Adele Lang - How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign: The Ultimate Horrorscope

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Table of Contents

Sincere thanks to: Maria Barr, Jack Barth, James Brown, Colin Cameron, Halide Dale, Mark Dawson, Bryan and Jan Ferguson, Leigh Ferrani, Alison Fraser, Gus Guillen, Sophia Hesselgren, Tim Lawler, Ayla Master, Christina Mitsis, Charles Peattie, Tara Spring, Bina Tarulli, Angela Taylor, Russell Taylor, Kate Tierney, and Anna-Louise Weatherley for making life under gray English skies immeasurably brighter; Lollie Barr, Michelle Davies, Anne Dewe, Gray Jolliffe, Lauren Libbert, Louise Millar, Michelle Pamment, Lynn Parsons, Dorian Silver, Vanessa Thompson, Rebecca Watson, Victoria White, and Sharon Wright for believing in star signs (or in me, at least); my family for being the greatest one in the galaxy; Susi Rajah for adding light wherever she goes; and, finally, Fiona Brownlee, whose unswerving faith, sheer hard work, and mega-watt smile have worked wonders for this particular writers career.

Adele Lang

Thank you to: Adele Lang for her hospitality, late- night calls, and for keeping me out all night in London; Fiona Brownlee for conquering the world; Sharyn Wortman for room, board, excursions, and her endless generosity; Tina Pukonen, Penny Jensz, Alissa Tanskaya, Andreas Smetana, Rachel Henderson, and Mark and Louise Shugg for international friendship and help; Gillian and David Helfgott for inspiration and opportunity; my parents for everything; Susie and John Mitchell for the same; Vivi, Xander, Kirk, Jane, Ben, Ann, and Winston for fraternity and sorority; and Corey Mitchell for making a lifelong dream come true.

Susi Rajah

Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber

(forthcoming from Thomas Dunne Books in Summer 2002)

Adle Lang is the author of four books, including the novel Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber (also published by Thomas Dunne Books). She lives and works in London.

Susi Rajah works as a writer and designer, and is also an award-winning art director and copywriter. She lives in Los Angeles.

Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Out-of-control control freaks. Untalented show-offs. Ignorant know-it-alls. And thats their good points. These self-proclaimed demi-gods will try to get your attention at the merest hint of provocation (e.g., you happen to be in the same room as them).

Fire Sign bastards are always better than you and will never fail to tell you so. Theyll then hammer the fact home by telling you againjust in case you didnt hear them the first time.

Dare to disagree and theyll act in their usual endearing way. Theyll start yelling, turn puce, and then hurl themselves to the ground with much thrashing about of arms and legs. Five minutes later theyll get back up again and act as if nothings happened. Real astrologers like to call this their quick-temperedness. We like to call men in white coats.

Of course, you could choose to ignore Fire Sign bastards and hope theyll just go away. Like, right. Why go off and voluntarily die when they can be humored 1,445 minutes a day?

However, if the thought of kneeling at their feet in mock wonder does make you want to throw up, dont worry. You wont have to do it for long. Fire Sign bastards are such temperamental, competitive sons of bastards, they usually die early of heart attacks.

March 21-April 20

Once upon a time, in the Dark Ages, there was this quaint little term known as a mans man. Nobody knew quite what it meant. Except the poor unfortunate thing who was the mans mans womanand she died a horrible death when she willfully stuck her head in the oven unto which she was chained.

Then come more enlightened times and in minces the sensitive New Age Feeling Fellow. All of a sudden, a mans man surely must mean a gentleman of the pink persuasion and, gee, dont those scented candles look too, too, utterly utterly?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, deep in the woods, a solitary male is yelling at the top of his lungs, beating a tom-tom and sticking pins into a blow-up doll that looks a lot like Gloria Steinem. This sad, lost soul is the Aries guy. Bewildered by beauty myths, dumbfounded by day-care centers, and completely baffled by consensual sex, he holds on to his masculinity as tightly as he holds on to his manhood (which is throbbing, if you must know). Boy, does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.

Being the only mans man left in existence, its lonely for him at the bottom of the food chaineven the amoebas, given the chance, opt to mate with themselves.

And thank bloody Christ for that. Aries is such a chauvinist hed root for truffles if he knew what truffles actually are. Hesexactly the type of guy who thinks any man who buys scented candles is a friend of Dorothy.

So if the bastard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle deux, and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, hes almost certainly gay and hes definitely not Aries. Because even an Aries queen would be down at the local hellfire club, dressed to the cat-o-nines and slugging back Frangelico with his like-minded friends.

All Aries men enjoy hanging out in bars with their friends. And even the dead-straight homophobic one doesnt think twice about getting sentimental with them when hes drunk. In fact, youll swear he must be an open-and-shut closet case since he spends far more time hugging and kissing other guys than he ever does you.

The real reason this revolting creature prefers the company of men is because he has no choice. No right-thinking woman with two opposable thumbs and lack of tail can bear the thought of being in the same room at the same time as him. He exudes so much testoterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a womans neck stand up, theyll actually go through a rapid growth spurt.

If you are unfortunate enough to be stuck in an enclosed space with Aries, its best just to smile as vacuously as you can and nod your head at appropriate intervalsbecause you wont understand a single word hes saying. English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements, and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them all a good fuck.

Of course, good and fuck are polar opposites when it comes to this rock-throwing Romeo. One night with Aries is enough toget thee, Traci Lords, to the nunnery. To put it as delicately as we can, lets just say that you wont actually have time to count all the cracks on the ceiling.

Despite his obvious lack of sexual stamina, the Aries bastard feels biologically compelled to pursue any number of luckless ladies with a vengeance verging on primeval. His courting tactics are as subtle as a sledghammer and not half as useful. So for Gods sake dont play hard to get. Itll only encourage him.

Hell use gorilla tactics to win you over. And why shouldnt you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window? Especially when youre entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot.

Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out of aforementioned window (which is closed). Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you who are, by now, a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the womens movement back centuries.

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