Jenny Han - To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before

For my sister, SusanHan girls forever

I like to save things. Not important things like whales or people or the environment. Silly things. Porcelain bells, the kind you get at souvenir shops. Cookie cutters youll never use, because who needs a cookie in the shape of a foot? Ribbons for my hair. Love letters. Of all the things I save, I guess you could say my love letters are my most prized possession.

I keep my letters in a teal hatbox my mom bought me from a vintage store downtown. They arent love letters that someone else wrote for me; I dont have any of those. These are ones Ive written. Theres one for every boy Ive ever lovedfive in all.

When I write, I hold nothing back. I write like hell never read it. Because he never will. Every secret thought, every careful observation, everything Ive saved up inside me, I put it all in the letter. When Im done, I seal it, I address it, and then I put it in my teal hatbox.

Theyre not love letters in the strictest sense of the word. My letters are for when I dont want to be in love anymore. Theyre for good-bye. Because after I write my letter, Im no longer consumed by my all-consuming love. I can eat my cereal and not wonder if he likes bananas over his Cheerios too; I can sing along to love songs and not be singing them to him. If love is like a possession, maybe my letters are like my exorcisms. My letters set me free. Or at least theyre supposed to.

JOSH IS MARGOTS BOYFRIEND, BUT I guess you could say my whole family is a little in love with him. Its hard to say who most of all. Before he was Margots boyfriend, he was just Josh. He was always there. I say always, but I guess thats not true. He moved next door five years ago but it feels like always.

My dad loves Josh because hes a boy and my dad is surrounded by girls. I mean it: all day long he is surrounded by females. My dad is an ob-gyn, and he also happens to be the father of three daughters, so its like girls, girls, girls all day. He also likes Josh because Josh likes comics and hell go fishing with him. My dad tried to take us fishing once, and I cried when my shoes got mud on them, and Margot cried when her book got wet, and Kitty cried because Kitty was still practically a baby.

Kitty loves Josh because hell play cards with her and not get bored. Or at least pretend to not get bored. They make deals with each otherif I win this next hand, you have to make me a toasted crunchy-peanut-butter-sandwich, no crusts. Thats Kitty. Inevitably there wont be crunchy peanut butter and Josh will say too bad, pick something else. But then Kitty will wear him down and hell run out and buy some, because thats Josh.

If I had to say why Margot loves him, I think maybe I would say its because we all do.

We are in the living room, Kitty is pasting pictures of dogs to a giant piece of cardboard. Theres paper and scraps all around her. Humming to herself, she says, When Daddy asks me what I want for Christmas, I am just going to say, Pick any one of these breeds and well be good.

Margot and Josh are on the couch; Im lying on the floor, watching TV. Josh popped a big bowl of popcorn, and I devote myself to it, handfuls and handfuls of it.

A commercial comes on for perfume: a girl is running around the streets of Paris in an orchid-colored halter dress that is thin as tissue paper. What I wouldnt give to be that girl in that tissue-paper dress running around Paris in springtime! I sit up so suddenly I choke on a kernel of popcorn. Between coughs I say, Margot, lets meet in Paris for my spring break! Im already picturing myself twirling with a pistachio macaron in one hand and a raspberry one in the other.

Margots eyes light up. Do you think Daddy will let you?

Sure, its culture. Hell have to let me. But its true that Ive never flown by myself before. And also Ive never even left the country before. Would Margot meet me at the airport, or would I have to find my own way to the hostel?

Josh must see the sudden worry on my face because he says, Dont worry. Your dad will definitely let you go if Im with you.

I brighten. Yeah! We can stay at hostels and just eat pastries and cheese for all our meals.

We can go to Jim Morrisons grave! Josh throws in.

We can go to a parfumerie and get our personal scents done! I cheer, and Josh snorts.

Um, Im pretty sure getting our scents done at a parfumerie would cost the same as a weeks stay at the hostel, he says. He nudges Margot. Your sister suffers from delusions of grandeur.

She is the fanciest of the three of us, Margot agrees.

What about me? Kitty whimpers.

You? I scoff. Youre the least fancy Song girl. I have to beg you to wash your feet at night, much less take a shower.

Kittys face gets pinched and red. I wasnt talking about that, you dodo bird. I was talking about Paris.

Airily, I wave her off. Youre too little to stay at a hostel.

She crawls over to Margot and climbs in her lap, even though shes nine and nine is too big to sit in peoples laps. Margot, youll let me go, wont you?

Maybe it could be a family vacation, Margot says, kissing her cheek. You and Lara Jean and Daddy could all come.

I frown. Thats not at all the Paris trip I was imagining. Over Kittys head Josh mouths to me, Well talk later , and I give him a discreet thumbs-up.

* * *

Its later that night; Josh is long gone. Kitty and our dad are asleep. We are in the kitchen. Margot is at the table on her computer; I am sitting next to her, rolling cookie dough into balls and dropping them in cinnamon and sugar. Snickerdoodles to get back in Kittys good graces. Earlier, when I went in to say good night, Kitty rolled over and wouldnt speak to me because shes still convinced Im going to try to cut her out of the Paris trip. My plan is to put the snickerdoodles on a plate right next to her pillow so she wakes up to the smell of fresh-baked cookies.

Margots being extra quiet, and then, out of nowhere, she looks up from her computer and says, I broke up with Josh tonight. After dinner.

My cookie-dough ball falls out of my fingers and into the sugar bowl.

I mean, it was time, she says. Her eyes arent red-rimmed; she hasnt been crying, I dont think. Her voice is calm and even. Anyone looking at her would think she was fine. Because Margot is always fine, even when shes not.

I dont see why you had to break up, I say. Just cause youre going to college doesnt mean you have to break up.

Lara Jean, Im going to Scotland, not UVA. Saint Andrews is nearly four thousand miles away. She pushes up her glasses. What would be the point?

I cant even believe she would say that. The point is, its Josh. Josh who loves you more than any boy has ever loved a girl!

Margot rolls her eyes at this. She thinks Im being dramatic, but Im not. Its truethats how much Josh loves Margot. He would never so much as look at another girl.

Suddenly she says, Do you know what Mommy told me once?

What? For a moment I forget all about Josh. Because no matter what I am doing in life, if Margot and I are in the middle of an argument, if I am about to get hit by a car, I will always stop and listen to a story about Mommy. Any detail, any remembrance that Margot has, I want to have it too. Im better off than Kitty, though. Kitty doesnt have one memory of Mommy that we havent given her. Weve told her so many stories so many times that theyre hers now. Remember that time... , shell say. And then shell tell the story like she was there and not just a little baby.

She told me to try not to go to college with a boyfriend. She said she didnt want me to be the girl crying on the phone with her boyfriend and saying no to things instead of yes.

Scotland is Margots yes, I guess. Absently, I scoop up a mound of cookie dough and pop it in my mouth.

You shouldnt eat raw cookie dough, Margot says.