Marlene Winell - Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion

LEAVING THE FOLD

by Marlene Winell, Ph.D.

the apocryphile press

BERKELEY, CA

www.apocryphile.org

apocryphile press

BERKELEY, CA

Apocryphile Press

1700 Shattuck Ave #81

Berkeley, CA 94709

First published by New Harbinger Publications, 1993.

First Apocryphile edition, 2007.

1993 by Marlene Winell, Ph.D.

All rights reserved.

The excerpt from the poem "My Easy God is Gone" on pages 179-180 is reprinted with the permission of author James Kavanaugh, and publisher, Steven J. Nash (Highland Park, IL), from There are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves, copyright 1970, 1984, 1990.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Part I

Phases of Recovery Issues in Recovery

Making the Break Lifelong Process

Family and Social Pressures Benefits of the Faith Afterword

Fear Manipulations Guilt Manipulations Mystical Manipulations Denigration of Self Discrediting the World Group Pressure The Power of Authority Thought Control Closed System of Logic

Reasons for Leaving The Process of Leaving In Religions Wake Strengths in the Legacy Afterword

The Familys Influence Dysfunctions in Religious Families Family Health Versus Dysfunction A Note About Relationship Issues

Part II

Contacting Your Inner Child Assessing the Damage Afterword

The Adult Building a New Relationship The Adult as a New Parent

Fighting the Monster Crisis Intervention

Faith Versus Feelings Processing Feelings When Its Not Easy Afterword

Overcoming Fear and Anxiety Sorting Out Anger Working Through Grief Afterword

Part III

Identity Worth Ability

Learning to Feel at Home Accepting the World as It Is Finding Pleasure Being Present

The Thinking Process The Power of Ideas

Discovering Choice Taking the Reins Afterword

Introduction to the 2007 Edition

Its been twelve years since I wrote this book and a lot has happened, both in my life and in the world. For myself, I moved back to the U.S. from Australia in 2000, and am now a single mom with two children. I taught for a while at the University of California, Santa Cruz, where my son went to college. Our nation experienced the turmoil of 9/11 and the subsequent bungling of the Bush administration. I became engaged politically, educating myself about the role of the U.S. in world affairs, and making it the focus of a documentary film. My concerns about fundamentalism have also expanded beyond the personal as I see the great danger it poses to a democracy which relies on a thinking publicnot a population waiting for the rapture, passively supporting violence as a sign of the end times, or trying to impose legalism and theocracy.

Now based in the San Francisco Bay Area, I have also continued my private consulting and educational work, specializing in Relationship Enhancement for couples and consulting with people recovering from religious indoctrination. I offer weekend workshops for people to come together and get group support for the changes they are choosing in their lives. These Release and Reclaim programs are for letting go of old beliefs and building self-chosen lives of meaning and joy here and now. Recovery coaching and ongoing web-based group support is also described at my website, journeyfree.org.

A sequel to Leaving the Fold will encompass new areas, including Religious Trauma Syndrome, or RTS. Meanwhile, Id like to share with you the text from a talk I gave in July, 2006:

Dear Born-again Christian,

I know what youre going through. Really I do; Ive been there. You are facing what all of us faceseveral things that are incredibly uncomfortable about being human.

First of all, were all going to die. This is the big kicker, actually. We cant seem to avoid it, although people use many ingenious methods to fight it. Yet death is there and it throws our lives into relief.

It raises the question of meaning. Is life merely dust to dust, ashes to ashes? If not, then what?

Ill grant you that your belief system gives you hope for eternal life. It begs the question of death. It also hands you a system of meaning. It explains everything; it gives you answers; it helps you sleep at night.

We also share the dilemma of being responsible for our own lives. This is great freedom and also a burden. I can understand giving it over to authorities who seem to know best.

Finally, we all face the fact of being alone. No matter who we know or how much time we spend with others, we are ultimately alone. This is not easy. I can see how an exclusive church family helps and the promised intimacy with Jesus appeals. Ordinary people are not entirely reliable, are they? And many of our families of origin were disappointing if not damaging.

Overall, its natural to want security and certainty. We cannot predict or control the future.

But, dear Christian, what if these comforts cause you separation and limitation? What if in looking to life hereafter, you miss this one? What if clinging to your group of believers, you are disconnected from the rest of the community, and you feel separate from humanity? What if in turning over responsibility for your values and choices, you find yourself on a very narrow path of conformity?

I know you were taught that the narrow road is the one and only correct one. But what if these teachings are only ideas, albeit powerful and held by many? For centuries, another powerful and widely held idea said the earth was flat.

So Id like to present you with a different core idea and an invitation. May I suggest the idea that there is more than one way, despite the exclusive notions of truth you have learned? More than one way to live, more than one way to know God? I invite you to explore. I invite you to have courage, for that is what we have as humans that makes us grand.

Yes, we will die, but for now we are alive. I invite you to notice the day we have today, the world around us, the breath we breathe, and exult in it. I invite you to join us, the rest of the human race, and the rest of life on the planet as well. We ask you to share with us this journey of uncertainty, ambiguity, joys and sorrows, knowing we are flawed, yet capableyes capableof many things; not full of original sin, depraved, weak, dependant, foolish. We are capable of dancing and singing, loving, working, falling down and getting up again, laughing and trudging on, continuing on a life journey that is wide and wonderful, certain only of mystery and surprise.