De Cadenet - Its messy: on boys, boobs, and badass women

I consider myself to be a relatively fearless woman. Ive been riding motorbikes since I was six years old, hosting live TV since I was fifteen, and I gave birth to my first child at nineteen. But when Hillary Clinton walked toward me at her campaign headquarters at One Pierrepont Plaza in Brooklyn in January 2016, I momentarily lost my mind. A trickle of perspiration ran down between my boobs. My tongue got thick and dry, as if Id smoked too much weed, and then my mind went blank. I couldnt remember my name... or her name... and what the hell was I supposed to call her again?

Secretary Clinton?

Hillary?

First Lady?

Suddenly, I felt far from fearless. My entire being was flooded with self-doubt.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I shouldnt have agreed to do this.

How could she have agreed to do this?

And how have I passed the Secret Service background check?

I was seconds away from interviewing one of the most powerful and fascinating women on earth. Love her or hate her, you have to admit the prospect of interviewing the woman who everyone thought was about to become the first female president of the United States is daunting. Besides the boob sweat and dry mouth, all I could think about were the illegal drugs Id done twenty years ago, the time Id spent locked up in juvie as a teenage runaway (more on that soon), and the expired drivers license Id been using for the last six months. I was sure that, at any moment, a member of her staff would discover these marks on my record and Id be embarrassingly removed by her security detail.

Fear, my old friend, was talking to me loud and clear.

But to my surprise, the former secretary of state casually approached me, looking very Hillz in an excellent red-coat-and-black-pant suit, and gave me a big smile. Hi, Amanda.

Of course, being a superpro, she knew my name. Hillz extended her hand, and as soon as we locked eyes, my fear and anxiety immediately evaporated. In that moment, I remembered exactly how I had earned the right to conduct this interview: I had consistently worked my ass off interviewing people since I was fifteen years old, and I had overcome endless adversity and personal challenges. All because I held on to the belief that, one day, I would be able to hold my own with the lady who was now standing in front of me.

When I started my talk show, The Conversation, from my living room six years ago, my vision was to facilitate honest conversations with respected women that would inspire and empower other women to live their lives fearlessly. I was fortunate that some of the most intelligent, iconic, insightful women on the planetladies like Jane Fonda, Lady Gaga, Gwyneth Paltrow, Arianna Huffington, Sarah Silverman, and Alicia Keysagreed to sit on my couch and talk to me about their loves, losses, successes, and failures. For the last forty-five years, Barbara Walters had cornered the market on long-form interviews, and I felt that as she was fast approaching her eighties, maybe, just maybe it was time for another woman to be allowed into the one-on-one interview realm. My intention wasnt to make guests cry, which often happened; I just wanted to create a safe space where women could share their truths. Its in those unfiltered and vulnerable moments you realize that we all have more in common than we might think, that weve all been through stuff, and that every female has a story to tell, whether shes won an Oscar or a two-dollar scratch-off card at 7-Eleven.

My own story is shocking, funny, tragic, lucky as fuck, and, of course, messy. Very, very messy. Just based on my tricky childhood, I shouldnt have amounted to much. This might sound strange coming from the daughter of a race car driver dad and a model mom. Those who knew our family in London probably thought I had it made, as I was born into a very privileged situation, no question about it. But privilege doesnt protect you from everything. Especially if you have a vagina.

I believe now, more than ever, that anyone who identifies as being female will, at some point, face one or more of the following life challenges: gender discrimination, body anxiety, unwanted sexual attention or advances, various forms of addiction, and heartbreak. There is not a career, relationship, or diet that makes you exempt from these issues. If there were, Im pretty sure I would have discovered it long ago.

Let me say this now, though: this is not a self-help book. It is not a diary. I havent kept one of those since I was a teenager, when a tabloid stole it and published excerpts as if it were a Jackie Collins novel. Im not a licensed therapist. My only credentials are my life experiences, and there are a whole lot of them, both incredible and very messy, thats for sure.

Im hoping that in sharing my stories with you, as my guests do on The Conversation, I might offer you some experiential insights. Ive been through the shittyslut shaming, cheating, divorce, sexual abuse, domestic violence, going brokethe fantasticexciting career, passionate love, marriage, and beautiful childrenand the uglybetrayal, health scares, body issues, and friendships gone bad. Its Messy is a collection of very personal essays, written in bits and pieces between parenting my three kids, putting the time in to keep my marriage going strong, learning to compromise and communicate more than I thought possible, and working three jobs.

Im not always happily married, but I have been with the same man for sixteen years. I am not a blissed-out mother, but I am extremely proud of my twenty-five-year-old daughter, Atlanta, and my delicious ten-year-old twins, Ella and Silvan. Im not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but I am the founder and CEO of my own media company, which Ive built from scratch and worked my ass off to grow exponentially year after year.

Each chapter in this book is inspired by questions posed by the awesome women and girls in my digital community. They were kind enough to let me know what they wanted me to write about, and I have obliged (for the most part). From boobs, babies, and best friends to bank accounts, beauty, and boys, Im hoping that sharing some of the good, bad, and ugly from my life will inspire you to explore what makes you tick, and make you feel less alone on your own unique journey.

Writing this book has been, hands down, one of the hardest things Ive ever done. My friends who are writers assured me that it would be like childbirththat I wouldnt remember the pain once the book was published. But I think I will. This has been one hell of an experience. Not only has it been overwhelming and terrifying, but it has also made me recognize that Ive survived some crazy-ass shit.

Heads up. This book does not need to be read in sequence. If you just want to identify with someone about love and heartbreak, head to chapter 3. If youre in the chaos of new motherhood, turn to chapter 8. Or if its the morning after a one-night stand, you may want to turn straight to chapter 4. Its Messy is a book I hope you will come back to over the years, as a reminder that you are not flawed without hope. Shit happens to everyone. And you and I, and every other woman out there, should not have to do it alone. Even when its super goddamn messy.