Jay B. Sauceda - Yall: The Definitive Guide to Being a Texan
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- Book:Yall: The Definitive Guide to Being a Texan
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- Publisher:Gibbs Smith
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The Lone Star state can seem like an enigma to those who have never had the pleasure of spending time there. Texans seem to walk differently, talk differently, and dress differently than any other people in the nation. Jay B Sauceda, a Texas native, understands the trouble that foreigners from New York to California have comprehendin their Texan neighbors. This funny and engaging primer on how to be a Texan will help you get a better handle on the unique Texas history, language, culture, customs, and dos and donts-whether youre movin there or just passin through.
Jay B. Sauceda: author's other books
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Jay B. Sauceda
Editors of Texas Monthly
Mindy Neff [Neff
T. R. Fehrenbach
Bartee Haile
Helen Bryant
Steven Jent
Bryan Woolley
Wallace O. Chariton
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Table of Contents
Guide
FirstEdition201918171654321Text2016JayBSaucedaPhotoandillustrationcreditsonpage200TexanPrideDonCaddenSangriaWinelyricsWarner/ChappellMusic,Inc.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedbyanymeanswhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionfromthepub-lisher,exceptbriefportionsquotedforpurposeofreview.PublishedbyGibbsSmithP.O.Box667Layton,Utah840411.800.835.4993orderswww.gibbs-smith.comDesignedbyCodyHaltomPrintedandboundinHongKongGibbsSmithbooksareprintedoneitherrecycled,100%post-consumerwaste,FSC-certiedpapersoronpaperproducedfromsustainablePEFC-certiedforest/controlledwoodsource.Learnmoreatwww.pefc.org.LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataSauceda,JayBYall:thedenitiveguidetobeingaTexan/JayBSauceda.--Firstedition.pagescmISBN978-1-4236-4062-21.Texas--Humor.I.Title.PN6231.T56S382016976.400207--dc232015034940ISBN13:978-1-4236-4062-2
TomywifePriscilla,whoinmyeyescandonowrong.
CHAPTER1Page10TEACHINTEXANCHAPTER2Page40TEXANTRAITSCHAPTER3Page64TALKINTEXANCHAPTER4Page90DRESSINTEXANCHAPTER5Page110TEXANTRADITIONSCHAPTER6Page132EATINTEXANCHAPTER7Page170DRIVINTEXAN
Texcellence
IfyourefromTexas,thisbookwillbearefreshercourseonhowtoachievethehighestlevelofTexcellencepossible.Ifyoureoneofthefolkswhomovedhererecentlyforourabundanceofgoodfood,beautifullandscapes,andtrafcjams,thenthisbookwillserveasa100percentaccurate*guidetoacclimatingtoourTexanwayoflife.BeinTexanisseriousbusiness,sogograbacoldbeerandstudyup.*Probablylike70percentaccurate.9
TEACHINTEXANSampleMaterial:TEXASPRIDELEARNABOUTFOREIGNERSSTATEEVERYTHINGPLEDGEOFALLEGIANCEACCEPTEDCURRENCYTEXASFLAGTEXASGOVERNMENTTIMELINESOFTEXASHISTORY
Texasisthenestportionoftheglobethathaseverblessedmyvision.SamHouston
AchievingtrueTexcellencerstrequiresabasicunderstandingofwhyyoushouldbeproudofTexasintherstplace.Inthischapter,wellcoversomeofthewhos,whats,whens,andwheresofTexaslifeandhistory.13TEACHINTEXAN
FOREIGNER(NOUN)FOR-EN-ERAnyperson,regardlessofrace,borninorcomingfromaplaceotherthanTexas.ThesestatesarenotTexas:AlabamaAlaskaArizonaArkansasCaliforniaColoradoConnecticutDelawareFloridaGeorgiaHawaiiIdahoIllinoisIndianaIowaKansasKentuckyLouisianaMaineMarylandMassachusettsMichiganMinnesotaMississippiMissouriMontanaNebraskaNevadaNewHampshireNewJerseyNewMexicoNewYorkNorthCarolinaNorthDakotaOhioOklahomaOregonPennsylvaniaRhodeIslandSouthCarolinaSouthDakotaTennesseeUtahVermontVirginiaWashingtonWestVirginiaWisconsinWyomingITSADVISABLETOROOTFORONEORMOREOFTHEFOLLOWING:DallasCowboysTexasRangersDallasMavericksDallasStarsHoustonTexansHoustonAstrosHoustonRocketsSanAntonioSpursPLACESWORTHVISITING:AlpineBattleshipTexasGrueneHallYourmomanddadonceinawhileWhataburgerAdentisteverysixmonthsGarnerStateParkSouthPadreIslandBigBendNationalParkLittleeldTheSelenaMemorialNOTABLEFAMOUSTEXANS:MatthewMcConaugheyBeyoncGaryBuseyJamieFoxxSelenaEvaLongoriaKaceyMusgravesPatrickSwayzeDimebagDarrellErykahBaduTheGuysfromZZTopMirandaLambertPLACESTEXASISBIGGERTHAN:FranceRhodeIslandUnitedKingdomCambodiaGermanyNewYorkNote:AlaskamaybebiggerthanTexas,butonlyacoupleofbearsandahandfulofsalmonlivethere,sowhatever.
