Bill Lloyd - The Dudes Guide to Pregnancy: Dealing with Your Expecting Wife, Coming Baby, and the End of Life as You Knew It

The advice herein is not intended to replace the services of trained health professionals, or be a substitute for medical advice. You are advised to consult with your health care professional with regard to matters relating to your health, and in particular regarding matters that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

Copyright 2008 by Scott Finch and Bill Lloyd

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Wellness Central

Hachette Book Group USA

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com.

First eBook Edition: May 2008

ISBN: 978-044-653733-9

For years, our wives, Jessie and Amy, told us that we were funny and attractive. We never believed them. However, the publication of this book proves that they were at least half right. This book is dedicated to them.

We would sincerely like to thank David Kuhn and Billy Kingsland at Kuhn Projects for their expert advice, motivation, and belief in The Dudes. We literally could not have done this without you.

We would also like to thank Diana Baroni for her expert editing and infinite patience (even while pregnant). And Alison Bonaguro for her constant encouragement/nagging to actually finish this project.

We would especially like to thank all of our friends who unwittingly provided material and didnt know we were writing a book. You guys are the best.

Welcome to the first sentence of the most important book youll ever read in your whole entire life. We are The Dudes. Our names are Bill Lloyd and Scott Finch, but we are so much more than that. We are a combination of your grandfather, your father, your friends (not the dumb ones), and anyone else who dispenses helpful advice for the purpose of making you less stupid. We, like you, enjoy fried foods, electronic gadgets, professional sports, and your mom jokes. We are the oversight committee for any self-respecting man and are dedicated to the relentless pursuit of totally kicking ass. Any dude can join us and become one of The Dudes, but none of those I have a penis but was born with the soul of a woman males are welcome... yeesh. We dont have time to hear about your sensitivity issues, because the pregame is about to begin. We offer advice, make decrees, and belittle you when you deserve it (which is more often than you think, dumbass).

The Dudes recognize that manhood is a big tent, and men of any race, religion, social status, or economic standing are welcome (and if you have money to spring for the pizza, thatll help). After all, it is our differences that make us great, unless of course those differences are vegetarianism or a love of professional soccer.

Importantly, The Dudes recognize that propagation of the species is essential to our own existence. We understand that there is a hard way and an easy way to deal with pregnancya right way and a wrong way. We understand that the experience can be a difficult and arduous one for men. The Dudes first and foremost recommendation is a universal one:

Suck it up and bury your feelings deep, deep down inside.

While the suggestions in this book are all very useful, be advised they are all ancillary to the above suggestion.

On behalf of self-respecting men everywhere, The Dudes wish you Godspeed.

Its Gods gift to humanity. Its your legacy. Its Natures perfect parasite.

Bill remembers the day his wife took her pregnancy test. It was beautiful, special, historic... and hilarious! Thats mostly because, if you look at the instructions that come with the pregnancy test, youll see an artists rendering of a lady peeing on a stick. Seriously, a drawing of a woman peeing? It doesnt get any funnier than that and should keep you laughing for the next three to four minutes as you wait for two pink lines, a plus sign, or the rabbit injected with your wifes urine to gasp for its last breath of sweet, life-giving oxygen.

Anyway, the test was positive. Bill and his wife embraced as his laughter quickly turned to tears, which he assured his wife were tears of joy (which she totally bought).

It was a great moment for both of them. She looked forward to nine months of attention and being cute, and Bill made a pact with himself not to take for granted the last 280 days (403,200 minutes) of life as he knew it.

He was fortunate enough to have a good friend, Scott, who had become a father months before him. Scotts wife, a teacher turned stay-at-home mom, gave Bills wife, a teacher and soon-to-be stay-at-home mom, the lowdown on the wonderful journey she was about to embark on. Similarly, Scott gave Bill biweekly briefings on what emotions, needs, dodging of flying objects (including toast), and general awfulness to expect. The following ten chapters are those briefings and are our $12 gift to you... The Dudes Guide to Pregnancy. If you have half as much fun reading this book as we did writing it, we will have enjoyed this book twice as much as you.

Checklist

As you begin your forty-week adventure, realize that a lot of what will happen can easily be dealt with on a learn-as-you-go basis. However, there are several situations that The Dudes experience and expertise will help you avoid. To maximize the books usefulness, we have compiled a list of essential items you will need for the next nine months. We suggest you procure the following items as quickly as possible:

alcohol: In any drinkable form. It truly takes the edge off. Alternate suggestions include Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Lexapro, lithium, or any other medication Tom wont let Katie take.

one medium-sized monkey: A well-trained ape can take care of several tasks you would not want to do yourself. Midgets are a suitable substitute but are harder to housebreak.

ten to twelve large rubber bands

pirate costume: Trust us, youll need it (for the hard times).

2 tablespoons fresh basil

Note: One important item missing from the list above is dignity. That is not a mistake. You will not need any and will consequently be hard-pressed to find even a shred for months, nay years, to come.

People Who Shouldnt Read This Book

This book is strictly intended for male reading only. The subject matter is privileged, private, and confidential and is explicitly not intended for a female audience. Please understand that sharing the information herein with women would make Pandoras box look like a Rubiks Cube. You dont want to be responsible for opening that can of worms, do you?

As a precaution, this book is equipped with the latest in secure publishing technology. The cover and pages are coated with a harmful chemical agent that is activated by the pH exclusive to a womans skin. In laboratory tests, the resulting chemical reaction has caused severe skin deformities, making test subjects appear to resemble Joan Rivers... ew. Consider yourself warned.

Note to Those Who Knocked Up Girlfriends

This book is written in the context of heterosexuals conceiving children in holy wedlock. However, we feel the topics are mostly universal to pregnant women and their sperm-donating counterparts. Yes, we feel it can be a good read even if you are reading from the comfort of your parents basement, with your babys mamma next to you on the futon.

Its important you know that we do not judge those who have children out of wedlock. Well leave it to the Almighty to send you to hell to burn for eternity.