Dr. Ronn Elmore - How to Love a Black Man

HOW TO LOVE A BLACK MAN. Copyright 1996 by Dr. Ronn Elmore.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.

Hachette Book Group

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New York, NY 10017

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First eBook Edition: March 2010

ISBN: 978-0-7595-2087-5

An outstanding sourcebook. Provides great insight into what makes a Black man tick and the way straight to his heart and soul. Cuts to the chase and offers sound advice.

David Coleman, radios The Dating Doctor and author of101 Great Dates

A book that should be read by every Black person. It provides strategies for creating strong Black unions. And as we all know, strong Black unions will produce a strong Black future.

Eric V. Copage, author ofBlack Pearls: Daily Meditations and Inspirations for African-Americans

Weve been waiting for this for too long. For all women who want to know HOW TO LOVE A BLACK MAN, Dr. Ronn Elmore clears away the myths and barriers. We can do it!

Terrie Williams, president and founder of the Terrie Williams Agency and author ofThe Personal Touch

I wish Id had this book years ago but Im glad to be able to use it now.

Janet Cheatham Bell, author ofVictory of the SpiritandFamous Black Quotations

Upbeat advice. general tips about understanding Black men and demystifying the process of loving them.

Publishers Weekly

A must read for every Black womanand manwho is in love. In a style that is both readable and relatable, Dr. Elmore offers help for Black men, hope for women who love them, and healing for relationships wounded and weakened by a lack of insights into the complexities of the Black male.

Bishop Kenneth C. Ulmer, Ph.D.

RONN ELMORE, Psy.D., is a psychotherapist as well as an ordained minister. In addition to heading the Relationship Clinic in southern California, Dr. Elmore conducts seminars before thousands of people each year, speaking on subjects related to love, marriage, family, and African-American males.

He appears as a relationships expert on radio and television across the country. Dr. Elmore lives with his wife and children in Los Angeles.

To Aladrian, my wife, my treasure

M y dream was to have a literary agent who would be as enthusiastic about this book as I. I pictured her to be a writer who could challenge my work, a reader who could understand my ideas, and a business partner with savvy to spare. Marlene Connor is proof-positive that dreams really can come true. I appreciate you deeply.

To my editor, Colleen Kapklein, who consistently offered me a unique blend of gentle sensitivity, razor-sharp insights and dead-on-target suggestions. I am a better communicator and this is a better book because of you.

Diana Baroni, Fred Chase, and especially Tammy Nichols added polish to the manuscript, making it truly shine. I am very grateful.

Special thanks to LaVerne Powlis Tolbert, my friend, former colleague, and writing mentor. When I was content to only stand and speak my thoughts, you demanded I sit down, shut up and write themand you stood by to encourage me when I did. Were it not for you this book would not have been written.

Many thanks to my friend and brother, Charles Brooks, who often eased the pain of my frequent bouts with writers block by his prayers, outrageous humor, and his generosity in providing me a quiet place to write.

I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Raedorah Dodd who patiently typed and retyped my drafts, then guided me from the era of scribbled notes on yellow legal pads into the computer age. You did it all with your characteristic creativity, and amazing grace under pressure. You are all I could ever hope for in an administrative assistant.

Sincere thanks to Isidra Person-Lynn of KACE Radio in Los Angeles, who dubbed me the Relationship Doctor, put me on the air, giving me instant access to thousands who wanted help to strengthen their relationships, but might never make it to my counseling office.

To Bishop Kenneth C. Ulmer, and to my pastor, Juanda Green-Peters, whose unceasing love and encouragement continue to nourish and sustain me.

My parents, the Rev. A. J. and Ann Elmore, my brothers, Alvin, Gordon, and Larry, as well as my in-laws, the Rev. Joseph and Elizabeth Slade, have generously poured their love into my life. Neither my tongue nor pen could adequately express my appreciation to all of you for your special support and encouragement as I wrote this book.

There is no way I could have written knowledgeably and practically on love relationships with Black men, if it were not for my therapy clients and what working with them has taught me. Their lives, struggles, courage and their hope are the reasons for this book.

My children, Corinn, Christina, and Cory, are the delights of my life. You tolerated the rigors of my schedule and the special demands (and absences) that were a regular part of the writing process, and you did it with a kind of sweetness and caring that often overwhelmed me.

Thank you, or any of its most lavish synonyms, could not do justice in expressing my gratitude to my wife, Aladrian. For every night you went to bed alone, suffering the sounds of my pecking at the computer, for saying, Yes you can with your eyes, when my heart said, No I cant. For keeping my secrets and sharing my life; I am touched, I am honored, I am immensely thankful. Your way of loving this Black man is just what this book is all about.

Finally, to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave me the idea, the ability, and the words to write this book. That You are honored by this offering is my hearts desire.

H ave you found relationships with Black men to be mostly romantic, intimate, and mutually satisfying? Or complicated, mysterious, and frustrating? Whichever may be the case, this book has been written for you. Act on the practical advice offered here, and you will experience much more of the former, and much less of the latter. Period.

An extravagant promise? Certainly. But true nonetheless if you are anything like the countless women I have met through my counseling practice, seminars, and on radio and television talk shows where I have discussed Black men and the women who love them. No doubt your experience with them has confirmed that Black men are neither exalted deities to be worshipped, nor hopeless bundles of defects to be discarded. You are aware that neither view is in keeping with reality. Neither helpshim or you.

You already love Black men, and you plan to continue. Yet too often you have found that loving them has left you baffled, scratching your head, pondering lots of unanswered questions. You love Black men, but you cant swear that you always understand them.

You have rightly assumed that if you understood him better, you could love him better, and both of you could find deeper satisfaction.

When I say love, Im talking about a well-balanced and deliberate heart commitment to another person, one that is demonstrated by action. Action that benefits your partner without discounting yourself. Action that is sensitive, creative, and meaningful, without being self-devaluing, manipulative, or excessively self-protective.