Sometimesfolksfromforeignstatesmisunderstandourpride.Iguessifyouwerentraisedhereitshardtoseeourside.Itsaboutindependence,itsabouthonor,itsabouttheland.Itsaboutmakinyourownwayinlifeandbeingyourownman.OurforebearersstoodtallinGonzales,andansweredwhentyrantscameWithashotfromtheirlittlecannonlledwithhorseshoes,nails,andchain.MorningfogbrokeovertheGuadalupeandtheMexicansdemandedthegun.TheygotSarahDeWittsComeandTakeItagwavinproudlyinthesun.AndthosemenwhodiedattheAlamooutnumberedtwentytoone,Theyleftalegacyforustoliveuptothatspasseddownfromfathertoson.WasitlegendandmyththatTravisdrewthatlineintheTexassand?Wellthoselegendsandmythsremindusthattherecomesatimewhenyoutakeastand.ThesettlerswhocametoTexas,theyknewwhentheylefttheirhometheydchosenalifeofhardship,buttheywantedalifeoftheirown.Texaswasheavenformenanddogsandhellonhorsesandwomenit'ssaid.Nowourwomenareindependentandstrong,andbetterhorseshaventbeenbred.Icanttellyouwherewereheaded,thingsarechangingwaytoofast.Youngfolksarebecominhomogenized,Theyrelosingtouchwiththeirheritageandpast.YoucanonlyhopethatthereliessomewheredeepintheirsoulanemberstillaglowThatburstsintoamewhentheyhearGodBlessTexasorRemembertheAlamo.Oh,wemighttellawindyortwo,andsomefolksmightsaythatwebrag,Butyouknowyoucanraiseitanywhereonearthandtheyrecognizeourag.Sowhentheyscornorcondescend,speakup,setemstraight.BeproudthatyourefromTexas,thesovereignLoneStarState.DonCaddenAlpine,Texas15TEACHINTEXAN
HONORTHETEXASFLAG;IPLEDGEALLEGIANCETOTHEE,TEXAS,ONESTATEUNDERGOD,ONEANDINDIVISIBLE.PLEDGEoftotheALLEGIANCETEXASFLAGCHAPTER116
STATEEVERYTHINGBird:NorthernmockingbirdDog:BlueLacyMammal(large):TexaslonghornMammal(small):Nine-bandedarmadilloMammal(ying):Mexicanfree-tailedbatFish:GuadalupebassReptile:Texashornedlizard(akahornedfrog)Fiber:CottonFlower:TexasbluebonnetPlant:PricklypearcactusTree:PecanFruit:TexasredgrapefruitPepper:JalapeoDish:ChiliconcarneDinosaur:PleurocoelusShip:BattleshipTexasMolecule:BuckyballSport:RodeoReligion:FootballPastime:TellinstoriesthatareoverlyexaggeratedMarch2TexasIndependenceDayMarch6Thelastdayofthethirteen-daysiegeoftheAlamoMarch27ThemassacreatGoliadApril21SanJacintoDayJuly6GeorgeW.BushsbirthdayAugust27LyndonJohnsonsbirthdayCapitalAustin(akathebluedotintheredsea)AlthoughtheU.S.dollarisacceptedastheofcialformofcurrencyinTexas,tamales,beers,andmineralrightsarealsoconsideredlegaltenderformostdebts.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ACCEPTEDFORMSOFCURRENCY$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$17TEACHINTEXAN
