Cleo Stiller - Modern Manhood: Conversations About the Complicated World of Being a Good Man Today

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Copyright 2019 by Cleo Stiller

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First Tiller Press hardcover edition November 2019

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Interior design by Lewelin Polanco

Cover image of hair by Shutterstock

Author photograph by Atisha Paulson

Cover design by Daniela Hritcu

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 978-1-9821-3201-9

ISBN 978-1-9821-3205-7 (ebook)

For those trying to leave the world a better place than they found it.

Here are three self-evident truths: the Harvey Weinsteins of the world need to go, sexual assault is wrong, and women and men should be on equal footing. If you disagree with any of the aforementioned, then this book isnt for you.

But if youre still here, youre probably one of the good guysand youre probably feeling frustrated and exasperated, or simply thinking WTF?, when it comes to the current national conversation surrounding #MeToo, masculinity, and the relationship between women and men. You might have even rolled your eyes at a group text with your friends or while you were scrolling through Facebook or Twitter and said, This has all just gone a little too far. (Not that youd openly cop to that IRL, for fear of getting chewed out.)

If so, then this book is for youbecause you get it, but youve also likely found yourself in countless experiences or conversations recently where the situation feels gray, at best. For example, who hasnt had a date like Aziz Ansari? Or, as a manager, how are you supposed to mentor your female employees in this climate? Or, if this is a post#MeToo world, how come men are often still shamed for making less than their female partners? Can you still watch Louis C.K.?!

How come youre always being made to feel like crap if you ask these questions out loud? And when do we start talking about solutions instead of just putting people down?

Welcome to Modern Manhood.

This book is a manual and a resource that I hope will shed some light on all the gray areas out there, focusing on conversations you are already having with your friends, your dates, your family, and yourself. Each chapter will cover a different area of your personal life, from money and sex to dating and work. Ive talked to experts, celebrities and influencers, and folks just like yourself to see what other people are thinking and doing about these exact questions.

So, you can think of this book as a crowdsourced document of sorts. Its not prescriptive and it has no rules. You can take what you like and leave what you dont.

Oh, and then theres me: Cleo Stiller, a journalist, television host, and regular shmegular human who is going to help synthesize all of this information. Also, Im a lady. Hi.

I started writing this book because I was getting a lot of DMs from men in the aftermath of #MeToo. These were men, mostly straight, who wanted to be thought of as decent dudes, and they certainly thought of themselves that way, but it seemed to them like everything they were taught about how to be a good guy is now being called into question. And, to make matters worse, there are a lot of mixed messages out there. The seemingly harmless workplace banter at happy hour thats no longer harmless, the conflicting messages youre getting about consent during a hookup while still trying to be an assertive guy, and why, if were striving toward equality, are you still on the hook for paying for dates? Does this sound at all familiar?

This is the kind of stuff that you havent typically had to think much aboutand maybe you still dontbut times are changing. Some men are avoiding one-on-one meetings with women in the office entirely because #MeToo has them so spooked. Yes, things have gotten confusing!

And yet, if you ask many therapists, relationship coaches, and activists who work in this space, they actually see this time as a positive. This is an opportunity to be more thoughtful about things weve previously taken for granted and maybe could use an upgrade.

What were talking about here is changing social norms about what is acceptable, Jackson Katz said in a recent episode of National Public Radios TED Radio Hour Ted Talk about the impact of #MeToo. Katz is a world-renowned speaker on promoting gender equality and a cofounder of the Mentors in Violence Prevention program, one of the longest-running gender violence prevention programs in North America.

I think thats really the ultimate issue because so many of the problems that are surfacing are not just about individual perpetrators who are horrible men. While I think it was important that as high-profile men, [Harvey Weinsteins and Bill Cosbys] cases became cultural touchstones, it also distorted the issue a little bit because their behavior is so awful. A lot of men could distance themselves from them and say, This guy is just sick. Thats not me, he says. I think that real reckoning is not with the pathological individuals, but its with the norms that have guided so many of us for so long.

But what do you think of #MeToo and its potential impact? The men I spoke to really ran the gamutsome staunchly in favor and others well, theyre a little unclear about where its all going.

I feel as though #MeToo created a more consensual culture. You can be super old school and bemoan it. But in this new world, people get to speak up and ask for what they really want. Colin Adamo, Hooking Up and Staying Hooked