Mark Thomas - Mark Thomas Presents the Peoples Manifesto

MARK
THOMAS

PRESENTS

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Published in 2010 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing A Random House Group Company

Copyright Mark Thomas 2010

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This Manifesto started as a live show, and the idea for the show was simple. At the beginning of 2009 we were in the middle of an economic crisis. Banks and countries collapsed catastrophically, costing us 1.3 trillion, which we paid to the very people who caused the problem in the first place, while an illiberal and reactionary Labour government twitched in its death throes and an illiberal and reactionary Tory Party waited for their moment. The words creek, without and paddle seemed to keep cropping up. So the plan was this: I would ask my audiences round the country for their ideas and policies to get us out of the creek, in the sure knowledge that most people think they could run the country better than any government and would be happy to share their opinions.

Each audience was given forms and asked for their policy ideas, grand or small, to change the world. The campaigning group NO2ID kindly organised volunteers to collect the suggestions and deliver them to me backstage, where each night I would read every one, weed out the doubles, put those that needed professional help to one side, and try to make sense of the rest.

Then, clutching 60 to 80 bits of paper, I launched myself onstage to discuss the policies, and each night the audience voted for their favourite idea; this was conducted using the advanced scientific method of who shouts loudest. Its not the most rigorous method but I never needed to call on UN monitors, as the audience left me in no doubt if they thought I had not reflected their wishes.

Ideas were often specific to the areaHull, for example, wanted to abolish the Humber toll bridge. In Norfolk they wanted more feral chicken roundabouts to calm traffic. (There is already a feral chicken roundabout on the A142 at the Bungay and Ditchingham bypass where wild birds have lived and bred for over 50 years. Locals believe that drivers slow down at the roundabout so they dont hit the chickens crossing the road. This, I was assured, was Normal for Norfolk.)

Not every idea was grand. Some policies definitely focused on the small vexations of life:

Everyone has the right to use a product without having to reference a user manual.

Mayonnaise should not be used as a moisturiser for sandwiches. It has no nutritional value and is the work of the devil, whose real name is Hell Man. Ban TV programmes about cooking, houses and meerkats.

The word fuck should be included in the automatic text/dictionary on mobile phones.

Ban golf umbrellas in cities.

Some of the policies fixated on celebrities, and although I am sure Jeremy Clarkson doesnt care what my audiences think of him, he should worry just a little bit in case any of them actually try and enact their suggestions. Each night produced a handful of what became known as celebrity death suggestions but my favourite concerned Noel Edmonds. It simply read:

Noel Edmonds should be publicly beheaded and his severed head placed in one of 22 sealed red boxes.

Unsurprisingly many policies reflected public anger at bankers and MPs, but 4x4 drivers featured a lot too:

4x4 drivers should be forced to drive everywhere off-road, even to Sainsburys.

4x4 drivers should be forced to drive their vehicle sitting on the roof in a deckchair with a long steering column.

Anyone with a 4x4 in a city must also volunteer for the nearest mountain rescue service.

As did the Olympics:

To save money and the environment, instead of the Olympics being held in one country, people could run around in circles in their own country at the same time.

The Olympics are too costly and will really cripple our economy for little return. Why not give them to the French?

As we are paying for them, any British citizen should be eligible to enter any of the Olympic events.

Every night there would be ideas that genuinely took me, and most of the audience, by surprise. One chap in Leicester wrote:

Everything in supermarkets should be stacked in alphabetical order.

Pondering a world where Hovis would be found next to Hobnobs or coffee next to cotton wool, I congratulated this chap, saying that I thought his policy was very funny. He fixed me firmly with a glare and said, Its not funny, its serious. I cant find anything.

Not all the policies voted through were ones I agreed with, and some nights I found myself at odds with the proposers and indeed the audience. In Darlington the policy that won that evening was: Institute the Sky test on benefit claimants, so if you suck on the teat of Murdoch, no benefits for you. Basically, if you are unemployed and have Sky, you get your benefits cut. I said to the chap who proposed it, You cant tell people on the dole what to do with their dole money. I work in the benefits office, he replied, and I can tell you now that a basic Murdoch Sky package is about 4 a week. Jobseekers Allowance is 64.30. So if you are unemployed and have Sky, that is a subsidy of the Murdoch empire from the taxpayer via the unemployed at a rate of over 6 per cent of their benefit a week. Staggered by his precision, I replied, Well, I still dont think you should tell people how to spend their dole money. But, he said with a grin, if you campaign on this and are even halfway successful, you will force the