Perlmutter - Tooned Out

Tooned Out

By David Perlmutter

Copyright 2012 by David Perlmutter

Cover Copyright 2012 by Dara England and Untreed Reads Publishing

The author is hereby established as the sole holder of the copyright. Either the publisher (Untreed Reads) or author may enforce copyrights to the fullest extent.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold, reproduced or transmitted by any means in any form or given away to other people without specific permission from the author and/or publisher. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to the living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Also by David Perlmutter and Untreed Reads Publishing

Motor City Wolf

Murder's Not Cool

Victory Over the Garden

http://www.untreedreads.com

Tooned Out

By David Perlmutter

Janey Wickman, series star:

The first I heard of it, like all the rest of us, was when we came in that Monday for the table read. It wasnt supposed to be the last table read, as far as I could tell. But thats what it became. ( Cries softly .) Sorry. I dont usually do this too much. You know, keep the stiff upper lip and all. But its just so hard to believe that things ended so badly all of a sudden like that.

I knew it was going to be a difficult time, seeing as most of the regular cast was there. Normally, we arent all there at once; its usually just the ones, like me, who are actually in the episode were going to film that week. So seeing everyone together at the conference table was something of a surprise to me. Were we going to film another sixty-minute special? Maybe a movie ?

No such luck.

Ron came in, and he was absolutely ashen faced. I felt for him, like I usually do for people in those circumstances. But I never expected him to ever have that look on his facethat utter look of blank despair that seemed to peer straight out of his eyes.

Guys, he told all of us, Ive got bad news for you all. Weve been cancelled!

Ron Randisi, series creator and executive producer :

I figured that they needed to hear it from me, and not some pencil-pushing suit up from Melodeons head office in New York. But even me saying that couldnt salve all the wounds. Id helped to give these folks a chance to get exposure and attention from the wider world for three yearsor, as much as one television animation show can actually provide. And now, thanks to some cost-cutting measures from the aforementioned pencil-pushers in New York, the show Id nurtured from its birth was being arbitrarily ended, for no other reason save to keep Melodeon in the black this year. It hurt like hell to tell them that, but it hurt me just as much, since I was losing my job, too.

The show had to go on, though, and so we glumly struggled through that last table read. All of the major characters in the show would be in this last, very apropos, apocalyptic episode, where Janey has to keep Trembling Town from being sucked into an artificial black hole the villains of the Bluster had built to try to destroy her. Janey wins, of course. But that wouldnt be enough to save the show itself.

When we finished the reading, I stayed behind when everyone else had left so I could do the blocking charts for the next days filming. When that was done, I prepared to go home, but then Janey cornered me, as I figured she would.

There she was, all six feet plus of her, in her white artificial skin and her blue skirt, breastplate, pigtails and boots, right in my path. An imposing figure to all except her friends. She didnt seem to know whether to be mad or sad with me, as she let tears drip down the side of her face.

How could you? she demanded.

How could I what? I said.

You know what!

Look, Janey. It wasnt my idea! These things are hardly ever the creators idea!

But didnt you even go to bat for us? She threw her hands up in the air. Im the star , and I didnt even hear about it until now! And Ill bet nobody else did, either!

Of course I went to bat for you, I said. You were my ticket to the big time

Is that all I am to you? she demanded suspiciously. An opportunity? Dont make me go all Frankenstein on your ass!

You are not just an opportunity to me! I said. You were never just that! Look, it took me three years to even start planning this thing, and here it is now, successful! Least it was , anyhow!

Typical attitude! Janey was indignant now. We cartoon characters do all the work, and you human beings make all of the damn money!

You and everyone else have been paid very well, I said in my defense. Better than average, in fact. And Melodeon is giving you all a nice severance packagejust as much as Im getting!

Youre missing the point! she shouted loudly at me.

Which is? I returned.

That, on- and off-camera, weve been working our asses off, and youve just been sitting around telling us what to do! Thats how its been all the time for three damn years!

Hey, now! Wait a minute

Im tired of being mistreated, Ron! She started tearing up again. All of us are! And when we wrap this series for good, youre going to damn well know how much we all hate you! Then she ran down the hallway crying.

All I could do was take off my glasses and baseball cap and ask myself, What in the hell was THAT about?

Bratwurst Brat Carburetor, series supporting player :

Yeah, I know what they say. Old Man Randisis a bit on the loony side, but sos everybody else in Hollywood ( laughs ). There are some things that are true about him, though. He does keep a closed set at all times. He does curse and swear loudly when the takes are blown, and he does slap people around when they dont do what he tells em to. Not Janey, though: Shed kick all of our asses in a New York minute if she wanted to, but shes too nice a kid to do that when its not written down. Thank God for that! But everyone else he slaps silly when they get out of line, real wife beater type stuff. ( Points to his face .) The only reason Im not more handsome than I am now is because he went and took a couple of swipes at me in the old days. Otherwise the ladies would be lining up! ( Looks at himself in a mirror; it cracks up .)

I dont know what his hang-up is. He used to be a PA on the Suckerpunch Girls , and, whoo-wee, Craik MacCracklin makes Randisi look like a pussycat based on what I heard about him. No doubt R.R. decided to copy his management style when he got his own show.

Puckerson Puck Carburetor, series supporting player :

I dont know if you know this already, but, if you dont, Ill explain it as calmly as I can. It is Hell being a cartoon character, especially if you happen to be a kid like me. Then its double hell!

Never mind the slurs, the swears, the racist taunts and challenges; all of us get those. But its worse for the kids because we never get old! None of us! Thats fine and dandy if youre already at the legal drinking and voting age like Janey and Brat are, but what about me ? Our bodies dont get old, but our brains sure do. And we hate it! I dont want to be six physically when Im twenty-six mentally, although thats what were talking about here. Bad enough we dont look or act like the regular human beings, but did we have to get cursed with immortality , too?

Shelby Lint, series supporting player :

Oho! So you got everyone elses sob stories on tape but not mine, huh? Well, let me tell you something, buddyI am not going to miss doing that show! Nothing against anyone I shared time with on screen or anything, especially not Janey, since you know the torch I have in my heart for her, on- and off-camera. RRROWRRR! But NO! If Randisi and Melodeon want me back , they can kiss my skinny, yellow, sickly, fanboy, Jewish ass!