Tennov - Love and limerence: the experience of being in love

DOROTHY TENNOV

Scarborough House
4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200
Lanham, Maryland 20706

Copyright 1979, 1999 by Dorothy Tennov

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.

First edition published in 1979 by Stein and Day Publishers

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Tennov, Dorothy.

Love and limerence : the experience of being in love / Dorothy Tennov.

p. cm.

Originally published: New York : Stein and Day, 1979. With new pref.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 0-8128-6286-4 (pbk. : alk. paper) ISBN 978-0-8128-6286-7

1. Love. I. Title.

BF575.L8T46 1999
152.4'1dc21

98-47912
CIP

The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI Z39.481984.

Manufactured in the United States of America.

FOR HELEN PAYNE

and in memory of

Stendhal

(Marie Henri Beyle, 17831842)

Also by Dorothy Tennov

Psychotherapy: The Hazardous Cure
Super Self: A Womans Guide to Self Management

It is not love. It is the force of evolution
expressed as the compulsion for the particular,
this particular one above all others. Often,
it is called love....

Limerence is an aspect of basic human nature, one significant to human reproduction, to conception, child care, family, productivity, even to the decisions that determine human history. Personal experience of limerence is not different today than that reported to me in the 1960s and 1970s. This reprint of Love and Limerence differs from the edition first made available in November 1979 only in corrections of typographical errors.

Responses to the first printings of Love and Limerence were divided: While letters poured in from readers who confirmed the books conclusions, reception by the academic community was cool. Many people actively disliked the concept of limerence as much as others appreciated it. But limerence theory was not totally forgotten, and recently the tide of academic favor has turned. Within the past ten years, references to limerence have appeared in psychology textbooks. Evolutionary anthropologists geared toward finding human universals rather than cultural differences cite Love and Limerence for its accurate descriptions of the common experiences of persons from diverse cultures.

Combining the results reported originally in Love and Limerence with additional information gathered during the ensuing years, it can be asserted that limerence occurs across sexual, racial, age, cultural, and other categories. It also follows immutable rules: It endures as long as do the conditions that sustain both hope and uncertainty; it is unique in human experience for its control over our thought processes; and its power places the achievement of the limerent goal of reciprocation above responsibilities and above other relationships. Because the nature of the limerent experience depends on how one interprets the actions of another, it does not follow a standard or predetermined set of stages. And limerence is sexual because the limerent object is always desired as a sex partner; despite this, the limerent wish to obtain emotional commitment is greater than that of physical union. Limerence for someone other than ones spouse can cause major disruption to the family, and when frustrated, limerence may produce such severe distress as to be life threatening.

Reaction to limerence theory depends partly on acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. People who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and are often resistant to the evidence that it exists. To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological. The phenomenon that provides the subject of much romantic poetry and fiction has been called an addiction, an indication of low self-esteem, irrational, neurotic, erotomanie, and delusional. To those without direct experience it seems inconceivable that a sane person could attach so much importance to another individual. But an understanding of the nature of limerence and the implications of limerence theory does not require direct experiencemany commonly accepted facts about nature and physical laws are known only because we found a way to learn about them through indirect means. In this case, the scientific identification of limerence as a distinct state came about through the accumulation of consistent testimony brought forth through limerence research, much of it stimulated by Love and Limerence in the years since its initial publication.

In those two decades, research on romantic love has gradually increased, as have references to Love and Limerence in professional literature. But limerence theory continues to arouse controversy that seems intrinsic to the nature of the condition. Most love research has thus far consisted of such projects as tracking overt behavior in public places, following the course of marital relationships, and administering questionnaire surveys. That the personal revelations reported in Love and Limerence provide accurate portrayals of something experienced by many is accepted; but that it is involuntary, that it occurs to otherwise entirely ordinary people, and that it is distinct in its relationship to external events seems too extreme. In years to come, I predict that research directed at the physiological factors associated with limerence will settle the issue.

The idea of an automatic love mechanism is not new. Shakespeare was neither the first nor the last to assume the existence of an external force that induces attraction, and the notion of a chemical change associated with amorous inclination pervades folklore. Humans have long searched for two elixirs: one that would bring eternal youth and one that would arouse erotic passions. The former may always elude us, but perhaps limerence theory takes us a step toward achievement of the latter.

As I reread Love and Limerence to prepare this statement, I found that virtually everything I have since learned about the phenomenon of limerence itself is here in this first volume. It is my hope that with this reissuing, and with a changed scientific climate, more researchers from various disciplines will find answers to some of the many questionsscientific, social, and even legalraised by the findings reported thus far. What I said at the end of Love and Limerence still applies: Here is a preliminary report that only scratches the surface of understanding of one of the most potent forces affecting human existence.

You think:

I want you.

I want you forever, now, yesterday, and always. Above all, I want you to want me.

No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am not safe from your spell. At any moment, the image of your face smiling at me, of your voice telling me you care, or of your hand in mine, may suddenly fill my consciousness rudely pushing out all else.

The expression thinking of you fails to convey either the quality or quantity of this unwilled mental activity. Obsessed comes closer but leaves out the aching. A child is obsessed on Christmas Eve. But its a happy prepossession full of excitement, curiosity, and expectation.