Sonja Schwartzbach - Oh Sh*t, I Almost Killed You!: A Little Book of Big Things Nursing School Forgot to Teach You

Oh Sh*t, I Almost Killed You!

A Little Book of Big Things

Nursing School Forgot to Teach You

By Sonja M. Schwartzbach, BSN, RN, CCRN

Oh Shit, I Almost Killed You!

A Little Book of Big Things Nursing School Forgot to Teach You

ISBN 978-0-692-83869-3

Copyright 2017

Sonja M. Schwartzbach, BSN, RN, CCRN

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for the inclusion of brief quotations for review, without permission from the author/publisher. Some identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions,

whether such errors or omissions result from negligence,

accident, or any other cause.

Cover design and production by JM Group, www.jmmre.com

Author and cover photography by Krissy Breece

Photography , www.krissybreecephotography.com

Joseph,

Im sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

I love you to the stars.

xo,

Big Spoon

FOREWORD

A totally honest book and a must read for every new nurse and seasoned ones too! For the new nurse, get ready as you just won the lottery! Nurse Sonja offers an engaging look at the world of nursing and how to overcome and survive its myriad of challenges. She will give you emotional guidance and mental peace as she relates the world of nursing through your eyes and mind. Sonja will be your inner therapist as you voyage through the chapters of the world of nursing all wrapped up with a great big bear hug!

For the seasoned nurse, remember what it is like to be new and get a clearer picture of the importance you play in the neophyte nurses travels through the fast-paced, highly technical hospital setting. Understanding the frustrations and being sensitive to the new nurses perceptions will help for a smooth transition into one becoming an experienced and competent nurse. Whether you seek inspiration, advice or a laugh on every page this book is for you with a two-fold purpose. Its a journey from the beginning of your nursing career and every aspect within. Follow the Yellow Brick Road with Sonja! Come along for the ride, she will guide you through your emotional spectrum, for you are not alone!

Secondly, this book offers practical advice for dealing with a range of emotions. Sonja serves as your mental coach, an inner voice along the way. She is your get you through the day guru; your mental mentor; and your professional cheerleader! She will inspire you, and offer support and encouragement on your nursing journey!

Being a Nurse Means

You will never be bored.
You will always be frustrated.
You will be surrounded by challenges.
So much to do and so little time.
You will carry immense responsibility
and very little authority.
You will step into peoples lives
and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you.
Some will curse you.
You will see people at their worst
and at their best.
You will never cease to be amazed
at peoples capacity for
love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs
and devastating failures.
You will cry a lot.
You will laugh a lot.
You will know what it is to be human
and to be humane.

Melodie Chenevert, RN

I cant wait for you to read this inspiring book

as it is an asset to professionals

stepping foot into a new environment!

Good luck to you!

Much success in your new life as a nurse!

Laura Gasparis Vonfrolio RN, PhD

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

This is the very last piece of my book, and the part where I immediately start to panic. While I want to express gratitude to every single person in my life who has touched me in some way (figuratively, I think), I understand one very crucial detail: this book isnt f*cking War and Peace . Its not some work of literary genius, nor is it going to ever revolutionize mankind. BUT, it is, indeed, my baby and while your first child may cause you the most grief, it is also usually your favorite. This nursey non-fiction lovechild could never have been conceived without some incredibly important people in my life. First and foremost, I thank Dr. Laura Gasparis Vonfrolio for being my nursing Fairy Godmother and turning my manuscript into reality. I extend gratitude to Mr. Jack Berens and JM Group team for web design and creative expertise; Mrs. Krissy Breece for making photo magic despite frigid temperatures; Mr. Daniel Boudwin, Esq. for his legal know-how; and Ms. Sehr Thadhani, marketing genius extraordinaire.

On a more personal front, I would never have had the courage to press forward throughout brain farts and writers blocks without the support of my cheerleading parents and in-laws; my brilliant sisters; my supportive colleagues; and my amazing friends. I have been blessed to give, learn, and grow with a deliciously dysfunctional group of clinical dynamos, without whom I could never evolve into the potty-mouthed ICU nurse that I am today. And as for my husband? He is the ground while I live with my head in the clouds. I thank him for the countless loads of laundry and encouraging forehead kisses that landed just as I needed them.

Finally: to my readers, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. Every note, comment, and email inspired me to bring this idea to reality. I cannot thank you enough for validating what I dowhat we doeven when especially if its off the beaten path.

xo

Sonja

The Ten New Nurse Commandments

1) Thou shalt not forget to drinketh coffee before your shift, pee during your shift, and find a way to relax after your shift.

2) Thou shalt document it, for it has been done.

3) Thou shalt honor thy medications and the six rights of administration. ( Six? Hold on, there are SIX rights now? Was five not enough?! Whatever. Right drug. Right dose. Right route. Right time. Right patient. Right documentation see commandment two above ).

4) Thou shalt compress hard and compress fast; push the Epi every three to five minutes; and only shocketh a shockable rhythm.

5) Thou shalt give thy Colace, for impaction is a sin.

6) Thou shalt pay homage to the holy nursing trinity: Ativan, Haldol, and Propofol.

7) Thou shalt sleep between shifts, even if only for a few hours.

8) Thou shalt wash thy hands before you enter, after you exit, and between patient care.

9) Thou shalt scrub thy hub.

10) Thou shalt treat nurses and colleagues the way you want to be treated, even when others speaketh like assholes.

PART I

OH SHIT! IM A NURSE NOW!

Corporate Sucker to Candy Striper

I was totally freaking clueless. I sat on a cold NJ Transit train, stalled once again between Newark and Secaucus, feeling sorry for myself and the cards life had dealt. My corporate job sucked, and every day that I left the office I felt a piece of my twenty-three year old soul grow further disengaged. After a particularly bad day one that, in hindsight, was more likely contrived of a marketing disaster and a Blackberry emergency than anything that was actually meaningful I pulled out a scrap of paper and started to doodle my thoughts. Id made a habit of writing to work through whatever I was thinking. From to-do lists to existential musings, I have always solved my problems by throwing them onto a notepad or a cocktail napkin to see what sticks.

So I sat there in uncomfortable silence, crammed between two ornery commuters during the height of rush hour, and allowed my mind to explore my options. Though my original plan had been to work for my media firm and attend law school, I quickly became distressed in finding this plan totally sucked at least for me, it did. I had already become bored, felt shallow, and was itching to change directions in order to achieve something that could affect the greater good. I was far too social to win a Nobel Prize in astronomy or physics, and I liked food too much and cursed too often to go the Gandhi route. What could I do? Where could I go? How could I serve humanity, feed my soul, and oh by the way pay my bills while doing it?