Mary Beth Temple - The Secret Language of Knitters

I ran out of room so to be brief, for once, thanks to: agent extraordinaire Kate Epstein, editor Katie Anderson, daughter Katie Temple (notice a theme here?), and all of the addicted knitters who turned a hobby into a community. Sincerely, you all rock.

The Secret Language of Knitters copyright 2007 by Mary Beth Temple. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-9327-1

Library of Congress Control Number: 2007924485

Cover design by Michelle Farinella
Cover photography by Judith Wolf

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Y ou knew there was a secret language of knitters, didnt you? You followed the open sign of a local yarn store like a foundering sailor following the beacon of a lighthouse, only to discover that once you found what should be your spiritual home, you didnt understand half of the words or any of the jokes. People were laughing about having tons of UFOshad you stumbled into a sci-fi convention by mistake? They were talking about SABLE (fur?) and SEXwell, you knew what that was but why were groups of knitting women and men talking about doing it as a group right out loud in front of everybody? What kind of cult is this, after all? Perhaps you ran screaming into the nightbut something (perhaps the cashmere) keeps drawing you back.

I present to you your field guide to the secret language of knitters. Because unlike many other groups that have been studied by outsiders (gorillas come to mind), we actually want you to join us. We want you to learn our language and become one of us. We want to welcome you with open arms, to convert you to our way of life. OK, maybe it is a little cult-like after all, but I mean that in the best possible sense. You can go anywhere in the country, find a yarn shop, and be instantly at home. And now you, too, can laugh at the jokes.

ACRYLICnoun: Otherwise known as fiber not found in nature. Talking about acrylic yarn with knitters is one of those things that is bound to get you into trouble whether in real life or on the Internet. Acrylic yarn has its crazed proponents and its die-hard haters. Like with many other things, I personally advocate moderation.

Back in the dawn of time, when I was learning to knit, there was pretty much acrylic, lumpy cotton rug yarn, or scratchy wool. We bought our acrylic yarn at the local dime storeit came in one-ounce or four-ounce skeins. I used to spend my allowance on one-ounce skeins of Red Heart, little knowing that I was already sliding down the slippery slope to stash acquisition. My mother and sisters would feed my habit, passing me their leftovers and the odd skein found in a sale bin. I happily made patchwork doll blankets out of all of the different colors.

Eventually, the college years came, and I began to indulge in a little SEX. I lived in New York City where there were LYSs in every part of town. I went through a long period where I thought that under no circumstances would I ever knit with 100 percent acrylic yarn ever again. Ever, ever, ever. Why spend hours on something made of crappy yarn? Why not get the finest fiber there is for every glorious item that slips off of my needles? Who really objects to hand washing? And then I had a child. Hand washing? I was barely washing myself. And I had to buy diapers; there was no merino money in the budget. Thankfully, times had changedtechnology has improved yarns as well as other things, and there were some not-bad feeling acrylic yarns on the market. So I got over my prejudices. There are many other fibers I prefer, but when my then-seven-year-old wanted a blanket for her bed in neon colors, you bet I went with throw it in the washer and the dryer acrylic, rather than hand wash this monster and hope it dries before mold sets in alpaca.

So in the spirit of fiber moderation, I offer you the pros and cons of acrylic yarns.

Cons: It can be scratchy, it can pill with use, and it resists the magic of blocking in a big way. There is nothing at all natural about it, and because it cant breathe, neither can your skin when you are wearing it, so if you are at all prone to being a little, shall we say, sweaty, this is probably not your yarn of choice. It doesnt felt.

Pros: Price. Acrylic yarn is cheapity, cheap, cheap, cheap, and you get a lot of yardage for your dollar. It is machine washable and dryable, and no one is allergic to it. It comes in every color of the rainbow, as well as several that look like the design team was having an acid flashback, which can be kind of fun. It doesnt felt.

Like with any other product under the sun, there is bad acrylic yarn and better acrylic yarn. So lets all make a deal. I wont call all acrylic yarn cheap garbage, and you wont mock me for wearing a sweater whose costs might have equaled a car payment. I will knit some acrylic items for kids and allergic friends without grimacing, and you can maybe felt an item once in a while for fun.

It isnt acrylic yarn that is the enemy; it is badly made yarn of any fiber. Lets unite and stomp out that!

ADDICT, KNITTINGnoun: I find it very interesting that many words knitters use to describe their hobby have somehow migrated from the language of the illegal drug trade. Stash, needles, dealer, habit, addictionlike knitting is a guilty secret. Next thing you know there will be a twelve-step program: Hello my name is Mary Beth, and I am addicted to alpaca. All together now, Hi, Mary Beth.

I could quit any timereally, I could. I dont have to get my warm fuzzies by feeling all that woolly (or cottony, or lineny, or llama-y) goodness flow through my fingers. I really dont have to spend my weekends at sheep and wool festivals, plan my vacations around visits to cool yarn stores across the country, or have three projects going at the same time so that there is always something to do. I could learn to watch a television program without doing anything else at the same time, read about people in need without being driven to knit each of them a hat, and spend time on the Internet without cruising for yarn sales. I could read, nay even write a blog about, I dont know, politics, or gardening, or home improvement.

I could do any of these things, but I wont. I love to knit, I love the process of knitting, and I love the finished objects that I turn out. I love wearing hand-knit goodies, giving them as gifts to people I love, and sending them off to strangers who might need them. There is a reason that there isnt a twelve-step program for knitters, and that reason is none of us wants to quit!