Table of Contents
For Pickles
FOREWORD
HOW THE AUTHORS WENT NINJA
Dear Reader,
A couple of months ago, your humble authors, Sam the Sinewy and Glorious Manparts Keith, became the first Americans of European lineage to successfully found an officially recognized ninja ryuThe Crappy Pants Ninja Venture of Oakland, California.
After a christening ceremony at a local Benihana, the two men sat together under the hazy glow of a fiery stove and, their spirits warmed by heated mugs of green-teainfused sake, spoke of their good fortunes. Here they were, two seemingly normal Americans, embraced by the worlds deadliest artninjutsu. Theirs is a story that has ended beautifully. But the road to get there was rocky.
CRAPPY PRE-NINJA LIVES
Before becoming members of the worlds most selective profession, your authors were normal American Joes. Much like you, dear reader, they were overweight, underemployed and unhappy. The unremarkable citizens went by the nonthreatening names of Sam Daisy Kaplan and Keith Sunshine Riegert. They spent their days bloated and depressed, not knowing the tremendous feeling of wielding a sharpened sword.
Lacking motivation and self-discipline, Sam had resigned himself to working as a paralegal for his mother. Keiths life, similarly miserable, consisted of a monotonous nine-to-five at the local Go-Go Happy Cupcake.
Why did they allow themselves to live enshrouded in the darkened mists of banality? The answer is comfort. Like most Americans, these pitiful specimens were content to be, well, content. They had tricked themselves into stagnation through a series of compromises. Their mediocre jobs may have sucked, but at least they came home to decent apartments, replete with both cable television and Internet. They had opted for security over happiness and safety over any sense of adventure.
Little did they know, however, that that deep-rooted sense of security was nothing more than a hellish faade. They would never be safe. No one ever is.
As you Americans live your quiet little lives, your world slowly fills with a vengeful new threat youve never heard about. Sure, your TVs constantly flicker with new media-born threatsterrorism, swine flu, economic collapse, killer flamingos, geriatric obesitybut no one ever bothers to discuss the serious and deadly threat that lurks in the shadows of our neighborhoods, homes and officesthe ninja.
It would be convenient to blame your collective ignorance on the stealthiness of the American ninjas themselves; but the truth is that you have no one to blame but yourselves. The signs are there: a movement in the shadows of a dark alleyway; a rustling in the trees despite a marked lack of wind; a man dressed as a ninja clinging to the ledge of an apartment building. You just choose to ignore them.
ATTACKED BY NINJAS
You see, though they didnt know it at the time, Keith and Sam shared a vindictive mutual friendMichael P. Waterman. An old high school acquaintance, Michael had an intense jealousy for both Keiths job at Go-Go Happy Cupcake and Sams flighty girlfriend, Nicki Johnson.
Typical of his passive-aggressive approach to life, Michael chose to hire ninjas to kill Keith and Sam instead of expressing his conflicted desires outright. Short on funds, Michael chose the cheap and efficient Majestic Foot Ninja Clan, an inexperienced ninja group whose members had previously been part of a traveling tap-dance troupe. Needless to say, while they had good footwork, their weapons skills left something to be desired, and they lacked the necessary discipline to be deadly ninja warriors.
HOW OBESITY SAVED THE DAY
On a moonless Monday night, Sam and Keith walked through the parking lot of an In-N-Out Burger, clutching greasy Double-Doubles and fountain sodas. It was here, among the cars, trucks and oil stains that the ninjas sprang their violent trap. The ensuing battle was horrendous. The six ninjas that initiated the attack fought viciously, jumping from car roofs, slashing tires and rocketing ninja stars into dashboards and bumpers. Sam and Keith, in turn, fought for their lives. They flailed, kicked and cried, haphazardly throwing meat patties, syrupy shakes and delicious French fries.
NINJAS IN AMERICA?
Despite surviving relatively unscathed, Keith and Sam were severely rattled. America, they now knew, was no longer the safe haven it had once seemed. There was a new constant threat to cower from, a threat as serious as carpal tunnel, gingivitis and tainted eggs.
Like most uninformed Americans, the two of them had believed that the ancient practice of ninjutsu was an art that had long ago died in the fields of Japan, not one that was alive and well. Intrigued and terrified, they studied the practice from back to front, amassing a tremendous knowledge of the countrys lurking threat. The ninja had to be dealt with, and they would have to be the dealers.
WHEN NINJAS ATTACK, THE WORLDS MOST COMPREHENSIVE SURVIVAL GUIDE
Reluctantly, and fearing violent reprisal from the ninja community, Sam, Keith and a martial-arts master named Phoebe put their encyclopedic knowledge of the ninja into one incredibly important tome on survival, When Ninjas Attack.
They set out to answer the questions that could save peoples lives: What is ninjutsu? How do ninjas train? What combat styles and weapons do they utilize? And what is the best way to defend yourself from a ninja attack?
For months, the budding ninja historians immersed themselves in the dark world of the icy-veined warriors. The tales they encountered were savage, nauseating and strangely beautiful. The deeper into the story of the ninja they went, the more respect they held for the art. They were falling in love with the ninja.
NINJA, A LOVE STORY
Sam and Keith soon discovered that being a ninja does not just mean a simple career as a deadly assassin. Ninjutsu is a full way of life. It is a diet, exercise routine, philosophy and creative outlet all wrapped up into one neat package. They discovered that ninjas enjoy miraculously little stress and lofty confidence levels; these warriors can live to unfathomable old ages and often engage in inspiring amounts of sex. The life of the ninja is, in a word, perfect.
Even as their anti-ninja survival guide was hitting store shelves, Sam and Keith were beginning to convert. They were going ninja.
THE PATH TO BECOME A NINJA: MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT APPEARS
Despite their full-fledged desires to become masters of the dark art, Keith and Sam almost immediately ran into one huge obstacle: They didnt know any real ninjas. The only ninjas they had met at that point were the poseurs who had attacked them.
An online search, including a dozen Craigslist man-4-ninja personal ads, turned up nothing but a handful of frightening encounters with sexually aggressive warrior wannabes.
Discouraged, Sam and Keith decided to go it alone, reading up on ninja moves and improving their strength, dexterity and flexibility at a karate-Pilates combo class at their local community center.
