For Jacob and Sasha, better late than never;
For Nico, right on time;
And for Leo, who still has many years to go.
Text copyright 2016 by Deborah Copaken.
Photographs copyright 2016 by Deborah Copaken and Randy Polumbo.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.
ISBN 978-1-4521-5191-5 (hc)
ISBN 978-1-4521-5419-0 (epub, mobi)
Design by Jennifer Tolo Pierce
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S o. Youre an adult now. Bravo! You might be heading off to college or university. Maybe youre about to embark on your first job, or youre getting ready to blow out more candles on a birthday cake than seem possible to extinguish with a single breath. Or perhaps you are in your mid-thirties, still living at home with your parents, glued to your video game console, and totally confused about how to level up.
Whatever the occasion, chances are youre holding this book in your hand because somebody cared enough about you to understand that while youve mastered your ABCs and can fry an egg with ease, youre still learning how to read subtext and saut a life.
Well, take a seat. This book will save you. Or at the very least, it will save you a heap of confusion and rookie mistakes. I know. I made them. If someone had just given me the Y, D, A, and H in this book at the beginning of my adulthood, it could have saved me an entire M is for Mortgages worth of therapy bills.
I actually meant to write this for my eldest before he left home. I started several months before his departure, but that deadline came and went, because B is also for Busy when you have C is for Children. I made it to F and gave up. I also meant to make him a photo album of his entire childhood, but I had a problem accessing everything taken between 2003 and 2007. (Maybe one of you can come over and help me with that before hes handed his diploma.) I finally reached Z before my daughter left home, so at least now I can hand this to the baby of the family as I shove him out of the nest.
No seriously, I dont shove. I will push. Firmly. And then I will unplug the video game console. Forever.
A is for Anger
Anger is a totally useless emotion. Youll feel it, of course, because youre only human. Next time you do, I would urge you to become extremely present, conscious, and hyperaware of your anger. Dont judge and dont react: just notice it. Practice this enough, and you will learn to simply identify your anger, transcend it, and push it aside. A, after all, is also for another sort of individual (two syllables, ends with hole, you know the type). Next time youre driving and one of them cuts you off while giving you the finger, see what it feels like to simply notice that rage without returning it. You will meet a whole boatload of these types on your voyage through life. That doesnt mean you have to stoop to their level. Ever.
B is for Bed
Make yours every day, no excuses, end of story, amen. If you think making your bed is a waste of time, thats your prerogative. However, in a world where almost nothing is within your control, the fact that every morning you can smooth out the creases and wrangle order into the one tiny element of your environmentto which you will be returning later that nightwill fill you with the kind of peace and gratitude that will serve as the perfect counterpoise to the chaos of daily life.
C is for Children
Wait, what? Children? (Youre saying to yourself right now.) Are you kidding? Im just getting started! Yes, of course you are, but hear me out, becausesorry to be a killjoytime is shorter than you think. Im not saying you should have children if you dont want to have them. In fact, if you dont want to have them, please dont. Most parents would kill to have grandchildren at some point, but thats not your problem; its theirs. If, however, you are even the slightest bit interested in having a child or children one day, then biology, fertility, and logicand the accumulation of sobering data on the risks of advanced maternal and paternal age on the genetics of a developing fetusshould compel you to do so before the age of thirty-five. Yes, both men and women can now freeze their gametes for later, and that can help widen the fertility window. But nothing changes the laws of gravity nor lessens its wear and tear on the aging knee, which will not be pleased when you have to bend it to play on the floor with your offspring.
D is for Disappointment
None of us is immune to disappointment. Friends will disappoint you. Jobs and bosses will disappoint you. Test results and meals and supposedly good films will disappoint you. Lovers and spouses and relatives will disappoint you, if they havent done so already, repeatedly. That promotion will be denied. The house of your dreams will go to a higher bidder. Your novel will sit unpublished in a drawer. The issue is not with the disappointment itselfthats part of life. The issue is how you deal with it. In fact, the secret to surviving disappointment is actually quite simple: Find yourself a refrigerator magnet with the words, This, too, shall pass. Stare at it every time you reach for the carton of milk. Ponder its meaning when you discover the cartons empty. That should do the trick.
E is for Empathy
If you retain only one lesson from this book, let it be this: empathy is not an optional feature or an add-on; it is as integral to your life as the engine is to a car. Empathy is the lifeblood of relationships, the glue between lovers, the intangible force that makes us human. The Oxford English Dictionary defines empathy as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. This is not to be confused with sympathy, which is defined as feelings of pity and sorrow for someone elses misfortune. The difference between the passive state of sympathywhat a shame she has cancerand the more active state of empathywhy dont I sit with you while you have chemo and then drive you home, or would it be more useful if I did your laundry?
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