-8

Also available as an e-book.

Cover design by George Foster, www.fostercovers.com

Typesetting by Fiona Raven, www.fionaraven.com

Logo design by Kevin C. Riley, www.rileydesigns.com

Printed in the United States of America

To my mother and father,

who gave me the courage and passion

to say, this stops here.

That intellect which knows when to act and when not to act, what is to be done and what is not to be done, what is to be feared and what is not to be feared, along with the knowledge of bondage and liberation, is wisdom.

Bhagavad Gita 18:30

Who are you? he was asked.

His reply was simple.

I am awake.

Buddha Shakyamuni

Its not true that life is one damn thing after another; its one damn thing over and over.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

If nothing has changed, then nothing has changed.

James Hollis, PhD

Never think youve got it all figured out.

Phil Simms

Outside noisy, inside empty.

Chinese proverb

As I turn to you and I say,

Thank goodness for the good souls,

That make life better.

As I turn to you and I say,

If it wasnt for the good souls,

Life would not matter.

Good Souls, Starsailor

The moment you see how important it is to love yourself, you will stop making others suffer.

Mallika Sutta

Its a long, hard road

From creation to the grave

Too many lost souls down here

Too few of them are saved

Its a real big picture

Starring one and all

Everyone here will play the fool

Everyone will crawl

Everyone will crawl

Its a mass production

Its everywhere you are

From the slaughter of the innocent

To the burning of the farm

Nothing is for certain here

And everybodys armed

The only thing thats guaranteed

Is everyone will crawl

Everyone will crawl

Yes we crawl through the heartbreak

Were crawling through the weeds

We crawl towards the love

Through the prejudice and greed

From queens and kings and presidents

The greatest to the small

Everybody, everyone

Everybody, everyone

Everyone will crawl

I dreamed I was flying

I dreamed I was found

Beyond the barbed wire

High above the underground

I dreamed I was flying

I dreamed I was free

Flying higher and higher

As the world fell below me

I climbed up on the mountain

And I snuck up on the Man

With my notebook of stone wide open

And my chisel in my hand

I said how come things are so tough down here

How come we all must fall

He said how you gonna learn to walk

How you gonna learn to run

How you gonna learn to fly

Until you learn to crawl

Everyone Will Crawl, Charlie Sexton

Contents

Note from the Author

T his book is an unconventional memoir. It was my intention to not only tell my story, but to become a facilitator of the stories of others who have touched my lifeincluding those from a distant time and placewith the hope of finding different ways to present the books two main themes: connections and consequences. Parts I and II focus primarily on my individual healing, and the tools, lessons, people, and places that changed my life along the way. However, the book takes a detour early in Part III and delves into global connections and consequences from a historical perspective before continuing on to the conclusion of my personal story.

The historical section was the topic of many discussions throughout all phases of writing and publishing this book. Some believed it was important to include the examples of how every connection and every consequence of both healthy and dysfunctional choices that apply to an individual work exactly the same way in every family, community, and nation, and how they affect the entire world. Others felt the historical section detracted from, rather than enhanced, my message.

To me, not including this section would have resulted in half a story, because while my healing may have begun with me, it didnt end there. Applying all that I learned in the clinic globally and through a historical perspective to the politics, wars, and events that were occurring at the time was important to further understanding and reinforcing those lessons, and essential to my healing. I felt it might be beneficial to others as well. But the historical section and departure from my story might not resonate with all readers. If this is true for you, feel free to skip from the break at page 228 to the break at page 303 (though I hope you will consider revisiting these pages at a later time). The remaining pages will take you through the changes in my personal politics, spirituality, and relationships, and to the conclusion of my story. Also, as you read, if you feel further clarification, details, or examples would be helpful, please refer to the Notes section in the back of the book.

All of the stories from or about the addicts, both in and outside the clinic, are composites, and some details have been changed to protect identities. Two stories about addicts in the clinic were relayed to me after I had left. The exact words spoken by me, my family, friends, peers, and counselors have been lost to time, and Ive written the quotes more from intuition than memory. Unless specifically expressed, the uses of masculine pronouns are gender neutral.