Johnson - We: understanding the psychology of romantic love

Women will find, in the story of Tristan and Iseult, a vivid symbolic picture of the huge forces at work in all of us, both men and women, when we are caught up in the experience of romantic love.

The myth not only records the dynamics of romantic love in the male psyche, it also reflects the fate of the feminine in our culture; it shows how the feminine values of feeling, relatedness, and soul consciousness have been virtually driven out of our culture by our patriarchal mentality. One of the most important insights in the myth for women is the degree to which most men unconsciously search for their lost feminine side, for the feminine values in life, and attempt to find their unlived feminine side through woman.

But it is not only men who have accepted the patriarchal version of reality. Women also have been taught to idealize masculine values at the expense of the feminine side of life. Many women have spent their lives in a constant feeling of inferiority because they felt that to be feminine was second best. Women have been trained that only masculine activities, thinking, power, and achieving have any real value. Thus Western woman finds herself in the same psychological dilemma as Western man: developing a one-sided, competitive mastery of the masculine qualities at the expense of her feminine side.

Although this mythical evocation of romantic love is told from a mans standpoint and seen through a mans eyes, women will find much of their own experience in it. But a woman should bear in mind that the myth does not always necessarily reflect a womans psychology or a womans special way of experiencing romantic love. There are womens myths, such as Eros and Psyche (for which see my book She ), that present a more exact picture of womans inner structure.

The psychological makeups of men and women are distinct. If we tried fully to explain a womans psychology through a mans myth, it would inevitably give a distorted view of her structure. This is especially true in romantic love, for a womans feeling side develops differently than a mans, and her experience of relationship has subtle nuances that men do not experience in the same way.

Most women spend a tremendous part of their energy in efforts to make a loving relationship with a man and to deal with his seemingly incomprehensible feelings, ideas, and reactions. By making her own journey with Tristan and Iseult, she will understand better the Tristan in her life, and how to draw out the best in him. But also, and of equal importance, she will have a clearer view of her own unknown self.