Table of Contents
HERES WHAT THEYRE SAYING...
This book, densely packed with wisdom to live by, offers a much-needed look into the process of recovery and spirituality.... It addresses the commonly ignored but prevalent problem of hitting bottom sober. The author is a wonderful teacher and storyteller who believes in, and writes about, transformation.
Judith G. Dowling, Psy.D.
clinical psychologist
I plan to give a copy of this book, instead of a prescription for Prozac, to my patients who are seeking this path.
Dawn V. Obrecht, M.D., P.C.
family medicine, addictive diseases
Through the minefield of despair and the many dark nights that often occur during recovery, this book leads us to new heights of spiritual understanding. Highly recommended.
Bill Cox, M.D.
Lutheran Medical Center
A masterful job of presenting all the issuesresistance, denial and dogged persistencerequired for this marvelous journey. It will be required reading for my recovering clients as they shore up their 12-Step foundation to support stage two therapeutic work.
Mary Roush, M.S., LPC, NCC, CACIII
psychotherapist
To Jo, who makes the forest green.
The childrenTom, Tree, Cat, Monica,
Laura and Steve.
My sister, Mike. My brother, Gene.
Judith, my cosmic twin and muse.
Dan, for all the right reasons.
Linda Roghaar, for being the best of agents.
All those most likely to answer the phone at midnight and show up at the barricades when
requested (you know who you are).
In the real dark night of the soul, its always three oclock in the morning.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
The eye with which you see God is the same eye with which God sees you.
Meister Eckhart
There is no companion but love.
No starting or finishing, yet a Road.
The Friend calls from There:
Why do you hesitate when lives are in danger!
Rumi
Every day people are straying away from the church and
going back to God.
Lenny Bruce
This is serious, said Pooh. I must have an escape.
Winnie-the-Pooh
Where there is no love, put love and you will find love.
St. Francis
THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The Twelve Steps are reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint the Twelve Steps does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, nor that AA agrees with the views expressed herein. AA is a program of recovery from alcoholism onlyuse of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after AA, but which address other problems, or in any other non-AA context, does not imply otherwise.
Additionally, although AA is a spiritual program, it is not a religious program. Hence, AA is not allied with any sect, denomination or specific spiritual belief.
PROLOGUE
Most everybody knew old Tyler. Hed been hanging around the Westside Alano club for as long as anyone could remember. Had a face looked like somebody forgot to water it; dry as an old boot, roadmapped with wrinkles, the face of a man whod spent a good deal of time looking at horizons.
Lawyer Bob was the guy who wore the Armani suits, had the House on the Hill, the Big Job. Had it all. Everybody figured him for Mister Success. Huh. Little did they know. He had a hole in his life the size of a suitcase. Bob was the one told me the story about how he and Tyler got together a year or so ago when Bob was having all that trouble. You know the drillFamine, Pestilence, Death, Romance and Finance. Divorce and Financial Ruin. Youd think a lawyer would know better. Anyway, he went to Tyler because he figured that anyone with thirty years in recovery ought to have some answers. First thing Tyler told him was he didnt have any answers. First thing; like he was reading his mind. Then he went on.
Sounds like youre about to enter the dark part of the forest. The part where the real work begins. You ready to go back to school?
I did the steps already, said Bob.
Good. Once more wont hurt. And try not to be defensive. Im on your side.
Im not being defensive.
Youre being defensive, said Tyler. Trust me on this; I know defensive when I see it. Now, it would seem that the preliminary work is doneyou have hit bottom sober. Very important. And now you are about to enter the Dark Night, the Great Desert, where you will either fall by the wayside and die, go mad, or survive and experience real recovery.
Those are the only choices?
All spiritual journeys contain elements of death and transfiguration. Recoverys no different. Its just part of the deal.
Sounds like major surgery, said Bob.
True. But the alternative is to stop growing and join those who linger in that gray limbo of semi-recovery, not drinking or using or feeding their other addictions, but not really living either, dispensing Advice and Tough Love to defenseless newcomers, glumly counting birthdays as if the sheer number might guarantee a certain amount of happiness. You want that?
No.
You want to be free?
I want to be free.
Good. We may be on to something here. How about we meet at your place every other Tuesday? Seven oclock. You have a tape recorder?
Yeah.
Good. Get some tapes. Long ones.
Why the tapes?
Mostly to humor an old man, said Tyler. And someday you may want to remember what it was like. You may even want to tell somebody what it was like. Itll help you refresh your memory.
Bob said he tried to explain some of his numerous problems to Tyler that night, but Tyler wouldnt listen.
Youve just got one problem, counselor. Youre addicted to a wide variety of things, most notably alcohol, and that addiction, that state of dis-ease, results in a pathological obsession with self, a condition needlessly prolonged by your desire to figure it out. Figure-it-out-ism is itself a disease nearly always fatal in advanced cases. Like yours. Often leads to whats-the-use-ism or poor-me-ism, both known to be terminal in addicts of all kinds. What you really have is a surrender problem.
Next page