Mike The Situation Sorrentino and Chris Millis - Heres the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore

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FINAL THOUGHTS

Dear readers, thank you for spending some time with The Sitch. In this unabridged and definitive guide to the GTL lifestyle, Im pretty sure I have emptied out the entire contents of my brain. Wait, let me double-check...

Yes, I have.

And I did it for you. You are the reason The Sitch keeps kicking it hard-core, 24/7. Every morning when I wake up, I go straight to work to make this a grenade-free world for the freshest of the fresh. Right to work, that is, after I kick out whatever chicks are still lingering from the night before. And after I have my protein shake and hit the gym, of course. And get some color, if needed. Quick stop at the barbershop for a touch-up on my tight fade. Thread the eyebrows. Then its across town to pick up my dry cleaningbut you get the general idea.

You are the wind beneath my abs.

As a special gift, I leave you with this exclusive pattern to sew your own Sitch ab-pillow. Something to gently fondle while you watch me Thursday nights at 10 p.m. on MTV, or just to lay your head upon at night as you dream your Jersey dreams.

The first step is arguably the most difficult: Select a fabric that closely mimics my radiant skin tone. (Tip: Bring home swatches from the store and hold them beside the television whenever Im on screen. For best results, use HD technology.)

Cut the fabric as shown in a rounded fashion, allowing a half-inch seam around the circumference.

Lay one pseudo-ab atop the other. Pin them together, leaving space for an opening.

Sew around the ab-pillow, leaving that half-inch seam allowance and stopping short of the opening. Turn the pillow right side out and iron it flat.

Visit your local quarry and ask the foreman to fill your pillow with either dense, hard-packed gravel, or a slab of granite cut to size with a wet saw. (Note: Granite is smooth and will best simulate the feel of my actual abdominals, but any rock that registers 7 or more on the Mohs scale of mineral hardness will do.)

Sew closed the opening with tiny whipstitches. Voila! Enjoy your official Sitch ab-pillow.

Feel free to embroider your new ab-pillow with any of your favorite Sitch quotes. Such as, Dont push it too far with me or Ill throw you in the trunk. Or, This situation is gonna be indescribable. You cant even describe the situation that youre about to get into this situation. Or, Everybody loves The Situation. And if you dont love The Situation, Im going to make you love The Situation.

one

GYM

By now the entire nation knows of my holy trinity of gym, tanning, and laundry, aka GTL. Lets take this thing from the top, with G.

As a certified personal trainer, a former professional underpants model, and a guy who looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off, I know a thing or two about physical fitness. Now, I may be blessed with superior genetics (see next page), but I still hit the gym hard for ninety minutes, five or six days per week. If you want to develop a situation of your own, you cant be half-assed about your workouts. And if youre not locking down the G, you dont deserve to move on to the T and the L. Because it dont make no sense to tan a flabby midsection. Or to obtain crisp laundry to pull over withered biceps. It all begins in the gym. And that applies to everyone, not just world-famous individuals like The Situation. If you skip the gym, youre not going to perform at the peak of your abilities, whether it be at a job in an insurance office or starring on cable TVs highest-rated show in its most coveted demographic.

My fitness situation comes down to three things: Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. Like how God is simultaneously the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, the Situation is Lifting, Cardio, and Nutrition. These are indivisible and eternal.

GENETIC SITUATION

Ive been blessed from the very beginning with genes that make me a winner.

Lifting

Big is out and lean is in. Its important to have a well-balanced physique, but chicks dig two things: biceps and abs. Moreover, these muscles will come in handy on a day-to-day basis. When you go to the dry cleaner to pick up your fresh shirts, what muscle are you going to use to pick them up? Thats right: your biceps. And what happens if, on the way home from the dry cleaner, you spill some protein shake on your shirt? Youd need a washboard to clean them before the stain sets, right? Good thing youd be carrying a washboard at all times in the form of your abs. Interplay like this is why GTL is a rock-solid system. Ive thought this shit out, bro.

Heres the program I follow for huge guns and ripped-up abs that shock and awe:

I like to incorporate situational training when working on my situation. I train my fist-pump muscles using a heavy dumbbell or a cable apparatus. (Pauly D and I are actually deep intoR & D on a Fist-Pump 3000 Trainer.)

Coming to gyms everywhere in 2011

Ill also occasionally pick the biggest gorilla juicehead in the gym (although if hes in the gym with me, its more accurate to call him the second-biggest) and invite him to pummel my midsection with punches in order to maintain my ab strength.

Another day at the office

SITCH AB FACT: My abs actually played the part of Vinny for the entire third episode ofJersey Shore: Season One.My abs are such good actors, no one noticed.

Cardio

If you want a ripped-up ab situation, you cant let that six-pack hide under a layer of fat. Youve got to burn that off by hitting the treadmill for at least a half hour every day. Hours and hours on the treadmill might sound tough, but its all part of being in the game. As with everything in life, you get out what you put in. For the best results, switch it up by also using the elliptical trainer and Stairmaster. You want to confuse your muscles by hitting them in different ways. Although my muscles are by this point nearly impossible to confuse; my abs are so intelligent they actually wrote this entire chapter.

You might ask yourself how a world-famous celebrity like me finds time to get in his cardio. Rest assured that while youre sitting on your couch watching reruns of Jersey Shore, in a hotel gym somewhere The Sitch is paying his bills on the treadmill.

Fresh Tunes

My preference is hard rock and hard rap when Im pushing my body hard at the gym. That style of music gets me amped up and helps me sustain workouts for as long as I need (I suggest my debut single The Situation for your listening pleasure, though that may be too hard-core for beginners). And, yeah, sometimes Ill get so fired up listening to tunes that Ill throw a couple fist-pumps into my treadmill routine. Thats called cross-training, bro.

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