Parsons Andrew - How to survive a garden gnome attack: defend yourself when the lawn warriors strike (and they will)

Theres a new threat in town and its only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless garden decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And its here.

Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defence expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognising and interpreting the signs of a gathering horde and in the event that a secured perimeter is breached confronting and combating the attackers at close range.

Chuck Sambuchino is a produced playwright, magazine writer, freelance editor, husband, dog owner and cover band guitarist. He is the author of Formatting & Submitting Your Manuscript, 3rd Edition , and editor of Guide to Literary Agents and the Screenwriters & Playwrights Market. Sambuchino lives in a heavily fortified residence in a secret Midwest location.

Visit howtosurviveagardengnomeattack.com to learn more.

This guide is dedicated to Janosh The Gnome Hunter Onderdonk, Captain Bjorn Presthus, Millie Palmer, and the 126 souls on board National Airways Flight 4663. All were brave individuals whose lives were cut short. Rest in peace, freedom fighters.

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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First published in 2014 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
A Random House Group company
First published in the United States in 2010 by Ten Speed Press,
an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC,
a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

Copyright Chuck Sambuchino 2010
Photography copyright Andrew Parsons 2010
Cover and interior design by Betsy Stromberg
Photo credits:

Chuck Sambuchino has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner

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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 9780091958190

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Keep reading if you want to live.

Call them what you want. Garden gnomes. Lawn ornaments. Little evil outdoor statuary hell-bent on world domination. It doesnt matter. What does matter is that, right now, theyre hiding in plain sight, pretending to be symbols of merriment and good will. But secretly, quietly, while pushing diminutive wheelbarrows and brandishing miniature flower-pots, theyre planning home invasions all over the world. Perhaps theyre in your garden right now and youre staring at one while reading this. (Wait a minute does that gnome look a little closer to the patio door than yesterday?)

Fear not. Now that you know theyre planning to strike, youre much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next thing to do is learn everything you can about how to protect yourself, your loved ones, and your residence from these malicious garden dwellers. Do you know how to stop a gnome from tunnelling under the house? What is the best (really the only) way to combat several gnomes at once in close quarters? How to interpret their communication? Would you recognise the signs of a gathering hoard or an impending infiltration? If you answered no to any of these questions, its a good thing youre reading this handbook.

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only survival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward off a home invasion and eradicate them from your property for good. In the unfortunate event of an actual attack, it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible encounter scenarios and defence strategies. It is important to read the book in its entirety for a thorough understanding of what you and millions like you are dealing with. And after youve finished reading, youll be ready to face the pointy-capped little men waiting outside and save your own life in the process.

If you think you have time to waste, rest assured you do not. Right this very minute, garden gnomes are conspiring and mobilising in your neighbourhood. This problem is not going to go away and never forget that gnomes cannot be domesticated. This is war. They want you dead, and they may succeed unless youre ready. And if you think it could never happen to you because of who you are or where you live or what you look like, trust me when I tell you that they have you in their sights. It doesnt matter where you were born or whether youre sixteen or eighty. These wily warriors are out to exterminate humanity, one gnomeowner at a time.

So before you continue, take a moment to make sure all your doors and windows are secured that includes pet doors. Background or white noise in the room (a small fan works well) is advisable to disrupt any possible enchantments. Do that and then come back. Well wait. They wont.

If youre reading this book, chances are youre in proximity to garden gnomes ( Gnomus hortus ) and have made the most important decision of your life: to educate yourself and take a stand against these suburban subversives. As gnomes continue to populate the planet at an alarming rate, we are all at risk some more than others. Some of us will have years to wait before we have to fight a garden gnome to the death in single combat. Scarily, some of us have days at most before forces clash. Your first step should be to assess the probability level of an attack on your domicile: