Dossie Easton - When Someone You Love Is Kinky

Can anybody really ever understand someone elses experience, someone elses life? We all know that an upper-middle-class female suburbanite might have trouble understanding what goes on in the heart and mind of a male inner-city denizen. But can that suburbanite really even understand the life of her next-door neighbor? If youve ever had the experience of attending a movie with a friend, then afterwards finding out that each of you had a completely different understanding of what that movie was trying to say, you have some idea of the challenge of bridging the huge gulf in perception between one person and the next.

Each of us brings a lifetime of experience, learning and belief to the task of forming our own perceptions. When we try to understand someone elses reality, we cannot help but be influenced by our background. Often, its easy: you may not understand why your friend adores caviar when you think it tastes like, well, fish eggs but you compare his love for this odd food to your love for chocolate truffles, and that gives you an idea of why hed pay absurd amounts of money to fill his mouth with lumpy black goo.

Sometimes, however, its not that easy. If you learn that someone you care about enjoys something that youve been taught is weird or funny, or even wrong or sick, you may see that person in a whole new way. The gulf between you may seem uncrossable. You may even wonder if you ever knew that person in the first place.

Yet many people cross that gap every day. By learning more about whatever it is that their son, daughter, friend, parent, sibling or co-worker enjoys by trusting that persons ability to make healthy choices and, above all, by continuing to offer love, friendship and affection even when things seem confusing and weird and impossible they discover deeper, truer connections than they ever had before. That is what we want for you, and why we wrote this book.

Many, many people in this world have sexual interests or practices that are in some way unusual. These people may enjoy bondage or spanking, erotic role-playing, dressing in special clothes that turn them on, or a host of other activities that place them outside the sexual mainstream. Your mechanic might have an alternative sexuality, or your librarian, or your kids teacher, or your boss.

Any one of these people might enjoy alternative sex play occasionally, behind closed doors, for fun. Or they might do something considered kinky as their primary sexual expression. For some, their kink becomes a central part of their lives and their identity, so important to them that without it theyd be a different person. For a better idea of what this means, think about music: some people play a musical instrument occasionally for fun or relaxation, others play every day and consider their music an important part of their creative expression, and still others, if asked to describe themselves, would respond, Im a musician.

So if you count the full spectrum, ranging from those who experiment occasionally to those who identify strongly as kinky, youve got a lot of people. And each one has a constellation of people who care about him or her mothers and fathers, siblings and friends, children, spouses and co-workers.

If someone you love has a sexual kink, or if you suspect that she may, and you want to know more about what that means to her and how you can deal with what it means to you, this book is for you.

How did you get this book? Perhaps someone you care about gave it to you, hoping to help you understand more about his life. This person must trust you a lot. Many kinky people have had sad and bitter experiences with people turning away from them once their sexuality becomes known. The person who gave you this book is hoping you wont do that. He loves you enough that he wants you to know some very important facts about his life, and hes probably crossing his fingers right now hoping that youll still care about him after youve finished reading this.

Perhaps you bought this book yourself, because you know or suspect that someone you care about has a sexual kink. You may feel confused and ambivalent about whats going on in her life, maybe even worried about her safety or health, so you sought out this book as a way of helping you understand. Good for you!

Maybe you bought this book because you suspect that someone you care about has a kink, but youre not sure. Many kinky practices are rather trendy right now, so it can be hard to tell whether your friend or family member is just trying out a little kink chic as an experiment or for fun, or whether his kink is a long-term, deeply felt part of his central identity.

If you want to know, youll have to ask him and before he gives you a straight answer, hell have to trust that you wont become angry or upset or refuse to hear about unusual sexual practices. Showing him this book may help convince him that you want to hear about his life and that you can handle it. Maybe the two of you can read this book together.

No matter how you got this book, we want to reassure you of something very important. Your friend or relative is exactly the same person she was before you learned about her kink. All the things you love about her her generosity of spirit, her affection toward you, her humor and her courage and her infectious laugh are still just what they were before you found out about her sexual desires. Please keep that critically important fact in mind as you read on.

Who are we talking about? In this book, were going to address the friends and family of people whose sexual behaviors are outside the mainstream, but we wont focus directly on issues of sexual orientation (homosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality) or gender identity (male-ness, femaleness, somewhere-in-betweenness).

In other words, when we say kinky on the cover of this book, were not talking about what gender someone is or wants to be or wants to have sex with (although your kinky person may certainly also be gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgendered). There are already some excellent resources for the loved ones of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered folk; weve listed some in the Resource Guide of this book.

Were also not going to directly address the families and friends of sex workers (prostitutes and other people who work in the sex industry). Wed love to see such a book published, but, unfortunately, we dont have the expertise to write it ourselves.

So the kinds of kinky people well talk about here are people whose desires and/or behavior include fetishism, crossdressing, bondage, spanking, sadomasochism, dominance and submission, and erotic role-playing either occasionally or as a lifestyle. If youre feeling confused by these terms, unsure even what were talking about dont worry, well explain everything as we go.

You may be feeling terrified, your head full of scary pictures of leather and whips and activities that you might only have heard whispered about. Let us reassure you much of the far-out clothing and accessories you may have seen people wear are designed as turn-ons and recognition signals, but they can look pretty frightening to outsiders. None of the activities were discussing in this book are as scary as your imagination might make them seem. Please take a deep breath, relax, turn off that overactive imagination if you can, and let us try to give you a better explanation of whats going on.

Why do you need to know this? You probably dont tell your kinky friend or relative what you did in bed last night, so you may be wondering why its so important to him that you understand his sexual desires.