Philip Galanes - Social Qs: How to Survive the Quirks, Quandaries and Quagmires of Today

The most commonly asked Social Qby faris how to get folks to thank us. For wedding gifts and birthday gifts and Christmas gifts and dinners, for letters of recommendation and rides to work, and even (once, anyway!) for help in covering up an extramarital affair. We like to be acknowledged. And people want me to tell them how to make that happen.

Its simple! Be more like the team of folks who helped me produce this bookbecause its impossible not to be grateful to them, or shout it from the rooftops.

So, thank you, to:

Mary Suh, Laura Marmor, Stuart Emmrich, Trip Gabriel and Joe Siano at the New York Times; Andy McNicol and Jennifer Rudolph Walsh at William Morris Endeavor; my amazing crew at Simon & Schuster: Kerri Kolen, the most inventive and stylish of editors, and the rest of the crack team: including Brian Ulicky (on publicity), Amanda Ferber (on marketing), and Sammy Perlmutter (on bass); Jonathan Evans, my scrupulous copy editor; Ruth Lee-Mui and Jason Heuer, who gave the book its terrific look and feel; Michael Selleck, whose sales and marketing departments have been so encouraging; and publisher Jon Karp and his associate, Richard Rhorer, who preside over an amazing crowd.

And most especially, to Michael Haverland, for reading every draft of every column and chapter, and for being nervy enough to make excellent suggestionsusually after I think Im done.

Many, many thanks to you all!

Well, youve made it to the end. No matter what other troubles befall you (or what your sister-in-law calls you behind your back) at least youre not a quitter.

And thats going to come in handy. Because our world is only getting smaller and faster and even more tangled up. Whether youre at home or the office, on public transportation or out in the street, at the movies or the gym, or (thanks to our profusion of electronic gadgetry) all of those places at once, life serves up problems faster than a speeding bullet and a powerful locomotive combined!

And this much is sure: Occasionally you are going to say the wrong thing, your neighbor is going to do the wrong thing, your husband is going to tweet the wrong thinggenerally, within ninety seconds of the call you receive from your sons school, telling you that hes just thrown up. Bumps in the road are inevitable, no matter how valiantly we try to avoid them.

But we can do our best. To minimize problems, if not prevent them; to not make the same mistakes twice; and to smooth over disruptions after theyve hurtled byand stained the living-room carpet. Our persistence can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes it can even persuade the people in our lives to try harder themselves. And what more can we ask for than that?

I hope Ive given you some helpful tools for handling our newfangled world, or at least some food for thought. So use that excellent head on your shoulders. And trust your instincts too, but not necessarily your first onesbecause the impulse to snap and fight can come faster (and fiercer) than the impulse toward peace and kindness. Go with Door No. 2 whenever possible.

Remember, youre not alone. Were all in the same choppy boat. And you can always count on me and Social Qs. Look for us every Sunday in the New York Times. And who knows, maybe if we petition the publisher, shell let me write a sequel. (God knows, Ive got the questions for it!)

So, good luck out there. Or as my dad used to say, in a goodbye routine we honed over many years of school drop-offs, See you in the papersleaving the punch line for me: Among the cartoons.

Dog Breath and B O and Snot, Oh My!

Q

My assistant is a train wreck: long, greasy hair pulled back into a ponytail, not a stitch of makeup, and dumpy clothes with food stains down the front. I try to set a good example, but she doesnt take the hint.

Yesterday was the last straw. She wore open-toed shoes that showed dirty, unkempt feet. I thought Id be sick! This young woman wants to move into the business world once she finishes her MBA. Shouldnt I speak with her to help her on her way?

Alexandra, Chicago

A

Come off it, Boss Lady! Youre not nearly as concerned with Miss Greasy-Haired, Scurfy-Toes career advancement as you are grossed out by her, right? (Thought so.) Better to keep quiet for the moment.

We dont get to weigh in with people just because they disgust us. There has to be some health risk to them or others, or a close, personal relationship to call on. (Or at least, a certainty that we can run faster than they can!)

But never fear, theres another way to skin this filthy cat: If your assistant considers you a mentorif she asks for career advice or solicits your opinionjump right in. Try: You know, Susie, bad presentation can be a big hindrance to women in the workplace. You may want to keep that in mind.

Just make sure, before opening your mouth, that its your assistants interests that are spurring you on, and not your gag reflex.

The world is filled with gorgeousness: blooming roses and verdant meadows, pretty people riding horseback.

But for every pale-pink peony in the world, Social Qs readers have isolated approximately three thousand instances of repulsive behavior: gassy bosses, lice-ridden schoolkids, and restaurant workers who skip out of the bathroom without so much as a backward glance at the sink, much less giving their hands a thorough scrub.

Weve had enough!

In the (almost) words of Rodgers and Hammerstein:

Fingers up noses, and dog breath on sisters,

Boyfriends with B O, and pasta in whiskers;

Kiddies who sneeze on us from here to Beijing,

These are a few of our least favorite things!

But when, exactly, can we speak up about bad hygiene, and with whom? Does it take more than a copy of our birth certificate and an offense to one of our five senses? Unfortunately, it does.

Well, how much more? That, my friend, is the question at hand.

Happily, Ive developed an easy, three-part test to help us know when were entitled to set filthy people straight.

No. 1: Is Anyones Health at Risk? (And I Dont Mean, Are You About to Vomit Because Youre So Grossed Out?)

Is the bad hygiene in question threatening anyones health, or are you merely disgusted by it? If a person could get sick, give yourself one point. If not, score it a zero. (Dont worry, this test doesnt require a score of 100 percent to speak up. There may be other reasons to weigh insince I know youre dying to.)