THEGREATESTFLAGYOUVEEVERSEENThestateaghasaheight-to-lengthratiooftwotothree,andcontainsoneblueverticalstripethathasawidthequaltoone-thirdthelengthoftheag;twoequalhorizontalstripes,theupperstripewhite,thelowerstripered,eachhavingalengthequaltotwo-thirdsthelengthoftheag;andonewhite,regular,ve-pointedstarlocatedinthecenterofthebluestripe,orientedsothatonepointfacesupwardandsizedsothatthediameterofacirclepassingthroughthevepointsofthestarisequaltothree-fourthsthewidthofthebluestripe.DIMENSIONSOFTHEPERFECTFLAGDr.CharlesB.Stewart,creditedwiththerstdrawingofthegreatestageverTheTexasag,alsoknownastheLoneStarag,wasvotedonbythecongressoftheRepublicofTexasinDecember1836andwasofciallyadoptedasthenationalagofTexasonJanuary25,1839.REJECTEDTEXASFLAGIDEASItsalittle-knownfactthatSamHoustonslittlebrother,ToddHouston,hadjustquithisjobtopursueacareeringraphicdesignwhenthenewrepublicwasinneedofaag.Thesewerethreedesignsthathesubmittedthatwereultimatelyturneddown.CHAPTER118
HORIZONTALLYVERTICALLYYUP!NOPE!YUP!NOPE!NOPE!BELIEVEITORNOT,THERESARIGHTWAYANDAWRONGWAYTODISPLAYTHETEXASFLAG.FOLLOWTHESESIMPLEGUIDELINESTOMAKESUREYOUREALWAYSSTAYINLEGAL,YALL.FLAGFLYINRULESYoucanyaag24/7,butifitsdarkoutside,youvegottamakesureitslitupsomehow.Whenyouraiseitupapole,makesureitmovesfasterthansmalltowngossip.Whenyourelowerinit,makesuretodososlowerthanfrozenmolasses.WhenonthesamepoleastheAmericanag,theTexasaggoesbelowit.Whenontwopolesnexttooneanother,theTexasagshouldyashighastheAmericanag.Respecttheaganddealwithpeoplewhodontaccordingly.
SYSTEMOFMEASUREMENTGENERALLYSPEAKING,DISTANCEISMEASUREDINDidYouKnow?AVARAISAUNITOFLINEARMEASURE,FORMERLYUSEDINLATINAMERICAANDTEXAS,EQUALTOABOUT33INCHES(84CM.)LANDSCAPETotalAreaTexascomprises268,820squaremilesofland,rivers,andlakes,makingitthelargestplanetinthesolarsystem.MilesofRoadTexashasroughly79,000milesofroadsincludingfarm-to-marketroads,highways,andinterstateswhichistheequivalentofcirclingtheEarthaboutthreetimes.Ifyoudrovethatdistance,youdundoubtedlyneedmorethanafewbathroombreaksandstopsatBuc-ees.Length790miles(9.8hourstraveltime).Width773miles(9.6hourstraveltime).NumberofLakesOver6,000.NumberofNaturalLakes1(CaddoLake).
AverageTemperatureTHECLIMATERANGESBETWEENSMOLDERINGANDSURFACEOFTHESUNLISTOFEXPORTSMAJORCITIESANDPOPULATIONCENTERS(WITHPOPULATIONFIGURESAPPROXIMATEASOF2013)Houston2.1million(fourthlargestintheUnitedStates)SanAntonio1.4millionRioGrandeValley(RGV)1.3millionDallas1.2millionAustin885thousandFortWorth792thousandElPaso674thousandCorpusChristi316thousandMidland-Odessa296thousandLubbock240thousandEGOSTEXASPRIDEOILPEOPLEWHOCANTSTANDTHEHEATCOTTONTORTILLACHIPSAUTHENTICCOUNTRYMUSICHOUSTONRAPTHICKACCENTSBELTBUCKLESTALLTALESWINESECRETTEXANOPERATIVESFORFUTURETEXASWORLDDOMINATIONTEXASTEA,BLACKGOLD21TEACHINTEXAN
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