Ethlie Ann Vare - Love Addict: Sex, Romance, and Other Dangerous Drugs

Praise forLove Addict

Vares firsthand account of the pain and pathos of love addiction is smart, funny, and readable. Love Addict combines memoir and fact in a groundbreaking way that leads those who suffer toward hope and healing.

Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., author of Erotic Intelligence:
Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction

This book is absolutely compelling. I know it will be an enormous help to addicts and a fascinating read for the rest of us who ask, Why would anyone do that? Why dont they just see how destructive that is and stop?

Loraine Despres, bestselling author of The Scandalous Summer of
Sissy LeBlanc and screenwriter for Dallas and Knots Landing

Love Addict is smart, funny, controversial, and altogether stunning. Ethlie Ann Vare talks about things no one else will talk about. I couldnt put it down.

Sean Kanan, actor (Bold and the Beautiful, Young
and the Restless, Karate Kid) and author of The Modern
Gentleman: Cooking and Entertaining with Sean Kanan

I wish this book was around two divorces and seven children ago! Better late than never...

Tommy Davidson, actor (In Living Color,
Mad TV, Ace Ventura), writer, and comedian

Love Addict is the best book about a crazy little thing called love. Ethlie Ann Vare is witty, wise, and wonderfully courageous to tackle this misunderstood topic. You dont need to be an addict to enjoy or get this book. Its a must-read for any woman who has ever struggled with love in her life.

Carrie Borzillo, journalist and
author of Cherry Bomb and Sinner Takes All

Love Addict is filled with everything you ever wanted to know about love addiction but nobody ever warned you about! Her anecdotes will tickle your funny bone, her scientific research will stimulate your brain, and her candid, no-holds-barred advice will give you comfort that there is help and hope, even for a love addict.

Dr. Ava Cadell, author of Passion Power and 12 Steps to
Everlasting Love and founder of www.loveologyuniversity.com

LOVE
ADDICT

Sex ,
Romance, and
Other Dangerous Drugs

ETHLIE ANN VARE

FOREWORD BY MARGARET CARY, M.D., M.B.A., M.P.H.

www.hcibooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available through the Library of Congress.

2011 Ethlie Ann Vare.

ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-1595-4 (trade paper)
ISBN-10: 0-7573-1595-X (trade paper)
ISBN-13: 978-0-7573-9161-3 (e-book)
ISBN-10: 0-7573-9161-3 (e-book)

All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

HCI, its logos, and marks are trademarks of Health Communications, Inc.

Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, FL 334428190

Cover illustrations and design by Larissa Hise Henoch
Interior design and formatting by Lawna Patterson Oldfield

CONTENTS

by Margaret Cary, M.D., M.B.A., M.P.H.

The disease of addiction first slapped me in the face during my second year of residency training. On my first all-night call, I admitted a woman in her fifties into the intensive care unit. She had drunk so much over such a long time that her blood wouldnt clot. Because of the back pressure caused by liver disease, she had esophageal vari-ces, which are varicose veins in the esophagus. During the night she coded, and when we tried to artificially breathe her, her vari-ces opened up. I still remembervividlystanding over her, blood everywhere, wondering, Why? Why? I started sobbing. This was the first patient who had died in my care. One of the nurses put her arms around me. She drank herself to death. You did all you could do.

The next day I skimmed through the volumes of her medical record. Her chart was almost two feet tall, nearly all of it related to alcoholism. Patient understands dangers of continuing EtOH [alcohol], it said, and sometimes, Patient placed on Antabuse. Multiple entries of the same thing. Why? I still wondered. Why do people continue self-destructive behavior? What causes addiction? How do people change?

I met Ethlie when we were both undergraduates at the University of California at Santa Barbara. I was exercising rich peoples polo ponies to put myself through school, yet still not quite making the rent on a two-bedroom Craftsman home just below the Santa Barbara Riviera. I didnt want to move. I needed a roommate.

A high-energy redhead wearing hot pants answered my ad: Ethlie. She was a student in the College of Creative Studies, full of ideas and smarts, and with long, curly hair that I would have killed for but that she insisted on blow-drying straight. Her mother lived in England with what I believe was the third of four or five husbands. Ethlie had gone to school abroad and acquired an English rock-star boyfriend. She spoke French and had the insouciance of someone whos been there, done that. I had never been farther afield than Colorado, and my boyfriends were all homegrown.

In those days there were good girls and bad girls. Good girls didnt, or at least they didnt admit it. Bad girls were captivating... like Ethlie. In those days, our hormones ruled our actions, but we believed in kismet, in finding Mr. Right, and living happily ever after. Various young men, a succession of pretty boys with the same long hair, skinny legs, and dimples, marched through our little house, mostly to the copper-colored satin sheets on Ethlies waterbed. Ethlie seemed to lead a thrilling life, while I worked and focused on getting into medical school. She invited me to a few parties, and I tagged along as her wingwoman, usually leaving with someone Ethlie asked to take me home.

Hey, I met this cool guy. You dont mind if I leave you, do you? I asked Joe [or Michael or David] to give you a ride. I did mind, mostly because I wanted to go home with someone and not endure another celibate ride home in silence with my hands clasped in my lap. But she and I both wanted the same things as everyone else: Love. Romance. Commitment. Who can resist that feeling of limerence, a word coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov for the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love. Yes, Ethlie and I had many limerent experiences. Mostly her.

Uh, hi, I remember saying more than once to a guy I met in the tiny hallway between our bedrooms, just outside the only bathroom.

I learned to wear robes on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Ethlie seemed to be looking for something, but I was never quite sure what it was. I dont suppose she was either. I thought she was wise beyond her years. Decades later I learned she was nearly as naive as I was, a little girl playing with this brand-new toy: sex. She was like a kid in a penny candy store with a ten-dollar bill, buying one of everything: No, that wasnt it. What else do you have? No, that wasnt it. What else do you have? No, that wasnt it.... Nothing satisfied the restless, nameless hunger, and I never saw most of these guys again.