Scott Meyer - Fight and Flight

The eight of us have been killed a combined total of sixty-seven times, Jeff said. This strikes me as a problem.

A youngish man in a silver sequined robe raised his hand.

Im not a school teacher, Martin. If you have a question, you can just ask.

Martin glanced around at his friends, wearing their wizard robes and hats, seated in a cluster of chairs in Jeffs home: a small, unassuming blue hut that, thanks to a magical portal hed created and a much larger hut out in the woods, appeared to be bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. Jeff stood at the front of the room, addressing them.

Martin said, Sorry. The whole thing just kinda gave me a Hogwarts vibe.

Thats fine.

Anyway, I dont have a question so much as a statement. None of us is dead.

Yes, well, when I say we were killed sixty-seven times, what I mean is that we were nearly killed sixty-seven times, and were only saved by the use of magic or dumb luck.

Then why not say that?

I wanted an opening line that was a real grabber. Something to get your attention before I show you the chart.

Gary raised his hand. The loose sleeve of his black robe slid down to reveal a thin bare arm, as the Dokken T-shirt he wore beneath it had short sleeves. The pale skin of his arm almost matched the bleached white bone that made up his skeletal artificial leg. I have two questions. One is: Arent we all here for movie night? The other is: What chart?

Jeff sighed. Yes. We are here for movie night. After we discuss the boring business of all of us nearly dying a whole bunch of times, well move on to the vital task of watching an old movie.

A black man in a purple robe asked, What are we watching?

Jeff said, Thanks for not raising your hand, Tyler. Were watching Mad Max: Fury Road .

Gary said, Mad Max! Good! Mel Gibsons the coolest!

Martin said, Yeah, youre from 1992, arent you?

Yes. So?

So, enjoy enjoying Mel Gibson while you can.

Jeff said, As for your second question: What chart? The chart I havent shown you yet because I only just got my first sentence out before I got sidetracked.

Jeff waved his magic wand and said, Montri la diagram. An easel holding a large chart appeared next to him. The left side of the chart had a list of the names of the wizards present. Along the top Jeff had listed every event in which one or more of the wizards had nearly been killed, using shorthand titles like Orcs, Giant Squid, and Mud Elemental. A grid full of check marks illustrated which wizards had nearly been killed by each danger. The wizards were silent for a moment while they read and absorbed the information.

Jeff said, I only included peril that weve faced after finding the file, discovering that the world is a computer program, and coming back here to Medieval England to pose as wizards. Whatever trouble some of you might have gotten into to make you decide to come here is your own business.

Brit the Younger adjusted her glasses, peering across the room at the chart. Huh. Thats funny. I would have assumed that Martin had nearly been killed the most, but Phillip just edges him out.

Yes, Phillip said, stroking his beard. But Id have you know that all of the attempts on my life have happened since I met Martin.

Martin said, Jeff, I have to object. You say that Phillip nearly killed me in our first duel. Thats just not true.

Gwen shook her head, then brushed her light brown bangs out of her eyes and said, No, Martin, but the villagers thought he killed you, and lets face it, he could have if hed wanted to.

Easily, Phillip said.

Tyler said, I see what youre getting at, Jeff. Thats not a great safety record. But, I mean, we are time-traveling wizards. Shouldnt we expect a certain amount of danger?

Yes, Thats my point. We should expect danger, but we dont. Thats why we keep getting caught with our pants down.

We wear robes, Gary said.

Yes, Gary. Now shut up. My point is that we need to be more prepared. We need to develop real means of defending ourselves and make sure that we have practice using them.

Gary said, Well, yeah, obviously. Thats why I created the Kato Protocol.

Yes, Jeff said, But Im afraid that while having wizards just randomly attack each other without warning has been good for a few laughs, it hasnt really added to our tactical readiness.

Tactical readiness . Youve been hanging around with Roy too much.

No, the rest of you havent been hanging around with me enough. Roy was an older man from an earlier time, with a crew cut so precise and severe it had become a way of life.

Gary asked, You wanna hang out with me sometime?

Roy said, I do not.

Gary shook his head and waved his hands. Whatever. Look, the point is, the Kato Protocol is in place so that well be ready for attacks and develop offensive weapons, and I think its succeeded.

Roy said, Thats because youve mistaken jumpiness for vigilance, and youre using the wrong meaning of the word offensive. We want offensive as in the opposite of defensive. Not offensive as in it offends people. Like your inventions: the fart bomb, the helium-voice spell, and the commando ray.

Martin said, Ive been meaning to ask you: How did you make a ray that caused peoples underwear to disappear?

Gary smiled. It was a happy accident. I was working on a wedgie ray and it malfunctioned.

Brit said, Look, Jeff, youre right to be concerned. But if youre this worried about it, why not do what we women did with Atlantis? Create a new place for yourselves somewhere far away that will be safe, instead of living among all these primitive villagers.

Jeff said, Two reasons. One: if you look at the chart, youll see that the vast majority of the things that have threatened our lives have come from other magic users, not the locals. Two: if you look closely at your own row on the chart, youll see that more than half the times youve nearly been killed took place in Atlantis.

Roy nodded. Its impossible to create a safe place for people to go, because it becomes unsafe when people go there.

Jeff said, I dont understand why you arent taking this more seriously. Weve all nearly been killed multiple times. Gary lost a leg. I had my powers stripped away, then got dropped off of a cliff! You almost werent able to hop back in time and save me. This is serious. Our lives are at stake.

Yeah, Martin said, But while you point out that weve nearly died sixty-seven times, Id remind you that we figured out a way to save ourselves sixty-seven times. We always think of something.

Phillip said, Yes, but Jeff has a point. It would be smart of us to try to think of something in advance, instead of waiting for things to go wrong. What do you have in mind, Jeff?

I propose that we each develop a weaponized macro, a spell that will be a useful weapon. Something that has real teeth. Then, when theyre done, well share them with each other.

And who do we test them on? Tyler asked. The locals? Each other?

Well test them and practice using them in regularly scheduled organized skirmishes against some sort of artificial opposing army that well create. That way we wont have to pull our punches.

Gary said, That actually sounds like fun.

Phillip said, All right. Lets put it to a vote. All in favor of enacting Jeffs plan, raise your hand.

Everybody raised a hand.

And everybody in favor of having Jeff create the opposition army, raise your hand.

Everybody raised their hands but Jeff.