Jenny Han - P.S. I Still Love You

For Logan. Ive only just met you and already I love you.

She was glad that the cosy house, and Pa and Ma and the fire-light and the music, were now. They could not be forgotten, she thought, because now is now. It can never be a long time ago.

L AURA I NGALLS W ILDER , Little House in the Big Woods

Time is the longest distance between two places.

T ENNESSEE W ILLIAMS , The Glass Menagerie

Dear Peter,

I miss you. Its only been five days but I miss you like its been five years. Maybe because I dont know if this is just it, if you and I will ever talk again. I mean Im sure well say hi in chem class, or in the hallways, but will it ever be like it was? Thats what makes me sad. I felt like I could say anything to you. I think you felt the same way. I hope you did.

So Im just going to say anything to you right now, while Im still feeling brave. What happened between us in the hot tub scared me. I know it was just a day in the life of Peter for you, but for me it meant a lot more, and thats what scared me. Not just what people were saying about it, and me, but that it happened at all. How easy it was, how much I liked it. I got scared and I took it out on you and for that Im truly sorry.

And at the recital party, Im sorry I didnt defend you to Josh. I should have. I know I owed you that much. I owed you that much and more. I still cant believe you came, and that you brought those fruitcake cookies. You looked cute in your sweater, by the way. Im not saying that to butter you up. I mean it.

Sometimes I like you so much I cant stand it. It fills up inside me, all the way to the brim, and I feel like I could overflow. I like you so much I dont know what to do with it. My heart beats so fast when I know Im going to see you again. And then, when you look at me the way you do, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Those things Josh said about you, they werent true. You havent brought me down. Just the opposite. Youve brought me out. You gave me my first love story, Peter. Please just dont let it be over yet.

Love,

Lara Jean

KITTYS BEEN A LITTLE COMPLAINER all morning, and I suspect both Margot and Daddy are suffering from New Years Eve hangovers. And me? Ive got hearts in my eyes and a letter thats burning a hole in my coat pocket.

As were putting on our shoes, Kittys still trying to weasel her way out of wearing a hanbok to Aunt Carrie and Uncle Victors. Look at the sleeves! Theyre three-quarter length on me!

Unconvincingly Daddy says, Theyre supposed to be that way.

Kitty points to me and Margot. Then why do theirs fit? she demands. Our grandma bought the hanboks for us the last time she was in Korea. Margots hanbok has a yellow jacket and apple-green skirt. Mine is hot pink with an ivory-white jacket and a long hot-pink bow with flowers embroidered down the front. The skirt is voluminous, full like a bell, and it falls all the way to the floor. Unlike Kittys, which hits right at her ankles.

Its not our fault you grow like a weed, I say, fussing with my bow. The bow is the hardest thing to get right. I had to watch a YouTube video multiple times to figure it out, and it still looks lopsided and sad.

My skirts too short too, she grumps, lifting the bottom.

The real truth is, Kitty hates wearing a hanbok because you have to walk delicately in it and hold the skirt closed with one hand or the whole thing comes open.

All of the other cousins will be wearing them, and it will make Grandma happy, Daddy says, rubbing his temples. Case closed.

In the car Kitty keeps saying I hate New Years Day, and it puts everyone but me in a sour mood. Margot is already in a semi-sour mood because she had to wake up at the crack of dawn to get home from her friends cabin in time. Theres also the matter of that maybe hangover. Nothing could sour my mood, though, because Im not even in this car. Im somewhere else entirely, thinking about my letter to Peter, wondering if it was heartfelt enough, and how and when Im going to give it to him, and what hell say, and what it will mean. Should I drop it in his mailbox? Leave it in his locker? When I see him again, will he smile at me, make a joke of it to lighten the mood? Or will he pretend he never saw it, to spare us both? I think that would be worse. I have to keep reminding myself that, despite everything, Peter is kind and he is easygoing and he wont be cruel no matter what. Of that much I can be sure.

What are you thinking so hard about? Kitty asks me.

I barely hear her.

Hello?

I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, and all I see is Peters face. I dont know what I want from him exactly, what Im ready forif its boyfriend-girlfriend heavy-duty serious love, or if its what we had before, just fun and some here-and-there kisses, or if its something in between, but I do know I cant get his Handsome Boy face out of my mind. The way he smirks when he says my name, how when hes near me I forget to breathe sometimes.

Of course, when we get to Aunt Carrie and Uncle Victors, none of the other cousins are wearing hanboks, and Kitty practically turns purple with the effort of not yelling at Daddy. Margot and I give him some side-eye too. Its not particularly comfortable to sit around in a hanbok all day. But then Grandma gives me an approving smile, which makes up for it.

As we take off our shoes and coats at the front door, I whisper to Kitty, Maybe the adults will give us more money for dressing up.

You girls look so cute, Aunt Carrie said as she hugs us. Haven refused to wear hers!

Haven rolls her eyes at her mom. I love your haircut, she says to Margot. Haven and I are only a few months apart, but she thinks shes so much older than me. Shes always trying to get in with Margot.

We get the bowing out of the way first. In Korean culture, you bow to your elders on New Years Day and wish them luck in the new year, and in return they give you money. The order goes oldest to youngest, so as the oldest adult, Grandma sits down on the couch first, and Aunt Carrie and Uncle Victor bow first, then Daddy, all the way down the line to Kitty, who is youngest. When its Daddys turn to sit on the couch and receive his bows, theres an empty couch cushion next to him as there has been every New Years Day since Mommy died. It gives me an achy feeling in my chest to see him sitting there alone, smiling gamely, handing out ten-dollar bills. Grandma catches my eye pointedly and I know shes thinking the same thing. When its my turn to bow, I kneel, hands folded in front of my forehead, and I vow that I will not see Daddy alone on that couch again next year.

We get ten dollars from Aunt Carrie and Uncle Victor, ten from Daddy, ten from Aunt Min and Uncle Sam, who arent our real aunt and uncle but second cousins (or is it cousins once removed? Theyre Mommys cousins, anyway), and twenty from Grandma! We didnt get more for wearing hanboks, but all in all a good take. Last year the aunts and uncles were only doing five apiece.

Next we do rice cake soup for good luck. Aunt Carrie also made black-eyed pea cakes and insists we try at least one, though no one wants to. The twins, Harry and Leonour third cousins? Cousins twice removed?refuse to eat the soup or the black-eyed pea cakes and are eating chicken nuggets in the TV room. There isnt enough room at the dining table, so Kitty and I eat on stools at the kitchen island. We can hear everyone laughing from over here.

As I begin to eat my soup, I make a wish. Please, please let things work out with me and Peter.

Why do I get a smaller bowl of soup than everyone else? Kitty whispers to me.