Eli Auerbach - A Guide to Modern Manhood: Quirky Quotes from a Sarcastic Dad

Eli Auerbach

Print ISBN: 978-1-54392-480-0

eBook ISBN: 978-1-54392-481-7

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

D ont judge a book by its cover, or people for that matter.

D ont be so quick to envy other peoples success; you have no idea what they had to do to get it.

D ont go grocery shopping when youre hungry, unless you intended to bake 12 dozen cookies.

D ont gamble, unless of course you already know the outcome.

D ont walk outside barefoot; the outdoors is the animal kingdoms toilet.

D ont be a hero; instructions come in the box for a reason.

D ont feel as though you always need to be right, especially when youre wrong.

D ont hug random strangers. I know you mean well, but they wont.

D ont confuse listening with waiting for your turn to talk.

D ont buy cheap toilet paper; some luxuries in life are just worth splurging on.

D ont be in such a rush to have things named after you. That usually only happens when youre dead.

D ont cram your feelings deep inside you, like eating too much candy; itll give you diarrhea.

D ont be afraid to ask for help; be even more willing to give it.

D ont let the ghosts from your past haunt your future.

D ont vote for any candidate you wouldnt feel comfortable inviting to your home for dinner.

D ont ask questions you already know the answers to.

D ont use words you cant easily define; you dont sound nearly as clever as you think.

D ont ever let anybody tell you that your choice in music is wrong, unless you like disco.

D ont play with peoples emotions; play an instrument instead.

D ont ever say never, unless were talking about quitting. Never quit.

D ont be the first to buy new technology; let someone else find out it doesnt actually work.

I f youre sniffing your shirt to see if it stinks, then just go get a new shirt.

I f youre embarrassed about introducing your girlfriend to me, then maybe thats a sign you shouldnt be dating her.

I f you choose a profession based on how much youll make, then dont be surprised when that money cant buy happiness.

I f youre questioning whether you studied enough as the test begins, then I think you know the answer.

I f youre busy taking yourself too seriously, then no one else will.

I f youre cautious with your choices today, then you wont have to worry about regrets tomorrow.

I f you dont have the guts to say it to their face, then you shouldnt say it while hiding behind social media.

I f you think you need that much cologne, then maybe what you really need is a shower.

C onsider yourself a stonemason and go pave your own path in life.

T rust is like a fart; once youve broken it, no one will forget it happened.

Y ou cant finish an entire pizza in one bite; what makes you think finishing a task you dont like would be any different?

Y our decisions are like a pebble thrown in a pond; they ripple much further than you realize.

P assion is like a flame; you have to keep feeding it kindling or itll extinguish.

L ove is a lot like snow; if you hold too tight, it will melt away.

Y ou should approach life the same way you drive; taking it nice and slow so you dont have an accident.

G ood habits are like clay; they become harder to mold with time.

J ust because a clock is right twice a day doesnt mean youll be.

F resh ideas are a lot like eggs; its highly recommended you sit on them for a while before theyre ready to hatch.

S top asking why; the answer will always be, Because I said so.

S top asking for my help before you even try.

S top looking for the easy way out; its hard for a reason.

S top asking other people what they think; the only opinion that truly matters is your own.

S top waiting until tomorrow to stop procrastinating.

S top stealing my funniest lines; go write your own jokes!

T hey say pain is weakness leaving the body; actually, Im pretty sure its an indication youve hurt yourself.

T hey say no man is an island, but I find its nice to spend some time alone every now and again.

T hey say water is the elixir of life, and as with life, youll drown if you enjoy too much.

T hey say honesty is the best policy, but that doesnt apply when she asks you, Does this make me look fat?

T hey say the squeaky wheel gets the grease; its also going to really piss off the other wheels.

T hey say its good luck when a bird poops on you; I can tell you from personal experience its not.

S ometimes in life, there is no better medicine than laughter... and puppies, definitely puppies.

S ometimes when people are mean on the outside, its because theyre sad on the inside.

S ometimes youll find what youre looking for back where you started.

S ometimes were going to have uncomfortable conversations. Just know Ill feel weird too.

S ometimes bitter beginnings will have sweet endings.

S ometimes in life, there are questions we just shouldnt ask, like What did we use before toilet paper?

S ometimes a hug is all that needs to be said.

S ometimes people feel good by making other people feel bad. Dont be that guy.

S ometimes even when you do everything right, things may still turn out wrong.

S ometimes the only difference between success and failure is being in the right place at the right time.

S ometimes opportunity opens doors to places you really shouldnt go.

S ometimes, the people who appear weird on the outside are the most interesting on the inside.

S ometimes its going to hurt and all you can do is feel it.

D onating your time is often more valuable than donating your money.

A person will know youre truly sorry when you dont do it again.

L ook people in the eye during conversations; let them know youre paying attention.

G ive compliments freely, especially to your partner and loved ones.

Y oull be amazed at how many problems can be solved over cake and a cup of coffee.

R espect is hard to earn, easy to lose, and nearly impossible to regain once lost.

A sk people questions; youd be surprised how much people love to talk about themselves.