Leon Black (JB Smoove) - The Book of Leon: Philosophy of a Fool

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DEDICATED TO

Mr. Why Dont You Put All Your Bullshit in a Book!

All Those Out There Doing Their Dizzle!

Those Who Said I Should... I Did, Muthafucka. Now What?!?

The Ruckus, whether you seek it or bring it!

All the Shit Talkers and Ass Tappers Everywhere!

(Matter of fact I think I like that last one the best!)

T hou hast madest thein divine judgement andeth procured my anthology of advisement of life loveth and death...

Change this goddamn fontgive these people something easier to read, like Times New Roman, or better yet, Arial... And fuck thatI cant write a whole book like this! Damn, how did people communicate like that!?! I mean how would you order a slice of pizza? Or ask for your fourth refill of your Big Gulp? Dont get me wrong; contrary to popular, Im worldly. Shit, I watch Game of Thrones . Like if I was applying for a job at Medieval Times I would pull this Shakespearean shit out my ass just to impress the interviewer. Have you ever been there? Medieval Times? Thats that place where fine ass fair maidens serve you food while knights ride around on horses, which may sound nice but those damn horses shit while youre eating. I mean, the horses dont know any better, but theyre fucking horses. What do you expect? By the way no disrespect to any of you people who work there; thats thou choice. Do you.

Now since I was brought up correctly, let me start by introducing myself. My name is Leon Black. Some of you may know me as the President of Hitting That Ass, while others may have heard of me because of my black belt in fucking! While I take pride in both of those achievements, Im here to tell you there is way more to Leon Black than just my prowess in the bedroom (and living room, dining room, Laundromat, public library, ER... yeah I said ERyoud be surprised). First and foremost, I am a Ruckus Bringer! I capitalized that shit because its not just something I do on the side, it is my damn profession! You see, I am a natural-born shit talker! Im a man who knows how to look life straight in the eye and figure it out! Im a man who can take the worst that life has to offer and topsy-turvy that shit until Im on top of life, choking that bitch out! The other day a friend of mine, one of those annoying types, always whining and shityou know what I mean. I dont want to name names, but just to put a theoretical face to him, lets just say hes a white man with glasses and bald as fuck. Anyway, this annoying ass friend of mine was like, Leon, youre so full of it, why dont you take all your bullshit and put it in a book! And I was like, Fuck you, Larry! So I took that naysayers words as a challenge (yes, I said naysayerI told you Im worldly) and wrote this damn book!

Now, from what Ive been told, all books start with a forward, and since Im not sure what the fuck a forward is, fuck a forward!

Now, this is a long ass book. I know: I wrote it. In it, I have done my best to share with you my guide to getting over on life. Not to mention the fact that a book has many other uses. Unless youre reading this on one of those damn electronic devices, you are holding an object that would make a good doorstop, an excellent coaster, and (if you bought the hardcover) an unexpected weapon. Think Im joking? You know how many people are killed each year by dictionaries? Thats where the expression Words can kill comes from. Why do you think they stopped those encyclopedia salesmen from going door-to-door with those damn books? Because when people wouldnt buy them they would kill you with those damn leather-bound sets of books. Look it up. So look here, what Im trying to tell you is that you cant put a price on the type of knowledge Im about to drop on you. (Although Simon & Schuster did, and you paid it. I cashed the checkno refunds.)

So the way I see it, you have a few choices: First, you can either put this book down now, hide it away in a closetor, if youre white, in a keepsake chest or a credenza and come back to it at another point in your life when youre ready for it. Second, you can wrap it up or, better yet, get one of those gift bags from the Dollar Store, drop the book in, and gift it (or re-gift it if it was given to you as a gift) to someone who is ready for what Im about to lay down. Third, if youre reading this on a train, bus, or some other form of filthy public transportation, you can hand this book to the nosy ass person next to you who has been free-reading this shit over your shoulder since you opened it. Or last, you can search your soul and realize that you need this book, and you need me to straighten your crooked ass life out. If you choose this option, dont take it lightly. Im not bullshitting you. Im trying to help your ass, so before you have the audacity to turn down my valuable assistance, take a minute! Now, Im sure youll notice that theres nothing but a picture of me on the next page, but its more than just a picture of me. That picture is a picture of me looking at you looking at me as you look at yourself. I want you to look into my eyes (please resist the urge to kiss me), and as you do, search your soul. When youre done and youre sure youre ready, take your damn dirty ass thumb, lick it, and turn the first page of the rest of your life.

W hoever you are and whatever your reasons, clearly you made the right damn decision to sit your ass down and read the most important book of your life! So, since youre here, lets begin.

Youre about to read a whole lot of shit in this book, and trust me, this knowledge isnt for all of you, but I know for a fact that some of you will get what Im talking about. Who are those people? you ask. If you have to ask, then it aint you, because those people know who the fuck they are!!!

Now, people have different ideas on where and how to start a story. Some people like to start in the middle by saying some shit that sounds weird because you dont know what the fuck came before it. The problem with that is that if you dont know where the fuck youve been, youre gonna have a hard time figuring out where the hell youre going. Other, more creative people like to start shit toward the end, then jump to the beginning and then wrap back around to the end again. You know what Im talking about? Its what they do in every movie about a singer. Movies about people like Ray Charles, James Brown, andjust so you dont think I only watch movies about black peopleJohnny Cash. All of those movies always start with a dude looking tired and old as fuck. Like were catching him a day and a half before he dies. Hes always sitting somewhere reflecting on his life as he stares at something like a clock or a glass of water or some shit. All of a sudden everything goes black for a second, and then across the screen we see the name of some tiny ass town like Broken Foot, Alabama, or Chipped Tooth, Tennessee, and a date from years ago. At this point, we know we are in a flashback, so we are treated to bits of that mans tragic ass life, complete with all his fuck-ups. And then, like a flash, we see him old again. Thats what we see, but the part that we dont get to see is that old ass man sitting there staring at a glass of water for two hours while people tap the fuck out of him to get him to snap out of it. Thats a movie I would like to see: the day James Browns concerned friends tapped the shit out of his shoulder for two damn hours. James... James... James!