Hantman - 30 Days to Getting over the Dork You Used to Call Your Boyfriend

H aving trouble rising like a phoenix out of the dirty, stinky pile of ashes that was your last relationship? Can't get his voice, his face, his laugh out of your ever-lovin mind? Feeling like a big lump of nothing since he dumped you?

Think you need a shoulder to cry on? Think again. What you need is a step-by-step program that will get you out of the doldrums, get him out of your life and refresh your sense of super-cute self so that you can go out there and conquer the world (and, more importantly, the foxy-boy population) once again.

Thirty days or less. That's all it takes.

Look, you've had a loss. It's bigger than losing your favorite sweater, smaller than the death of a favorite loved one, but it is a loss just the same. This thirty-day plan follows along to the tune of the five stages of grief-denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

DENIAL. The He'll be back stage. The I just need to call him and explain stage. The innumerable drive-bys and/or stalking stage.

ANGER. Essentially, the dickwad phase. Voodoo dolls, revenge plotting, spreading heinous lies about him so that he is mortified beyond words-these are the things that haunt you.

BARGAINING. The truly ugly phase that is characterized by the unfortunate (and foul) If only I were sweeter/prettier/ sexier So wrong!

DEPRESSION. The classic I'm going to die alone, never having had another boyfriend, and can you pass me that pint of triple mocha fudge phase.

ACCEPTANCE. The zen I think I'm gonna be all right stage that we're striving for here. If we do our jobs right, it may even turn out to be the I'm adorable, smart and cool! phase.

Ultimately, it's all about your attitude. And you actually have all the power you need to change that, within you, right now. No matter how big the pain is, no matter how much it hurts, you have the power. By staying in this unhappy, miserable state, you are just hitting yourself in the face over and over. And frankly, you're waiting for someone else to pull you out of the funk. This book can help, but you're the one who has to do the pulling.

So here's the plan in a nutshell: we're going to shorten the healing process, limiting it to a month, tops, and along the way we're going to teach you a few things about yourself that I bet you didn't know (or at the very least forgot in the midst of this butt-ugly breakup). You'll also learn what to look for in your next conquests so that you can keep any future grand heartaches to a minimum.

The exercises in this book are designed to take you from lump on a log to bright and better than ever. With each task you'll find an inspirational haiku that will inform you of that day's mission. Perhaps they will motivate you to write your own healing haiku. And because music can be such an emotion instigator, each exercise is paired with a song. These tunes are there to help you reach deep down into your gut and find the meaning within-and then they'll inspire you to move on.

Keep this in mind as you work through the next thirty days: change doesn't happen with a single, solitary action, like a boom! Change happens with a series of small actions. It takes a bit of time and some actual labor, but grand happenstances do not need to occur for this to work.

Your job is to listen, be patient, ask for help and make a genuine effort. It sounds sort of like school, but don't worry, this will be a whole lot more painful. Oh yeah, and fun too. Pinky swear.

T he denial phase. It's characterized by the loud, anxious whine It's not over, there is still hope, followed by a possessed call and/or e-mail attempting to convince the dork of this heinous hypothesis, topped off with the drive-bys that look for any glimpse of the dork, preferably in a state of heart-wrenching grief. Note: this is stalking. And it never ends well.

Before you begin, you need to start by accepting that the relationship is really over.

No more daydreaming about ways to get him back. No more anticipating the phone call that isn't coming. No more fantasizing about what brilliant thing you'll say to convince him that you are in fact the one.

Easy? No way. But once you get past this phase, you'll be positioned to move on with the rest of your life, which, in case you had any doubt, has yet to un furl into its most awesome beauty. It's a clich for a reason:

The best is yet to come.

In this chapter we are going to acknowledge the good as well as the bad, and then put a nice big The End exactly where it belongs: on the tail end, aka the butt, of this relationship.

Mantras for this chapter for you to repeat to yourself silently in times of need:

How did this happen,
And where do we go from here?
Suck it up, baby.

Y ou know how in an exorcism the priest needs to make sure the person is truly possessed first before proceeding? Well, same thing goes for youyou need to validate that this relationship existed before you can exorcise the aforesaid dork from your life. How do you do that? You write down your story.

Not his story. Not your best pals' version of what happened, orcrikey!your mom's, but your story. Your story probably involves a lot of glossy, kissy loveliness, and that is A-okay, on this, the first day of getting over him. Allowing yourself to remember the pretty things is part of the process.

In a way, you're honoring the good stuff, honoring the part of you that put aside your scaredy-cat fears and became a part of someone else's life, no matter how long or how briefly. When your mind clears, you will see that you learned from this relationship, but that those lessons are not to be used on a new relationship with the dork. No, these are les sons that will benefit you and your future honeys.

So go ahead and grieve now. Crying is totally al lowed over these next six days. Yikes, it's all but required. And here is the hokey but true part: once you've grieved over what is no more, you can step back and see what you have left, and you will see that it is in fact a whole lot.

T his isn't the time to be self-conscious. Nobody has to know you did thisit's a private thing. Now, nab a pen, grab some paper and sit down alone. You can be in bed in your pajamas with a pint of something gooey by your side, you can be in a park under a tree with a warm breeze hitting your face, it doesn't mat ter. The key here is being alone and with a pen and paper.