Andrew G. Marshall - Have the Sex You Want: A Couples Guide to Getting Back the Spark

Also by Andrew G. Marshall

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I Love You but You Always Put Me Last: Why the Kids-First Approach to Parenting Is Hurting Your Marriageand the Proven Plan to Restore Balance

My Wife Doesnt Love Me Anymore:
The Love Coach Guide to Winning Her Back

Learn to Love Yourself Enough: Seven Steps to Improving Your Self-Esteem and Your Relationships

How Can I Ever Trust You Again?

Infidelity from Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps

Heal and Move On: Seven Steps to Recovering from a Breakup

Help Your Partner Say Yes: Seven Steps to Achieving Better Cooperation and Communication

Resolve Your Differences: Seven Steps to Dealing with Conflict in Your Relationship

Are You Right for Me? Seven Steps to Getting Clarity and Commitment in Your Relationship

Health Communications, Inc.

Deerfield Beach, Florida

www.hcibooks.com

The case histories in this book are based on couples with whom I have worked in my marital therapy practice (their identities have been changed to protect confidentiality and sometimes two or three cases have been merged together) and individuals who wrote to my website, filled in a questionnaire or kept a sex diary.

If readers have a medical complaint, it is important that they consult their doctor.

Marshall Method Publishing

London Florida

www.marshallmethodpublishing.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available through the Library of Congress.

This work has been previously been published in the UK (Bloomsbury) as Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six Steps to Passionate, Plentiful and Monogamous Sex.

ISBN 978-0-9574297-9-6

Copyright 2014 by Andrew G. Marshall

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced,

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means,

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other

wise, without written permission from the author.

Editor: Michele Matrisciani

Cover and interior design: Gary A. Rosenberg

Printed in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents

CHAPTER ONE
The Six Stages of Lovemaking

CHAPTER TWO
Your Relationship Outside the Bedroom

CHAPTER THREE
The Road to Repair

CHAPTER FOUR
A Month of Sensuality

CHAPTER FIVE
The Great Desire Debate

CHAPTER SIX
The Three Sex Styles

CHAPTER SEVEN
Set Free Your Fantasy

CHAPTER EIGHT
The Heart of the Matter

CHAPTER NINE
Affairs and Sex AbuseMore Culprits That Put Out the Fire

APPENDIX
Putting the Spark Back into Your Relationship

Sex plays a central part in our lives. It not only makes us feel desirable and loved, but an orgasm is a great physical release and a reducer of stress. Most important of all, sex bonds us to our partners and stops our relationships from disintegrating into friendship or one strictly of co-parenting. Unfortunately, sex is also difficult to discuss with our partners... especially with our partners. Even an innocent discussion of what we enjoy can be interpreted as criticism. The whole topic is so full of traps that most couples retreat into silence and hope for the best.

Thats fine at the beginning of the relationship when everything is new and exciting, but what happens several years down the road when sex has become predictable and theres always something else demanding your attention?

Although youve both changed over the years, youre probably still having the same sex as when you first met. However, you are probably not going to the same restaurants, wearing the same clothes, and listening to the same music, so its no wonder the spark has gone out of your love life, leaving you both bored and a little frustrated. Despite the medias being full of titillation, there is no serious discussion of how to keep passion alive in long-term relationships. Of course, there are books offering sex tips, which can be useful if youre looking for a superficial fix, but they dont assist in figuring out what has gone awry and why, and most important, what to do about it.

As a marital therapist with close to thirty years of couples counseling experience, I have witnessed this phenomenon over and over again in clients of all ages and stages of their relationships, and I am here to tell you that you dont have to settle for infrequent or going through the motions lovemaking. You can have the sex you want: passionate, plentiful, and connected. In this book, I show you how to talk to your partner about sex without fighting, how to understand the myths that undermine good lovemaking, and most important, how to be more sensual and in the moment, so you forget your everyday concerns, completely let go, andhaving stepped away from your to-do listbask in the joy of fulfilling sex.

It sounds wonderful, doesnt it? Except youre skeptical. Do your problems seem too deep to uncover or your partner so defensive, uninterested in sex, or just plain angry to the point where you cant fathom ever connecting with him or her the way you used to? Dont worry; Ive come across all these problems before, and Im here as a guide and a source for everything you want to know and need to know about reigniting the spark.

The first three chapters focus on improving communication and repairing damage done to your relationship through years of shutting each other out, humiliation, misunderstanding, mismatched libido, overscheduled lives, or any other culprit that caused a gap in your connection. In Chapter Four, I introduce my ten-week program that defies logic, by stripping your lovemaking back to basics and unlearning any bad habits that are driving you apart. By adhering to the no sex rule, you will relearn how to turn your partner on, set your fantasies free, and introduce new ideas that could spice up your lovemaking. In the last two chapters, I offer a lens into the problems of sexual functioning and unresolved issues, including affairs and sex addiction. The book concludes with a recap of the ten-week program along with advice, if youre reading this book alone, on how to recruit your partner to change your sex life.

You will probably discover that your partner has been lying on the opposite side of the bed feeling just as frustrated as you are, which means there is hope for not just better sex but making a fresh start too.

Exchanging loaded looks, the building of desire , the intimate touch, the lingering kisses as two people give up control and surrender to each other, we have a clear picture of really good sex. For a few blissful moments, you are not alone but united in giving and receiving pleasure. In your lovers eyes, you have become supremely desirable and that makes you feel powerful and at peace with yourself. At the same time, youre offering the same gift to your lover. All your everyday problems melt away as the feelings build and build into a long and satisfying climax. Afterward, you lie in each others arms as your breathing slowly returns to normal, leaving you in a blissful state.

But, for many, sex seems to be the last thought of two tired people at the end of a long day. Of course, it can still be wonderful, but that tends to happen when youre on vacation and youre relaxed and making time for each other. For the other fifty weeks of the year, instead of being something that bonds you and makes life worth living, sex becomes another thing on your to-do list, a source of arguments, or an altogether off-limits topic.

What happened to that spark that drew you together? What happened to the passion you thought would last forever?