Ray Arata - Showing Up: How Men Can Become Effective Allies in the Workplace

More Praise for
Showing Up

Showing Up is a critical and timely book that inspires men to stand up for gender and racial justice on the job. Ray Arata makes a compelling case that men care deeply about good leadership and equality in the workplace, and Showing Up is the how to manual for how they can intervene in ways that make them better men. This book is a must-read for corporate leaders and any man who wants to live up to his potential as an ally and a leader who can shift the worldone workplace at a time.

Jennifer Siebel Newsom , filmmaker and founder of The Representation Project

As men, were trained to split ourselves in two: the rational worker in public, the emotional human at home. What a losson both sides of the equation. Ray Aratas great gift is that he can help men connect heads and hearts, passion and productivity. Read this book, and let him show you how to be more present at work and in life!

Michael Kimmel , author of Angry White Men: American Masculinity at the End of an Era

In a historical moment when men are called to be and must show up as allies, Arata provides a clear roadmap for what that takes. His approach is brutally honest, self-reflective, and direct. Showing Up is a must-read for men on this journey, and for all those who want to call men in as true allies.

Gary Barker , PhD, Cofounder and CEO, Promundo-US

What Diversity, Equity, and Inclusivity Professionals Are Saying

Showing Up packs a punch on the reality of male allyship in the workplace. Equally as important, it shines amazing insights on the importance of including the most influential groupstraight, white menin a discussion in which they are often left outdiversity. Arata homes in with practical strategies to engage, build trust, and strengthen your approach to creating great workplaces through allyship.

Carin Taylor , Chief Diversity Officer of Workday

Diversity, equity, and inclusion leaders understand how critical it is to have everyone, especially men, engaged in the work of creating an inclusive workplace (organization, society!) where all people can thrive. The challenge is making the space for men to truly connect, reflect, and then eventually actone that doesnt also cast shame, blame, and do more harm than good. Showing Up explores healthy masculinity through Ray Aratas inimitable voice to create that space. Its a must-read for practitioners to then share with the men in their lives and organizations.

Cristina Santos , Head of Diversity & Inclusion and Equal Employment Opportunity, North America, Sanofi

Ray Arata is an award-winning and devoted ally and extraordinary role model for other men, bringing understanding of human needs, knowledge of behavioral change, and a huge vision for inclusionary leadership and organizations.

Amy Logan , former President, US National Committee for UN Women San Francisco Bay Area; Founder and CEO, Inclusion Innovation

Copyright 2022 by Ray Arata

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever.

For more information, email

Diversion Books

A division of Diversion Publishing Corp.

www.diversionbooks.com

First Diversion Books edition, January 2022

Paperback ISBN: 9781635769111

eBook ISBN: 9781635769104

Cover design by Libby Kingsbury.

Interior design by Neuwirth & Associates

Printed in The United States of America

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Library of Congress cataloging-in-publication data is available on file

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Why Should I Care?

When it comes to gender equality, equal pay, equity, and equal opportunities, a growing number of men are stepping up as allies to support women and often excluded groups. And a large number of men are not. Why is that?

Many people assume men dont care. If men did care, then theyd act differently, right? Im here to tell youbased on my experience working with men over twenty yearsthat most men do care.

They care deeply about their families, the women in their life; about being successful, respected, the best they can be as leaders.

But its also true that most men arent in touch with the experiences of women and underrepresented people who face significant challenges. This means men dont always know the best ways in which to show they carein particular, the ways that matter to those around them.

This was my own experience, which caused me to go through life hurting the people I cared for most. I always saw myself as a good man, yet I was still not being the ally I should have been to those around me. I wasnt in touch with (nor interested in) how others experienced me. I wasnt awake yet. It wasnt until I became aware of my behavior and its impact on others that I was led to ask myself: Is this the kind of man I want to be?

If youre a man reading this, you may relate. If youre not, Im going to bet you have a man in your life who reminds you of the one I just described. That man was the old me.

My Own Story: Becoming a Better Man

In the winter of 1999, my family had just moved into a newly renovated house in Marin County, California, as the stock market was climbing. The financial services industry, in which I worked, was booming. Everything felt good.

That is, until my wife came to me early one morning to share something. I hadnt been listening to what she had been trying to tell me, she explained. And what she had been trying to tell me was that my behavior and our relationship werent working for her anymore. At the time, I was so absorbed in my own notions of what it meant to be a man, a husband, and a father that I couldnt hear her. Additionally, I didnt think anything was wrong. From my point of view, I was providing for my family, I wasnt suffering from any addiction, and I was faithful to her. I was grossly unaware of the impact of my behavior on the most important woman in my lifemy wife and mother of my children.

Over time, shed had enough of my seemingly small actionsexpecting the house to be clean when I got home (it was her job after all, wasnt it?), saying one thing and doing another (effectively breaking my word), and not centering my attention on what she needed (because it was all about me). I had no clue what it meant to be accountable. My emotional range was limited to anger, expressed through raising my voice and speaking with the same condescension that Id heard my father use when I was growing up.

Despite numerous attempts on her part to let me know, I missed the cues until she spelled it out bluntly: She didnt love me anymore. She wanted out of our marriage.

Hearing this was beyond painful, and it also pointed to a bigger issueI didnt have the tools or training to navigate this. No man in my life had ever modeled emotional literacy for me. So, I did what most men do. I stuffed my emotions down deep and tried to pretend everything was okay. But, predictably, that only made it worse. As a last-ditch effort, I attempted to make promises to her, the kinds of things I thought she wanted to hear. I tried to charm my way out, express remorseall of my old tricks. But there was no talking my way out of it this time. She had decided.