Samuel Kaplan - When Ninjas Attack: a Survival Guide for Defending Yourself Against the Silent Assassins

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Table of Contents

A ninja prepares to strike an unsuspecting dinner patron. Hamamatsu, Japan, c. 1870. From the authors collection.

INTRODUCTION

THE MODERN NINJA THREAT

If you come to a fork in a road, grab a knife.

Proverb found at the Oyaji Ninjutsu School
Hachimantai, Japan, c. 15th century A.D.

Ninja. The word itself evokes feelings of childish awe and absolute terror. The dictionary defines ninja as one trained in the art of ninjutsu. Then, ninjutsu is cryptically defined as the art of stealth. Translated more clearly in English, the term means what you will not see until it is too late.

Some people believe ninjas are only a Hollywood myth, but the reality is far darker and more dangerous. Ninjas not only plague modern societytheyre everywhere. They travel undetected across our borders. They hide in our homes and offices. Theyre spies, tricksters and mercenaries, killing at the behest of maddened laymen, then slipping unheard and unseen from scenes of heinous mayhem.

This book tells you how to live free of the ninja threat. Even as you read these words, your life may already be in grave danger. Take a look around you. Do you see any ninjas? Of course not. The true skill of the ninja is his or her ability to hide in plain sight.

Range of documented ninja activities, 1600-1700 A.D.

Range of documented ninja activities, 1800-2000 A.D.

Maybe youre reading this guide in a coffee shop. See that surly black-clad goth at the counter ordering a peppermint tea? Hardly a disguise. The geeky college student with the glasses, seemingly lost in her MacBook .... See that elegantly carved cane leaning against her chair?

Or perhaps youre reading this book out loud to your friends in the comfort of your own living room. Youre probably safe, right? Not so fast. Your best friend may be a ninja assassin who for years has patiently awaited the perfect opportunity to poison you or slice your stomach open.

Or worse yet, perhaps youre alone, reading in the privacy of your bedroom. Your windows are shut. Your doors are locked. Surely youre safe. Surely....

Throughout history, ninja activity has never been completely documented. Those who have triedhave been killed, committed suicide or simply vanished from the face of the earth. Our oversimplified Hollywood image of these highly trained human shadows (garbed in black from head to toe, faces covered, carrying martial arts weapons) distract the general public from the reality of the ninja peril. This blissful ignorance is compounded by historians who claim that ninjas disappeared centuries ago. While terrorist threat levels remain perpetually orange (high), most people remain joyfully unaware of the constant danger of sudden, catastrophic ninja attacks.

MURDER BY NUMBERS

In the United States, 87 percent of all unsolved murders in the lower 48 states are the direct result of ninja attacks. In Hawaii and Alaska, geographically closer to the ninja home islands of Japan, that figure jumps to 93 percent and 92 percent, respectively.

The power of the ninja is rooted in its difference from modern terrorist and government war machines. Ninjas have no use for the mass media. They perpetually fly under the radar, never seeking notoriety or slipping haphazardly into the public eye. Theyre serial killers with no modus operandi, who make no mistakes. Ninjas have no allegiance, not even the Bushido code, and they have no regard for your life or their own. A ninjas own death comes, usually by his or her own hand, with the dishonor of failing in a mission. For the ninja, failure means just one thingthe intended victim is still breathing, still twitching, still alive.

WHY ME?

The first thing youll ask yourself before or during a ninja attack is, Why would a ninja attack me? The fact is everyone is a potential ninja target. Ninjas are hired assassins and can be employed for reasonable prices. Therefore, anyone may hire a ninja against yoube it a neglected lover, envious coworker, disgruntled employee or someone who simply doesnt like the cut of your jib. If you lead a pious, sin-free life, you have a good chance of avoiding a ninja attack. Of course, as the old adage says, nobodys perfect.

ANATOMY OF A NINJA ATTACK

9 MONTHS AND 1 DAY UNTIL ATTACK: You accidentally consume the last bagel at work in front of the intern who drove ha!f an hour to pick them up. Thus, you deny her breakfast. The intern hires a ninja to settle the score.

9 MONTHS: After negotiatinga a few clauses and signing and countersigning contracts, a ninja team is dispatched to your hometown. They establish an outpost at your neighborhood Baja Fresh.

8 MONTHS, 21 DAYS: The ninja team begins daily reconnaissance operations, stealthily posting one ninja in your house, one at your workplace and one along your commute.

MONTHS, 15DAYS: The ninja team has now established a thorough timetable of your routine. They can anticipate your whereabouts with 87 percent accuracy.

7 MONTHS: The ninja squad is now intimately familiar with your entire schedule; theyre beginning to understand your inner psyche.

4 MONTHS: Nothing about you is secret. Over carnitas burritos, the ninjas often laugh about your unpleasant tendency to vigorously scratch your groin while you sleep.

3 MONTHS, 16 DAYS: The ninjas, confident in their covert operations, take an extended vacation, easing any paranoid suspicions you may have as they get some much-needed ninja R & R. (Take this opportunity to finish reading this book and ninja-proof your home, workplace and body. Consider changing genders.)

8 DAYS, 14 HOURS: The ninja team takes up position, reconfirming your daily routine over the next week.

NINJA-NIGHT,MINUTES: You enter your home after a long day of work. The lights are off. You pour a glass of wine, open a jar of red-pepper hummus and turn on the TV.

N-NIGHT,MINUTES: One member of the ninja team initiates the attack, leaving his perch above your bedroom door. The other team members stand guard.

N-NIGHT, ZERO HOUR: The attack ninja unsheathes his sword soundlessly. He draws the sharpened blade to your neck. The TV flickers to a commercial. The soft couch pulls you into a state of deep relaxation. The sword rises, catching the light of the tube. The TV screen faintly reflects the illuminated blade. Are you ready?

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