Wallace O. Chariton - Texas Wit & Wisdom

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title	:	Texas Wit & Wisdom
author	:	Chariton, Wallace O.
publisher	:	Republic of Texas Press
isbn10 | asin	:	1556222572
print isbn13	:	9781556222573
ebook isbn13	:	9780585282374
language	:	English
subject	Texas--Humor, American wit and humor--Texas.
publication date	:	1990
lcc	:	F386.6.C48 1990eb
ddc	:	976.4/00207
subject	:	Texas--Humor, American wit and humor--Texas.

Page iii Texas Wit & Wisdom Wallace O. Chariton

Page iv Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Chariton, Wallace O. Texas wit and wisdom. 1. Texas Humor. 2. American wit and humor Texas. I. Title. F386.6.C48 1989 976.4'00207 89-24942 ISBN 1-55622-257-2 Copyright 1990, 1992, Wordware Publishing, Inc. All Rights Reserved 1506 Capital Avenue Plano, Texas 75074 No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from Wordware Publishing, Inc. Printed in the United States of America ISBN 1-55622-257-2 10 9 8 8910 All inquiries for volume purchases of this book should be addressed to Wordware Publishing, Inc. at the above address. Telephone inquiries may be made by calling: (214) 423-0090

Page v Contents Dedication vii Acknowledgments ix An Introductory Letter to Virginia xi 1 Texas and Texans Never ask a man where he's from. If he's from Texas he'll tell you; if he isn't, you don't want to embarrass him. 1 2 Don't Mess with Texas If you're messin' with Texas, you're messin' with a friend of mine. 25 3 Texas Weather Watch Only fools and newcomers predict Texas weather. 33 4 I'll Drink to That Mary had a little lamb, what'll you have? 41 5 Black Gold or Fools Gold? Texas oil, good to the last drop. 51 6 Law and Disorder Many Texas towns are too small to support one lawyer, but none are too small to support two lawyers. 65 7 Elected Humor Texas politics is proof you can fool all the people most of the time. 81

Page vi 8 Bible Thumpers and Pulpit Pounders If you live a good life, go to church, and always say your prayers, when you die you'll go to Texas. 97 9 Home on the Range There never has been a horse that can't be rode or a cowboy that can't be throwed. 109 10 Chicken Chronicles The lowly hen is immortal because her son never sets. 133 11 Aggie Jokes The Texas Wronghorns 141 12 Aggies Revenge Gig 'Em Aggies 163 13 Texas Sports Fight 'em till hell freezes over, then fight 'em on the ice. 171 14 Worm Drowning Some of the biggest fish in Texas are caught by the tale. 191 15 Signs of the Times Texans beware: we're watching the wrong river. 203 16 Parting Shots Texas, a state of mind and tongue 227 Answer Page 232

Page vii Dedication This book is dedicated to my good friend Glenn Raines, Jr., who is perhaps just perhaps the most honest used car salesman in Texas. That may explain why he always claims to be starving to death in the land of plenty. If you should ever decide to trade cars with Glenn, my advice is do it quick. I know a man who swears he once haggled with Glenn for half an hour trying to get a lower price. Glenn finally gave in and said, "All right, I'll lower my price $200." But then he added, "Of course while we've been standing here arguing your trade-in has depreciated $300."

Page ix Acknowledgements Since this book is a collection of Texas wit and wisdom, there are a lot of people who contributed either directly or indirectly. I would especially like to thank the following people who played a part whether they knew it or not. First, I'd like to acknowledge the inadvertent help of such famous people as Lyndon Johnson, John Nance Garner, Darrell Royal, Sam Houston, William B. Travis, Sam Rayburn, Billie Sol Estes, Hondo Crouch, Joe Barton, Gib Lewis, Dick Yawes, Tom Landry, John Wayne, John Randolph, Blaine Nye, Tommy Nobis, Judge Roy Bean, Jerry Jones, Jimmy Johnson, Randy Galloway, Dutch Meter, Texas E. Schramm, Clint Murchison, H. L. Hunt, Sid Richardson, Glen McCarthy, Walt Garrison, Don Meredith, Bobby Layne, Ma and Pa Ferguson, W. Lee "Pappy" O'Daniel, Jerry Jeff Walker, Joe Don Looney, Bouce House, J. Frank Dobie, Walter Prescot Webb, Jerry Glanville, former Governer Pat Neff, present Governor Bill Clements, and possible future Governor Ann Richards.

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