Blumenfeld Amir - The CollegeHumor Guide to College

THE C OLLEGE H UMOR GUIDE TO COLLEGE

THE C OLLEGE H UMOR GUIDE TO COLLEGE

SELLING KIDNEYS FOR BEER MONEY,

SLEEPING WITH YOUR PROFESSORS,

MAJORING IN COMMUNICATIONS,

AND OTHER REALLY GOOD IDEAS

By the Writers of CollegeHumor .com

Amir Blumenfeld Jeff Rubin Sarah Schneider
Streeter Seidell Ethan Trex Ricky Van Veen

With Contributions from Jakob Lodwick, Jay Pinkerton, and John Roy
Illustrations by Bill Brown and Patrick Moberg

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Published by New American Library, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Previously published in a Dutton edition.

First New American Library Printing, March 2007

Copyright CollegeHumor Press, LLC, 2006

ISBN: 978-1-101-21089-5

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Dedicated To Our Parents:
Please Stop Reading Here

Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, Follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all that a college kid is. And Student thanked God, and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.

Thou Shalt Nap

And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room, and in your friends room. And God said, If you dont nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.

Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time

Now God said to Student, You must be sick all of the time. And Student said, Why? And God said unto him, You shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much, and make out with people you dont know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, Blessed are the sick, for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.

Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages

Student asked, But God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, Thou shall write witty away messages. God said to Student, You shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild... in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping... in class. God said, If you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.

Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie

And then Student asked God, How do I look like a college kid? And God said unto Student, You must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it, either. Student asked God, What kind of hoodie should it be? And God said, You shall own one with your schools logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased, and it was good.

Thou Shalt Shit a Lot

And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil, for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God, and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain, and it was good.

Thou Shalt Eat Easy Mac

Student asked unto God if there were any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, You shall eat a lot of Easy Mac. It is easy to make and you dont need milk or a stove. And Student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, You shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, What if it is discovered? And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.

Thou Shalt Hook Up

Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful, and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not, and it was good.