Terry Ravenscroft - The Razzamatazz Fun eBook

VOICE OVER:

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise; its five-year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations, to wear short sweatshirts that go baggy at the waist....to boldly go where no man has gone before.

GRAMS: STAR TREK THEME.

KIRK:

Captains log. Star date 2843612......and a bit. We will shortly be landing on the planet Pundit, a world of which we know nothing. However my ever dependable First Officer Mr Spock has put his uncannily logical mind to work and come up with the theory that as the word pundit comes from the sub-continent of India it will be populated by Indians. However hes not too sure about cowboys. Last week, despite our every precaution, the Enterprises mission was once again interrupted by a radio show. Subsequently I informed Federation HQ and they have taken appropriate action. We are now....

SOUND EFFECTS: THE ENTERPRISE COLLIDING WITH A RADIO SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT. LOTS OF WEIRD SOUND EFFECTS. SHOUTS AND SCREAMS FROM THE CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE.

KIRK:

Mr Sulu, what is the cause of this?

SULU:

I dont know, Captain. We seem to have collided with a radio sound effects department.

KIRK:

Impossible, we are millions of miles from Earth and.....

UHURA:

Look, Captain - floating in through the Enterprises ventilation system!

SULU:

It...it appears to be some sort of strange-looking liquid.

UHURA:

What shall we do Captain? The bridge is already a foot deep in the strange-looking liquid.

KIRK:
Bones, an analysis of the strange-looking liquid?

BONES:

Organic, water-based - the water being H2O if Im not mistaken - and containing particles of meat and vegetable matter, also grains of barley.

SPOCK:

Water, meat, vegetables, barley - do you realise what this means, Jim?

KIRK:

You dont mean....?

SPOCK:
Yes....The Broth of Khan!

ALL: GASPS OF HORROR.

UHURA:

And look, Captain, theres another sort of liquid seeping through the roof. But this one is a clear meat soup.

KIRK:

Mr Spock, a resum.

SPOCK:

No Jim, its a consomm.

KIRK:

Spock?

SPOCK:
Jim?

KIRK
Dont be such a prat.

SULU:

The Broth of Khan is now two feet deep and still rising, Captain Kirk!

KIRK:

Thank you, Mr Sulu. Mr Spock, what would you say are our chances of survival?

SPOCK:

That depends. You will have noticed that the broth, in addition to the other ingredients, also contains little pasta letters of the alphabet which have formed themselves into meaningless words - words which I have put into this food mincer and am now about to switch on.

KIRK:

Dont mince words, Spock.

SPOCK:

I must, Jim....but...strangely, I dont know why. It is as though some strange force is compelling me to.

UHURA:

Look Captain, coming in with the broth now - loaves of bread!

KIRK:

Bones I want a detailed chemical breakdown of one of the loaves of bread immediately.

BONES:

I have already taken the liberty of analyzing one, Jim. And although it contains what we have come to accept as being the elements of a loaf it is not loaf as we know it.

KIRK:

Lieutenant Uhura, inform Federation HQ of our plight immediately.

UHURA:

Ive already attempted to Captain, but all the command frequencies Ive tried keep getting blocked by what seems to be a conserve of sugar and fruit which has been boiled up together.

KIRK:

A conserve of sugar and fruit which has been boiled up together? You dont mean....?

UHURA:

Yes - someones jamming my frequencies.

KIRK:

In that case youd better....

SPOCK:

Jamming your frequencies? Of course, so thats it! Ive just realised whats happening, Jim. And the true nature of the planet Pundit.

KIRK:

Then brief me without delay, Spock.

SPOCK:

At once. Briefing you now, Jim.

KIRK:

Spock, why are you putting those ladies briefs on me?

SPOCK:

I cant help myself, Jim. Its another pun you see.

KIRK:

Another pun?

SPOCK:

Thats right. You see I was wrong about the meaning of the word Pundit. For it has now become clear to me that it is the pun that is the operative part. And because we have entered the atmosphere of the planet Pundit it has caused us all to make the most frightful puns.

KIRK:

But....but if this is true Spock it could jeopardise our entire dialogue.

UHURA:

Captain! Two of the inhabitants of the planet Pundit are trying to board the Enterprise! Theyre covered in hardy climbing leguminous green plants whose seeds grow in pods and are used as food.

KIRK:

Covered in hardy climbing leguminous green plants? You dont mean....?

UHURA:

Yes - they come in peas.

KIRK:

They come in peas ? That must be the worst pun Ive ever heard in my life.

SPOCK:

The puns wont get any worse than that unless Im very much mistaken, Jim.

SULU:

Captain, I have to report that the right side of the rear of the Enterprise is completely covered in condoms.

KIRK:

You dont mean....?

SULU:

Yes - theres Klingons on the starboard bow.

SPOCK

I was very much mistaken. So I....

KIRK:

Fortunately it matters not Spock, for we are all but five minutes into our mission.

SPOCK:

Jim?

KIRK:

You see Spock, as we keep getting interrupted by a radio show five minutes into our mission Federation HQ have decreed that in future all our missions will be of five minutes duration only, thus defeating....

SPOCK:

Yes? Go on, Jim.

KIRK:

Thats it. Were finished. Our five minutes are up, our mission is over.

SPOCK:

But our mission isnt over, is it; we havent been interrupted by as radio show, were still here.

KIRK:

Yes....yes, youre right, Spock. But we will be Im sure.

LONG PAUSE.

KIRK:

I find it very embarrassing just waiting here like this, Spock.

SULU:

Perhaps if you were to take those ladies briefs off, Captain?

KIRK:

Any suggestions, Mr Spock?

SPOCK: