Gibson Ellie - Scummy mummies: a celebration of parenting failures, hilarious confessions, fish fingers and wine

FOR MATILDA, HUGO, CHARLIE AND JOE, WHO ARE THE SOURCE OF SUCH LOVE AND JOY AND SO MUCH MATERIAL.

Publishing director: Sarah Lavelle

Creative director: Helen Lewis

Commissioning editor: Cline Hughes

Designer: Emily Lapworth

Production: Steve McCabe, Vincent Smith

First published in 2017 by Quadrille Publishing

Pentagon House,

5254 Southwark Street,

London SE1 1UN

Quadrille Publishing is an imprint of Hardie Grant

www.hardiegrant.com.au

www.quadrille.co.uk

Text Ellie Gibson and Helen Thorn 2017

Design and layout 2017 Quadrille Publishing

Front cover photograph 2017 Giada Garofalo

Inside back cover photograph 2017 Joseph Fox

Front cover hand lettering 2017 Katie Horwich

2017 Ray Gibson

The rights of the author have been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrostatic, magnetic tape, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher.

Cataloguing in Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

eISBN: 978 178713 028 9

CONTENTS

Dear fellow Scummy Mummy,

We know your secrets. We know you gave the kids fish fingers four times in a row last week. We know you drink wine out of a mug at teatime. We know that once your son did a sick in Sainsburys, and you ran away.

We know you forgot your daughters name when another mum asked, even though shes an only child. We know you used one of your sons toys to fish a poo out of the bath, giving a whole new meaning to the term dump truck.

We know you sneaked wine into a classical music concert by hiding it in your childs beaker. Or as you prefer to call it, the Tommee Tipsee.

We know about that rainy Thursday when you let your kids watch Madagascar twice in a row while you sat in the kitchen and did Google image searches for Benedict Cumberbatch.

We know you picked up that raisin you found on the stairs and popped it in your mouth. Only to discover it wasnt a raisin.

We know that one Sunday afternoon, you let the kids cut each others hair while you finished the wine.

We know you pretend not to notice when your child eats chicken nuggets the cat has just licked.

We know that right now, theres a dirty nappy in your handbag.

We know about all these things because you shared them with us. Some of you told us after listening to our podcast. Some of you confessed at our comedy show. Some of them are things weve done ourselves. Because no matter how hard we try, at some point, all parents end up doing something scummy.

Still wondering what a Scummy Mummy is? Basically, its the opposite of a Yummy Mummy.

The fact is, not one of us is perfect not even Kirstie Allsopp. As Scummy Mummies, if theres one phrase that comes to mind when we think about our parenting style, its this: Let it go. And not because weve been forced to sit through that bloody DVD so many times that one of us once shouted OLAF! at the point of climax.

Of course, its important to make sure your kids are loved, fed and relatively clean. But there are some things we dont think its worth worrying about. For instance:

A Clean House for Play Dates

Oh no! The girls are coming over for coffee Id better get up at 5AM to bleach the toilet and hand-make some spelt truffles! Fuck this shit.

Anyone who gives a toss if theres Lego all over the floor can go in the bin. The good people wont care, and the best people will say, Oh, this makes me feel better about my own shithole. These are the keepers.

Ironing

Unless there is an actual emergency like a job interview, or your mother-in-law is coming over from Australia put the ironing board down, people. The kids wont care if their jeans are a bit crumpled. If you have a baby, all your clothes will be covered in snot and porridge by 9AM anyway.

Perfect Homemade Cakes

Look, we feel your pain. One of us was recently up until 2AM creating a fondant unicorn oasis that Paul Hollywood would have described as a bit elaborate. Twelve hours later, we watched a group of six-year-olds rip it to shreds in under a minute.

All kids care about is the quantity of Smarties and the volume of icing. In fact, why not just stick a few candles in a bag of sugar?

Creative Meals

Theres no need to spend hours creating Picassos out of peas and potatoes. If your kids will only eat a few things, give yourself a break. Humans can survive on pasta and sweetcorn. And dont compare yourself to the woman at the Giraffe caf in Blackheath whose children were asking for the bulgur wheat salad. She wasnt real it was just an apparition, because you were so tired.

Being Everyones BEST FRIEND

When your kid starts nursery or school, the number of new potential friends and social gatherings can be overwhelming. Its good to be polite and friendly, but you dont have to be everyones best mate.

Remember, your time is precious. What would you rather do, have a pint with that old drinking buddy you havent seen since your twenties, or sit in a Caff Nero with someone you barely know talking about house prices?

Feeling Like You and Your Kids Are Not Normal

This is one of the great anxieties of parenting. Is what your kids are into normal? What about the food they eat? Or the fact they like singing Kanye West songs at the top of their voices on the number 75 bus?

Worrying about these things can leave you feeling isolated and crappy. But heres the thing: there IS no normal. Just like people, all families are different, and theyre all a bit weird in their own way.

And because of this, there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all parenting style. The trick is to find out what works for you and your kids, and try not to worry too much about what everyone else thinks. The c***s never bothered you anyway.

Just ask yourself: is your child happy? Does he know he is loved? Does she have clean knickers on at least 300 days of the year? Then you are doing a good job.