Table of Contents
To my love, Robert Rice
Introduction
If I were asked for the major messages of this book, Id shout out:
1. We are having hot, fabulous sex after sixty. Societys view of aging women as sexless is wrong, wrong, wrong. Many of us are having the best sex of our lives.
2. Yes, changes after menopause make sexual enjoyment challenging, but were using our creativity, our personal power, the joy and intimacy of our relationships, and useful tools of all sortsfrom sex toys to a sense of humorto tackle those challenges.
3. Were redefining aging and sexuality. Were the Love Generationwe practically invented sex. Were not about to shut the gates now!
There are plenty of books and magazine articles filled with doom and gloom about midlife and older sexuality, how our tissues wither along with our libidos, and we might as well give it up. This isnt my book.
This book is more than a guide to how to have great sex after sixtyits intensely personal, straight talk from my own experience and from a bevy of lusty women over sixty who arent afraid to tell, along with a smattering of self-help tips from experts.
Most books about sex and older women are either academic or exclusively self-help. While we Boomers and beyond do want self-help, we are hungry for the voices of womens shared experiences. This book is warm, friendly, lighthearted, down-to-earth, often graphic, and honest.
Im known as a fitness professional and health/fitness writer. Im proud of the fitness books Ive written, and just because Im now writing about a new topic, its not that I believe any less in the importance of exercise. (Notice how I sneak in a chapter on that theme in this book.)
But its timeat age sixty-oneto expand my repertoire and dive into the subject that interests me the most at this stage of my life: ageless sexuality. Bodies beyond boundaries. From the reactions of the women I interviewed, were eager to talk, and were eager to learn from each other.
Im writing the book Id love to read, I tell my friends. Now, in my sixties, I have the great joy of writing a book on my favorite topic of all time, and in the woman-to-woman-friendly style that I enjoy. May you join me in affirming and celebrating the joy in our sensual lives!
Joan Price
Sebastopol, California
2005
CHAPTER 1
Tale of a Book: How This Book Came to Be
History of This Book
In 2003, my book, The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book: 300+ Quick and Easy Exercises You Can Do Whenever You Want! came out. I was thrilled when my publicist phoned and said, We may be able to book you on a TV program in New York called Naked New York. Its a cable show that discusses sex topics. Are any of your exercises especially good for sex?
Yes! I replied.
We need a hook, an angle, she said. Something sexy about you.
Tell them that at age fifty-nine, Im having the best sex of my life!
A month later, sitting in the studio waiting for my turn, I heard this promo before every commercial: And coming up, Joan Price, who, at age fifty-nine, is having the best sex of her life! I had thought this would be a minor attention-getterI had no idea Id sound like a freak.
During my fifteen minutes in the guest seat, I discovered that no one cared about my exercise book, though the host gave me about ten seconds to demonstrate exercises that strengthen the inner thighs and the woman-on-top push-up muscles. The major question of the evening was, So, Joan, is it true that youre having the best sex of your life at fifty-nine? What makes it so good?
My three-part answer was this:
1. We take lots and lots of time for sexI need lots of warm-up, and we both enjoy it.
2. We know ourselves and our bodies, and we have learned how to communicate at this point in our lives.
3. My lover and I are in a new relationship. Were wildly in love with each other and feel like a couple of adolescentsbut with the added eroticism that surprisingly accompanies wisdom and life experience.
How odd it felt to be disclosing intimate details of my sex life on television. Thank goodness my loveran intensely private personwas safely across the country, where he couldnt hear me.
But, to tell the truth, I didnt mind talking about this at all. The fact was that I was in an amazing and intensely sexual relationship with Robert, age sixty-six at the timewho has since become my fiancand I was, indeed, having the best sex of my life. The glorious part is that it just keeps getting better! Theres nothing hotter than sex between people who know their own bodies, are crazy about each other, relish taking lots of time, and honor sex as extremely spiritual and physical. I just dont think people can get there without a whole lot of life experience and a hefty dose of relationship mistakes along the way!
Me, Write a Sex Book?
When I was a young woman, it didnt occur to me that women over sixty cared about sex, much less tingled like teenagers in the presence of their lovers. The media do nothing to give us role models (see Chapter 2, Sex in the Golden Age, for a discussion of this). Were staking out new territory here. Now that I had passed midlife, sex was different, to be sure, but wildly satisfying. Why didnt anyone tell me this would and could happen? Why werent we talking about it? Why werent we writing about it?
This idea kept percolating as I passed sixty, and I went looking for good sex books, both fiction and nonfiction, specifically aimed at my age group. I was surprisedand turned off!by how few of these books existed, and how dry and unsexy most of them were. Some were much too academic to bring into the bedroom, many were outdated, and some were supposed to be titillating but werentat least to us.
I read the beginnings of several books to Robert in bed, trying to find one that would entice us, arouse us, or give us new insights, to no avail. You should write your own book about sex and aging, Robert told me.
Yes, I thought. I could write a book that presents the reality of sex after sixty with all its challenges and delights. A book that celebrates sensuality, intimacy, and our marvelous bodiessources of deep pleasures that transcend wrinkles and dryness. A book that isnt self-help as much as self-examination and self-revelation, though with a healthy sampling of strategies that help us make friends with our retreating hormones. A book that makes us laugh at ourselves. A book that makes us laugh just because were happy!
We can still feel passionate about love, at any age, if the circumstances are right. Previous generations of older people would have gone into cardiac arrest if anyone had suggested such a thing; and most of us were probably brainwashed... to think we would become asexual zombies after sixty-five. Eda LeShan in I Want More of Everything
Examine the Past, Understand the Present
I started writing memoir, a process Id recommend to everyone. You dont have to aim to write a bookjust start with a handwritten journal or a personal document on your computer and write down your thoughts and experiences.
As I did this, I gained in many ways: self-acceptance, new perspectives on past relationships, insights about my values and attitudes, gratitude for the love in my life, and deep, reverent appreciation for this stage of my life.