Elle - Hunting Season: A Field Guide to Targeting and Capturing the Perfect Man

T allyho! The Hunt is afoot, love is in the air and, ladies, so should be your heels. April 1, All Fools Day, marks the official opening of Hunting Season. And its the perfect day to begin huntingbut lets not get ahead of ourselves. I know youre asking, What season and why is there a season? As with any good hunt, we need to start from the beginning.

Open Season on men begins on April 1 and ends on September 30. This occurs every year, without exception. Outside of this time frame, I do not hunt men and neither should you. I know that to your untrained ears that sounds a bit strict. But, trust me, there are very good reasons for this.

Its quite simple: Most animals are hunted during a specific season, and hunters are regulated to make sure that they hunt only during that period. This is so the prey is not depleted during the time that they are procreating. Since we are not actually killing our prey, we want to hunt during the time nature turns all men into procreating animals. That doesnt necessarily mean we want to make a baby on the first date. But its a time when mens hormones, like those of all animals, are most aggressive, making them perfect for the plucking or fucking.

You have always heard how spring turns a mans fancy? Well, ladies, that fancy is just what we are after! So we must take advantage of that turn. (We will discuss in Chapter 7 what happens when you poach , or hunt outside the Open Season .)

Open Season is a time of year when fun, sun and the sexual energy of nature is swirling around us. But there is another reason why these months are the Open Season : the absence of Tension Days . Tension Days , simply defined, are those days that require either family interactions and introductions or the anticipation of love tokens . Women somehow always think that Tension Days are good for a budding relationship. But, mark my words, they are surefire romance killers.

Heres a list of those days: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, New Years Eve, Super Bowl Sunday, Valentines Day and St. Patricks Day. The last four are the worst. Be honest now: how many of your breakups have occurred in or around one of these days? How many fights have you had with past lovers regarding the Super Bowl or Valentines Day? You know exactly what Im talking about. Any woman over twenty-three has had at least one of these Tension Day fights or breakups. Its inevitable, and its often our fault. We are always looking for the man to act in a certain way or give us a certain giftoften something shinyand, no matter what, he always falls short. Whether its how your family perceived him, how he chewed with his mouth open, how he declared Christmas a non-religious holiday, how he came home drunk from a Super Bowl party or, worst of all, how he stated that hed like to get a piece of that, referring to the Coors Light girls, the man is always in the wrong on Tension Days .

So, Tension Days all occur during the Off Season . The only holiday that you will have to face during Open Season is Mothers Day. Given that this is such a personal day (and hopefully, your buck s mother is still living), he will most likely spend Mothers Day with his family and you with yours, eliminating the risk of danger. Certainly, there are a few exceptions: if his mother is a complete psycho, for example, and he doesnt speak to her; or if she is no longer with the living. Actually, if your bucks mother has, unfortunately, passed (not that I wish that on him), you have a potential silver lining: there is a greater likelihood that he will be very kind and caring to your mom, which will rack up some useful brownie points for him.

All in all, Mothers Day doesnt really pose a problem, as long as you are appropriately cautious. And thats the only day in Open Season you have to think about. The rest of the season is filled with fun, beach holidays, skin-showing outfits and warm breezes: the perfect storm for hunting .

We hunters have six months to go into the wild, find our prey and bring it home. There are two capture methods available to a hunter: Bag n Tag and Trophy Hunting . In later chapters we will discuss these methods in detail, but for now, girls, I just want you to take note of one very important hunting rule: you need to decide upon one method and stick to it for the duration of the season. You cannot method jump intra-season. If you decide to change your capture method, you must do so during Off Season, so that you can properly prepare for Open Season . ( Off Season is when you get all your hunting gear ready and set up your deer stand . A productive Off Season leads to a fruitful Open Season. )

An Introduction to the Hunting Methods

Heres the quick version of the two methods (again, well discuss them in more detail in Chapters 4 and 5). When you choose to Bag n Tag, youre looking to capture a buck for anything from one hour to one week, and tag him for future fun. There is no commitment from either party other than committing to enjoying the time you spend together. Trophy Hunting is the final hunt. When you Trophy Hunt you are looking for that buck you want to mount , to screw to your wall (forgive the pun) forever as your life partner.

The best hunters can achieve either method. Im usually a Bag n Tagger , but I did once successfully Trophy Hunt . Years ago I tracked down the perfect buck and nailed him to my wall. Then I realized he didnt go with my dcor, so out he went. But thats me. You, the hunter , must decide which method is right for you so that you can then hunt accordingly. You have all of Off Season to think about what will be right for you in the coming months, so that when Open Season rolls around, you are ready to move forward.