Sorrentino - Heres the situation: a guide to creeping on chicks, avoiding grenades, and getting in your GTL on the Jersey Shore

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Table of Contents

How small a fraction of all the measureless infinity of time is allotted to each one of us; an instant, and it vanishes into eternity. How puny, too, is your portion of all the worlds substance; how insignificant your share of all the worlds soul; on how minute a speck of the whole earth do you creep. As you ponder these things, make up your mind that nothing is of any import save to do what your own nature directs, and to bear what the worlds Nature sends you.

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Quoted from the Penguin Great Ideas Edition (2005), translated by Maxwell Staniforth

INTRODUCTION

Friends, bros, countrymen, lend me your ears. For The Situation has come to give you the situation.

In my twenty-eight years of crushing it, I have come to one simple realization: Life is a battle. Its you against the beat, fist against the air, skin against the sun, hair against gravity, bicep against dumbbell, wingman against grenade, and Escalade against summer Friday traffic to the Jersey Shore. Some will leave the field victorious with a hot chick on their arm, while others... well, do I really need to embarrass them further by writing about them here?

In this guidebook youll find everything you need to win the battle of life. From creeping to blowouts to fist-pumps to GTL, The Sitch will give you the tools to succeed. You must only follow me to glory.

As Per the Use of the Word Guido

Ever since Jersey Shore blew up huge, politicians, pundits, and all kinds of other tool bags have been up in arms over the use of the word guido. For the record, its not a word I use with any frequency. But it really doesnt bother me unless its intended in a derogatory way, as an insult against Italians and their heritage. People who get their Calvins all twisted into a bunch over that word need to realize that when its used by me in a group of friends, its as a joking sign of affection and camaraderie that goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten when we all thought the tooth fairy was alive. Its about celebrating a unique lifestyle. A lifestyle that embraces a certain look, an attitude, and the philosophy of GTL and crushing it 24/7.

When people get all pissed off about the word guido or our adventures that get aired on Jersey Shore, I have a simple suggestion for them: Dont watch the show. Nobody is forcing you to turn on MTV on Thursday nights at 10:00 p.m. (check local listings). Just like no one is forcing you to hit the gym and the tanning salon. Or forcing you to read this book. Or, for that matter, forcing you to have this book read to you by a naked chick like Im doing right now.

The Sorrentino family has a rich Italian heritage. We keep a book at home that chronicles our story and Im very proud of that history. The last thing Id ever want to do is alienate any of my fellow Italian-Americans over a misunderstanding or simple semantics. So chill out, Freckles McGee.

And now lets start crushing it.

PART I:

As Per Pregaming: GTL and Beyond

one

GYM

By now the entire nation knows of my holy trinity of gym, tanning, and laundry, aka GTL. Lets take this thing from the top, with G.

As a certified personal trainer, a former professional underpants model, and a guy who looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off, I know a thing or two about physical fitness. Now, I may be blessed with superior genetics (see next page), but I still hit the gym hard for ninety minutes, five or six days per week. If you want to develop a situation of your own, you cant be half-assed about your workouts. And if youre not locking down the G, you dont deserve to move on to the T and the L. Because it dont make no sense to tan a flabby midsection. Or to obtain crisp laundry to pull over withered biceps. It all begins in the gym. And that applies to everyone, not just world-famous individuals like The Situation. If you skip the gym, youre not going to perform at the peak of your abilities, whether it be at a job in an insurance office or starring on cable TVs highest-rated show in its most coveted demographic.

My fitness situation comes down to three things: Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. Like how God is simultaneously the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, the Situation is Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. These are indivisible and eternal.

GENETIC SITUATION

Ive been blessed from the very beginning with genes that make me a winner.

Lifting

Big is out and lean is in. Its important to have a well-balanced physique, but chicks dig two things: biceps and abs. Moreover, these muscles will come in handy on a day-to-day basis. When you go to the dry cleaner to pick up your fresh shirts, what muscle are you going to use to pick them up? Thats right: your biceps. And what happens if, on the way home from the dry cleaner, you spill some protein shake on your shirt? Youd need a washboard to clean them before the stain sets, right? Good thing youd be carrying a washboard at all times in the form of your abs. Interplay like this is why GTL is a rock-solid system. Ive thought this shit out, bro.

Heres the program I follow for huge guns and ripped-up abs that shock and awe:

I like to incorporate situational training when working on my situation. I train my fist-pump muscles using a heavy dumbbell or a cable apparatus. (Pauly D and I are actually deep intoR & D on a Fist-Pump 3000 Trainer.)

Coming to gyms everywhere in 2011

Ill also occasionally pick the biggest gorilla juicehead in the gym (although if hes in the gym with me, its more accurate to call him the second-biggest) and invite him to pummel my midsection with punches in order to maintain my ab strength.

Another day at the office

SITCH AB FACT: My abs actually played the part of Vinny for the entire third episode ofJersey Shore: Season One.My abs are such good actors, no one noticed.

Cardio

If you want a ripped-up ab situation, you cant let that six-pack hide under a layer of fat. Youve got to burn that off by hitting the treadmill for at least a half hour every day. Hours and hours on the treadmill might sound tough, but its all part of being in the game. As with everything in life, you get out what you put in. For the best results, switch it up by also using the elliptical trainer and Stairmaster. You want to confuse your muscles by hitting them in different ways. Although my muscles are by this point nearly impossible to confuse; my abs are so intelligent they actually wrote this entire chapter.

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