Stachel-Williamson - Stop painful sex: healing from vaginismus: a step-by-step guide

By Maree Stachel-Williamson

Smashwords Edition

Copyright (c) 2013 MareeStachel-Williamson

All Rights Reserved

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for you personalenjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away toother people. If you would like to share this book with anotherperson, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Ifyou are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was notpurchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.comand purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard workof this author.

My personal story and why I wrote thisbook

How to use this book

Disclaimer

What is vaginismus

Understanding vaginismus What's actuallyhappening here? The mind and body connection

Sex Don't give up it's good for you!Physical and emotional benefits from sex

What is the goal here?

Understanding the female sexual arousalprocess

The elastic vagina

A note on orgasms

Treating vaginismus Important steps beforeyou begin the exercises

Doctors visit, medications, beliefs andemotions

Busting beliefs You can heal this!

Traumas can heal

Beliefs can change

Belly breathing: 6-10 minutes

Full lung breathing: 6-10 minutes

Angel wings breathing: 1 2 minutes

The 4,7,8 breathing pattern

Mindfulness

Body scanning

Progressive muscle relaxation

Finding your erogenous zones

PC muscle training

Dilator therapy

Masturbation

Eye gazing: 2-5 minutes

Breathing in time: 5-10 minutes each

Sensate focusing

Dilator use with your partner

Key points for creating sexual arousal

A woman's biggest sex organ: Her mind

What if I'm single?

Alternative treatments

How to get support from your partner

What you can do to support your partner withvaginismus

What you can do to support your daughter withvaginismus

What you can do to support your friend withvaginismus

For friends, family and others What to sayand what not to say

Tips on choosing your healthprofessionals

The ending to my vaginismus story

Further realizations

My story and why I have written this book foryou.

I used to suffer from vaginismus. And when Isay suffer, I mean suffer. Sex was incredibly painful. Even worse,sexual intercourse was physically impossible.

When I had vaginismus I didn't know such athing even existed. It was the late 1990's. I was 17 years old andexperienced it for nearly a year. I never spoke to a doctor orhealth professional about it and it wasn't until several years agowhen I started getting referrals from a sexual health clinic forNLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and hypnotherapy to help womenwho were experiencing painful sex. I was asked to teach the womenreferred to me how to relax, help them understand the role of theunconscious mind and work through any related traumas. It was thenthat I consciously realized I had suffered from the same conditionin my youth. It was an incredible moment because it felt as though,for the first time in my life, what I had been through becamesomething that officially 'existed'.

The female clients being referred to me aresometimes embarrassed and confused about the situation. Given thatthere is no external funding for appointments, they often come infor a chat or a session after being recommended to do so by theclinic. Sometimes they are still trying to get their head aroundwhat is actually happening and unsure about what they want to do totry to solve it (or whether it can be solved in the firstplace).

So in the little time I see them, I might getthe chance to talk to them about the role of the unconscious mind,and teach them some relaxation exercises. When appropriate, I canhelp them work through the memory of a traumatic sexual experience.We may explore the bigger picture and the current issues in theirrelationship. But there is never enough time to do all (or even a quarter) of that which would be useful.Often I have wished I could tell them about a really usefulself-help program or book. Ideally it would be a kind ofinformative workbook that would help them learn and explore allaspects of the situation. The kind of book that would not onlyinform, but also one that is packed with practical steps so theycould pinpoint the source of the issue for them personally andstart to do something about it in their own time and pace, inprivacy and with little cost involved.

The more I thought about this, the moreobvious it became that I needed to create that book for them (andfor all the others, like me, who do not even seek help in the firstplace). The fact that I have had vaginismus myself means that Icould incorporate elements and insights from a personal level aswell as the knowledge I have gained as a therapist.

Personally, I've always been into dreamingbig and in my healing from vaginismus, it was important to me tonot only be able to have sexual intercourse, but to have mindblowing, beautiful, spiritual sexual experiences and be able toexperience all that my body was capable of experiencing. I have hadthis in mind as I have written this book. It is not just aboutstopping the pain, but working towards a strong emotionalconnection and really enjoyable sex with whoever you maychoose.

Because there can often be a lot to overcomein terms of psychological hurdles for a woman with vaginismus, Ibelieve it is important to look not just at getting over theemotional blocks and fears but also to work towards body acceptanceand responsibility for one's own pleasure. Knowing your body andbeing able to control your own arousal is an empowering position tobe in which will benefit sexual and intimate relationships wellinto the future.

Therefore in this book, I not only look athelping you understand the condition of vaginismus and how it isthat you may have come to have it as well as steps you can take toovercome it, but I also approach the larger topic of sexualenjoyment and masturbation. Of course whether you want to exploremasturbation is entirely up to you. It's an experience I highlyrecommend because just as it is important to know how to makeyourself happy rather than having to wait for someone else to'give' you happiness, it also makes sense and is most empowering tobe able to pleasure yourself and reap the benefits emotionally,physically and spiritually, without having to pin your needs onsomeone else being able to fulfill them for you. In my eyesmasturbation is the ultimate form of sexual freedom. Women are morelikely to orgasm during sex in a long term relationship than fromcasual sex, and thus taking responsibility and learning how to giveyourself this pleasure just makes logical sense so you canexperience it regardless of your situation.

So there I was as a teenager when I becamesexually active with my first long-term boyfriend. I rememberconsciously choosing to lose my virginity with him even though weweren't officially going out at the time. For ease of reading, Iwill simply refer to him in this book as my first boyfriend. I feltphysically very safe with him and since our past sexual experienceshad been very pleasurable I assumed making love would be as well.Being educated at a Catholic school had planted some negativethoughts and fears in my mind and I really wanted my first time tobe a positive memory. Much to my horror, what followed was monthsof trying again and again to lose my virginity. No matter what wedid, it was always painful for me. My body didn't seem as if it wasgoing to allow me to lose my virginity. If you suffer fromvaginismus, you know what I'm talking about.