Deuce Flanagan - Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year: An Illustrated Bathroom Companion for Grown-Ups

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Table of Contents

For the Tidy Bowl Man: bon voyage, buddy.

D. F.

For Lisa, as if I havent already given you enough crap.

D. R. D.

Its a wonderful, smelly world.

A wise man once said, Dont live by you are what you eat, live by you are what you dont poop. Indeed, pooping, the final act of digestion, is also one of the bodys most important movements. It rids our bodies of harmful toxins, clears away indigestible fibers and excess fats and proteins, and provides a vital and lengthy break to the monotony of the work day.

Despite poops importance in our daily lives, the fascinating facts about defecation are often considered too taboo for normal conversation. Thus, too many people live their whole lives without answers to these potentially life-altering questions:

Why is my poop blue?

Where does it go after I flush?

What did people wipe with before toilet paper? And

Did the Japanese really use wooden sticks?

Are furniture companies seriously making sofas out of cow pies?

Where does all the fish poop in the ocean go?

Why did I just crap my pants playing hide-and-go-seek?

And, of course, what does whale poop look like?

There are facts that will blow you out of the water.

Sit on your porcelain throne of ignorance no longer, my friend. All of the answers and the worlds dirtiest facts are here at your fingertips. Here are a few gems to share at the dinner table:

America flushes down an approximate 200,000 trees worth of toilet paper every year.

Some fiber-loving people produce an average of 700 pounds of poop each yearthe weight of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Not impressed? A full-grown elephant can drop 70 pounds of poop a day (or about 25,000 pounds per year).

Bears, on the other hand, create a rectal plug that stops them from pooping during their six-month winter hibernations.

During World War II, Nazi tank drivers in Africa believed it was good luck to run over the camel dung littering the deserta superstition that was not lost on Allied bomb makers, who quickly devised some highly explosive camel crap.

Before the automobile, New York City was so overrun by horses and pack animals that during the winter the streets were covered in five feet of ice-packed manure.

And possibly scare the crap right out of you

Of course, poop is not just roses and corn-kernels, it has a much darker side as well. For instance, did you know that

excessive straining during a tough #2 can trigger an aneurysm or heart attack?

severe constipation can turn deadly?

the stomach flu is rarely actually caused by influenza virusits caused by the consumption of food contaminated with fecal bacteria?

some poop is so toxic, it can be more lethal than snake venom?

laxative abuse can cause intestinal paralysis?

each flush of the toilet can send poo particles spraying up to six feetright on to your new toothbrush?

so, keep your hands and arms inside, its going to be a wet and wild ride.

During your lifetime, you could spend right around 9,000 hours (one full year!) with your cheeks pressed firmly to the toilet seat. Isnt it time you found out what, exactly, you are doing during all that time?

Prepare to find out

A rose by any other name

Think of poo as the quintessential reject. Of all the food that goes into your body, a remarkably small portion ever comes out again. So then what, you ask, is poop made of?

75% is unused water (why dehydration = constipation)

10% is dead bacteria (which gives poop its distinct fragrance)

10% is indigestible foods like fiber (why those corn kernels seem to be intact)

5% is ALIVE well, its living bacteria. And the excess foods the body didnt use.

The Birth of a Two-Pound Turdling

The in-hole or mouth. Food entering the mouth is turned into a digestible mush by churning teeth.

The esophagus pushes the food toward the stomach using powerful muscles.

The stomach stores food and liquid. As it saves the matter, it also uses dissolving juices to break everything into smaller, digestible pieces.

The stomach slowly releases the now unrecognizable food into the intestines, where nutrients are absorbed by the porous lining.

The indigestible material passes through the intestines to the colon, where it is compacted and stored for evacuation.

The Bristol Stool Chart

The Rabbit Pellet. For all that aneurysm-inducing effort, the bowl is still empty. Major constipation.

The Childbirth. Passing a rock-solid poo that feels more like a 10-pound baby emerging from your colon. Another sign of constipation.

The Sausage Log. This is the ideal bathroom creation, the type of #2 you would write home about.

The Snake. Another favorable deuce. This softer version of the Sausage Log indicates a tract functioning A-OK.

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