Marshall Thomas - Crazy Into You: The Truth About How Men Choose and Fall for Women

One warm summer evening, I was out for a walk in the Little Italy neighborhood of my city. It was a beautiful nightone of those gorgeous evenings that makes you restless to be social and not miss the excitement that beckons city dwellers away from their TVs and computers. So people were outon their way to clubs or just hanging out at local bars and cafs. As usual, there were many attractive people.

As I came to one corner, I noticed two young women at a sidewalk caf sitting strategically for summertime people-watching. One young woman, lets call her Heather, had a lovely body, caramel-colored skin, and somewhat voluptuous curves. She was wearing a flowery sundress, and her curly brunette hair outlined her slightly above-average face. Her companion, lets call her Julie, was much slighter of frame, with fewer curves, but with an endearing smile and a pretty face framed by dirty-blonde, shoulder-length hair.

I stopped to chat with them for a minute, then asked if I could join them. Heather was less enthusiastic, but they both agreed. As we chatted, laughed, and made small talk, they told me that theyd been watching men go by and rating them on pecs and glutes. Julie was noticeably friendlier than Heather, and although they were both relatively attractive physically, each in her own way, Heather most certainly possessed greater sex appeal.

Julie mentioned that she had a boyfriend, and Heather grumbled something to Julie about married men, from which I surmised that she was currently, or accustomed to, dating married men.

After a while, Heathers queries began to deteriorate, including questions such as why was I there, why wasnt I helping them meet new men, why wasnt I asking her for sex.

Cant I just sit with you for a while and chat on a warm summer night without your expecting something from me? I asked.

No, she said.

I replied, If this is the way you relate to all guys, then your relationships with men must be very shallow.

Yes! she exclaimed and stormed off into the bar.

Her friend turned to me and said apologetically, Shes a real man-eater.

I replied, If you change the first e to an h, then Id concur.

I once had a friend in university who had an average-looking face, but a very sexy body. She was extremely well endowed, and despite being a lovely person, her eyes had probably never met the gaze of a guy since she exited puberty. She was blonde, and with her looks came the stereotypes. Her roommate confided in me that guys had offered to pay her for covert nude pictures of my friend coming out of the shower.

When I first met her, she was standing outside her residence lamenting to a group of guys about how difficult it was to get men to take her seriously. One look at her, and I knew she wasnt kidding. No oversized sweater, or ankle-length potato sack for that matter, could hide the physical beauty of her body. Despite her complaint, it was hard for me not to see her as a sexual object, but I felt compassionate toward her. Over the next few years, I watched her struggle to find validation in the eyes of men and be treated with more than frivolityto find a man who could actually answer the question: What color are my eyes?

The notion of dating has changed dramatically over the last two generations. In fact, even the term date is relatively new. It wasnt long ago that courtship in North America involved receiving an invitation from a mother, aunt, or respected family friend to call on an eligible female and visit her, under proper watchful supervision, of course, in the parlor of her family home for refreshments and conversation with family members, and perhaps a short piano recital performed by the prim bachelorette herself.

Fast forward to contemporary times, and change seems to have accelerated in recent decades. Perhaps its the information revolution thats been the catalyst for this change. In 1984, 8.2 percent of American households owned a computer.

Perhaps its the availability of porn to even the youngest of eyes. Its estimated that 90 percent of eight to sixteen year olds have viewed porn online, most while doing homework.

Economic shifts, student debt, unemployment, and underemployment are forces pushing young adults to delay commitment longer and longer. In February 2013, the unemployment rate for recent college grads in United States was 11 percent; in 1994, just 4.4 percent.

Fewer and fewer singles are opting for marriage, and it seems for good reason. In 2014, 50 percent of the US population sixteen years or older was single, compared with just 37 percent in 1976. Ouch!

The cumulative difference between a successful, divorce-free marriage and a failed marriage could total many hundreds of thousands of dollars, even for couples with relatively modest incomes. And this is only the financial cost; emotional, social, and familial costs are probably even more important.

The stakes are high and the challenges are significant. Its clear that success in this ever-changing landscape called dating is important, however elusive it might be for many, hence the explosion of dating literature. From The Rules to MenAre from Mars, Women Are from Venus, literature aimed at helping improve success in the dating arena is not new.

However, its as if there are as many different points of view and contradicting dating edicts as there are dating books. Wait three dates, no, wait three months. Approach him, no, never approach him, in fact, run from him, make him pursue you. Offer to pick up the tab, no way, order the most extravagant meal, but barely touch it!

I was inspired to write this book after reading Hes Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. HesJust Not That Into You, if youre one of the forty-nine single women in North America who cant immediately retrieve this one from your bookshelf, is a lighthearted and relatively candid look at male behaviors that signal to a woman that hes not really that interested in herthat indicate that theres a limit to how much hed invest in a relationship, or that make plain his true intentions or lack thereof. The book also explores the many justifications women make to rationalize this behavior. For example, he isnt calling because hes too busy, he avoids taking me out on dates because hes short on cash, or hell be ready to commit once hes more settled in his job.

Although the book is useful in helping women see mens behavior and excuses for what they really are, and it can help them identify their own habits of justifying bad male behaviorthus selling themselves short in their dating lives and relationships, it does little beyond that. It may help a woman identify that her man isnt terribly interested, and it may help her to jettison him; however, shes still left crying and self-righteously cursing into her tub of Ben & Jerrys on a Friday night. She may be happy that the recently identified jerk is gone (well, sort of happy), but shes left with no remedy for the underlying situation.

So now what? If youve read Hes Just Not That IntoYou, you can see through excuses that reveal your low importance in the eyes of a particular suitor. You know how to identify behaviors that signal a mans lack of interest in you. But what do you do next? How do you find men who will be more interested in you? How do you find men who will place more value in a relationship with you? And where are all the supposed good men you keep hearing about? Theyre all gay or spoken for, arent they? What do these good men want, and why do you seem to attract everyone else?

Why is it that Heather, in my story above, always seemed to end up with married men, yet her friend never had trouble finding decent boyfriends? And why was it so difficult for my college friend to be taken seriously by men?