Terrence Real - The New Rules of Marriage. What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

Acknowledgments

I want to thank Caroline Sutton at Random House for her belief in this project and for her capacity to seize with gusto the essence of things. The same holds true for my agent, Richard Pine: This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I am ever grateful to Heidi Krupp, publicist, pal, and all-around shaper-upper. An enormous debt is owed to The Muse, Marilyn Abraham, who taught me so much every step along the way. I want to acknowledge my wonderful colleagues at the Relational Life Institute, Jan Bergstrom, Lisa Merlo-Booth, John Badalment, and Cara Weed. My assistant, the irreplaceable Lisa Sullivan, worked with me on many aspects of this book. Thanks to Steven Carp, financial wizard and guardian angel. I will always be grateful to Beth Vesel, Gail Winston, and Nan Graham, for trusting in me before there was any particular reason to do so. Heartfelt thanks go out to Cheryl Richardson for her generosity and wisdom over many years; to my fellow traveler, Carol Gilligan, whom I hold so dearly; to Michele Weiner-Davis, friend and ally; and to Jane Fonda for her encouragement and support. The thoughtful reading and comments offered by Henry Friedman and Gail McGovern were a great help in preparing the manuscript. A warm appreciation goes out to Maryanne Thompson for routinely mixing genius with beneficence, and to Michael Van Volkenberg for going beyond the extra mile. Thanks to that manly ideal, Marvin Ettiene. And to Annette Ben Menachim, Rita Sigura, and Sharon Coyne for keeping me sane.

I am forever indebted to those special mentors who pulled me along for no reason beyond their own impressive generosity: First among equals is Olga Silverstein, along with the incomparable David Treadway. To Charlie Verge, Caroline Marvin, Sally Ann Roth, Rick Lee, Richard Chasin, Gerry Schamess, Connie Zweig, John McCormack, Jean Parrish, and the ever-surprising Mel Bucholtz, I owe you all respect and appreciation.

I am grateful for my treasured friends, and most especially for Jack Sternbach, who, more than anyone else, taught me how to work with men. Jackie-boy, wherever you are, I hope they know what theyre in for.

I want to acknowledge the generation of women theorists, researchers, and practitioners who dared to question the conventional model of human development, introducing, instead, a revolutionary new vision of growth-in-relationship. My approach is thoroughly and essentially relational, and a direct beneficiary of their contribution.

As is true of all my work, the ideas and techniques described in this book owe a fundamental debt to the genius of Pia Mellody, a pioneer in the field of both addiction and trauma recovery. My close collaboration with Pia began over a decade ago and continues to this day. So many of her concepts have permeated my own thinking, and vice versa, that it would be tedious and perhaps even impossible to accurately ascribe them all. Suffice it to say that my work on relationality rests on top of her work on the restoration of the self, and that my work, and this book, would not exist without it. Pia Mellodys introduction into my life, as healer, colleague, and friend, has been one of my lifes great gifts.

Finally, and most important, I want to thank my familyJustin, who is so indomitable; Alexander, who is so elegant; and Belinda, the greatest teacher and the greatest friend a man could ever wish forthanks for your encouragement, for your patience and pride. I would take one game of Sado-Monopoly with you guys over just about anything in this world.

Blessings to you all.

ALSO BY TERRENCE REAL

I Dont Want to Talk About It:

OVERCOMING THE SECRET LEGACY OF MALE DEPRESSION

How Can I Get Through To You?:

CLOSING THE INTIMACY GAP BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Resources

The Relationship Empowerment Institute (www.terryreal.com)

This is my website, and it contains all of the information in this section along with many links to other relevant websites. These resources are periodically updated. Also on the website you will find lists of recommended books and tapes by others, my own books and tapes, free monthly telephone gatherings on topics related to relationship empowerment work, free monthly gatherings for mental health professionals, and listings of workshops, conferences, and other trainings that are available.

Books and Tapes

With a little digging, most books concerning particular conditions, such as alcoholism or depression, are best found in the recommended books section of the websites of the major recognized associations concerning the disorder. For example, if you go to the Attention Deficit Disorder Associations website, click on store at the bottom of the page, and then click on Amazon books, four excellent books on ADHD appear.

What follows is a list of books I have found particularly helpful or moving. It is very much a general and a personal list.

Patricia Evans

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

The author does a terrific job of describing verbal abuse and many of the specific maneuvers used by controlling and abusive people.

Carol Gilligan

The Birth of Pleasure

I had the privilege of collaborating with the author in an informal project that she describes here, and that I describe in How Can I Get Through to You? The Birth of Pleasure, is a meditation on love that is poetic in its language and far-reaching in its scope.

Elan Golomb

Trapped in the Mirror

An accessible and helpful book on narcissism.

John Gottman

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert

The author is one of the few empirical researchers on marital satisfaction.

Harville Hendrix

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

This classic has reached millions of readers. The authors ideas about mate selection, based on the works of many psychoanalytic writers of the time, is similar to mine, although his dialogue method differs from my repair process in some respects.

bell hooks

The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

A terrific book on mens psychology from a leading feminist thinker.

Pia Mellody

Facing Codependency: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives

Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love

The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love

In addition to these books, my recommended list of her audiotapes can be found on my website (www.terryreal.com). I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Keith Miller

Compelled to Control

An excellent examination of codependence.

Terrence Real

How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Relational Parenting: Raising Healthy Boys and Girls on CD-ROM. Only available from www.terryreal.com.

Relationship Turnaround: Empowering Women, Connecting Men on CD-ROM and cassette tape. Only available from www.terryreal.com.

Cheryl Richardson

Stand Up for Your Life: A Practical Step-by-Step Plan to Build Inner Con-

fidence and Personal Power

Take Time for Your Life

The Unmistakable Touch of Grace

The author is a personal coach, whose approach differs from therapy in its directive, action-oriented focus. I find her work both practical and inspirational.

Michele Weiner-Davis