Kinky Friedman - Kinky Friedmans Guide to Texas Etiquett: Or How to Get to Heaven or Hell Without Going Through Dallas-Fort Worth

Anyone who has spent any time at all in the Lone Star State has seen, and possibly interacted with, the creature known as the Texas Big Hair. These women spend hours to attain the perfect altitude; their big hair techniques are as secret as family recipes and are often handed down from mother to daughter. Many non-Texans have tried to imitate the Texas Big Hair, but few have succeeded. An entire generation of heavy metal artists coveted the sheer majesty of the Texas Big Hair, but none was able to re-create it successfully in all its glory.

Fortunately for anyone reading this, I have become privy to an old family recipe for molding the perfect big hair, hair so big you would need KY jelly to wear a hat. Even the family cat will hiss at it. Be forewarned, however. This is not for amateurs. Make sure someone you trust is nearby just in case anything goes wrong.

INGREDIENTS

one case of hair spray, preferably Set and Spray lacquer (Aqua Net will do in a pinch)

one teasing comb, extra-large curlers (or you can use empty Coke cans)

a Styrofoam cup

one bag of bobby pins (at least 100)

one ponytail rubber band

a beehive hairnet if desired (available at drugstores and beauty supply shops)

Before you do anything, wash your hair, because its not going to get washed again for at least two weeks no matter which Big Hair style you choose.

BIG HAIR STYLE 1: THE BEEHIVE.

Carefully dry your hair. Put it back into a ponytail, tight against your head. Take the Styrofoam cup and place it on top of your head. Curl the ponytail around the cup and secure it using at least eighty-five bobby pins. Spray with the lacquer until the smoke alarm goes off.

BIG HAIR STYLE 2: THE B-52.

After washing your hair, rinse it with sugar water so it will dry stiffer. Take extra-large hair curlers (or empty Coke cans) and roll your hair with as many as you can fit on your head. Put enough spray on your hair so that you can actually feel the weight.

BIG HAIR STYLE 3: THE TEXAN

Take the teasing comb and back-comb all your hair until it looks like an electrified Persian cat. To tease your hair, grab a small section and hold it up by the end. Comb downward with the teasing comb in short fast strokes until it gets tangled at the bottom. Pull the teased hair up and out to achieve maximum altitude. Liberally apply the hair spray to hold the teased hair in place. If you can still see the walls, you havent sprayed enough. Spray more. All these styles must be taken care of while you sleep. Some women use the beehive hairnet; others use feather pillows to sleep upon; while still others sleep upright in the La-Z-Boy. Your mileage may vary. Just be careful not to put anyones eye out.

Once, long ago in the land of the Comanche, there was a great drought and famine and pestilence. The dancers danced to the sound of the drums and prayed for rain. They watched and waited for the healing rains, and danced again. No rains came.

Among the children of the tribe there was a small girl named She-Who-Is-Alone. She watched the dancers and held her warrior doll. Her doll wore beaded leggings and a headdress of brilliant blue feathers from the bird who cries jay-jay. She loved this doll very much. Her doll was the only thing she had left from the happy days before the great famine took her parents and grandparents from her.

As She-Who-Is-Alone sat and held her doll, the Shaman, or Wise Man, came to speak to the people. He told them that the Great Spirits were unhappy. He said that the people had been selfish, taking everything from the earth and giving nothing in return. He said that the people must make a sacrifice and must make a burnt offering of their most prized possession. The Shaman said the ashes of this offering should be scattered to the home of the Four WindsNorth, South, East, and West. When this sacrifice was made, the drought would cease. Life would be restored to the land.

The people talked among themselves. The warriors were sure it was not their bow that the Great Spirits wanted. The women knew it was not their special blanket. She-Who-Is-Alone looked at her doll, her most valued possession. She knew what the Great Spirits wanted and knew what she must do.

While everyone slept she took her warrior doll and one stick that burned from the tepee fire and made her way to the hill where the Shaman had spokenO Great Spirits, she called out, here is my warrior doll, the only thing I have left from happy days with my family. It is my most valued possession. Please accept it.

Then she made a fire and thrust her precious doll into it. When the flames died down, she scooped up a handful of ashes and scattered them to the Four WindsNorth, South, East, and West. Then, her cheeks wet with tears, she lay down and fell asleep.