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You dont just move here and immediately become a Texan; it takes training. This delightfully witty book takes you through the process of understanding our conversation, why and how we dress the way we do, why pickups are a fact of life, and how you can acquire the necessary big hair. Fixin to Be Texan pokes gentle fun at the Texas mystique. Residents of the state will get a big kick out of Bryants clever way of identifying our predominant characteristics. Newcomers will use it as a tool for understanding the wonderful and sometimes incomprehensible behavior of our fine native population.
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Texas--Description and travel--Miscellanea, Texas--Social life and customs--Miscellanea, Texas--Description and travel--Humor, Texas--Social life and customs--Humor.
publication date
:
1999
lcc
:
F391.2.B79 1999eb
ddc
:
976.4
subject
:
Texas--Description and travel--Miscellanea, Texas--Social life and customs--Miscellanea, Texas--Description and travel--Humor, Texas--Social life and customs--Humor.
Page i
Fixin' to Be Texan
Helen Bryant
Illustrations by Chris Smith
Page ii
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bryant, Helen. Fixin' to be Texan / Helen Bryant. p. cm. ISBN 1-55622-648-9 (pbk.) 1. TexasDescription and travelMiscellanea. 2. TexasSocial life and customsMiscellanea. 3. TexasDescription and travel Humor. 4. TexasSocial life and customsHumor. I. Title. F391.2.B79 1998 976.4dc21 98-37934 CIP
1999, Helen Bryant
All Rights Reserved
Republic of Texas Press is an imprint of Wordware Publishing, Inc. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from Wordware Publishing, Inc.
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN 1-55622-648-9 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 9809
All inquiries for volume purchases of this book should be addressed to Wordware Publishing, Inc., at 2320 Los Rios Boulevard, Plano, Texas 75074. Telephone inquiries may be made by calling:
(972) 423-0090
Page iii
Contents
Introduction
v
Chapter One: You Are Here
1
Chapter Two: Yo, Bubba!
23
Chapter Three: Talkin' the Talk
33
Chapter Four: Walkin' the Walk
51
Chapter Five: Your Truck
61
Chapter Six: Your Wife and Your Dog
75
Chapter Seven: Eatin' and Drankin'
91
Chapter Eight: Gettin' Mad and Gettin' Even
107
Chapter Nine: Texas Big Hair
117
Chapter Ten: Dressin' Texan
133
Chapter Eleven: Varmints and Other Living Things
145
Chapter Twelve: So You Want to Be a Cowboy
161
Chapter Thirteen: School Daze
177
Chapter Fourteen: Sports in Texas
189
Chapter Fifteen: Rah, Rah, Rah
211
The Test
221
The Answers
227
Page iv
This book is dedicated to my husband, John Anders: The best Texan there is.
Page v
Introduction
It's hell living with a woman who's funnier than you are. Particularly when you both write columns for the same newspaper.
But each man must bear his private sorrows with equanimity and dignity.
Now take my wife's bookplease.
Herein is a virtual primer for talking the talk and walking the walk, even when the walk is falling-down funny. The shameful fact is, Helen knows us like a book. After 15 years in this state, this womana native Virginianhas earned her spurs. In her heart and soul she's as Texan as a bone-in rib eye, a mess of collard greens, and a bowl of black-eyed peas.
Speaking of which, Helen made a rare social gaffe upon first meeting my relatives some years ago. When the conversation turned to food, one of my aunts wanted to know if Helen was partial to peas.
"I love 'em," Helen chimed obligingly.
"What kind in particular, hon?"
"Oh," said Helen, "you know. The green kind... regular peas."
My family looked blankly at her and fell into silence.
Soon after, I saw to it that my intended became aware of the proud variance of Texas peas.
Page vi
Today, she can tell a black-eye from a purple hull at ten paces, with or without "snaps." She'll feast on delicate lady cream peas or the hearty big-boy crowder but won't turn her nose up at a mess of field peas or even the humble cow pea. She's been an eager convert. No wonder she's a longtime judge of the Black-Eyed Pea Jamboree in Athens (Texas, not Greece).
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