Susan Kuklin - Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out

The stories you are about to read are of real people, members of the transgender community, whom I have come to appreciate and respect. An author is supposed to be objective, and this author has withheld judgment while conducting interviews, taking photographs, and writing. But my subjects willingness to brave bullying and condemnation in order to reveal their individual selves makes it impossible to be nothing less than awestruck.

As part of their transition, most of the participants have changed their birth names. Whenever I refer to them, I use their chosen name and PGPs preferred gender pronouns before, during, and after their transition. My comments are represented in a different typeface.

Since each chapter is different, like a series of short stories, you can read them as I placed them or in whatever order you want.

Susan Kuklin

When Jessy got his period, he was confused. He says, It was, like, Oh-my-good-ness! I cried to my mom: Why, why, why? Why am I a woman? I dont want this. I dont want to give birth to a child. I want kids, but I dont want to be the one giving birth. I dont need menstruation. Mom, I dont want this.

You think I want it? she said. Every woman deals with it. Its what makes you a woman.

And I was, like, Oh, God! Here we go.

I was never a person who said, I hate my body. I just wanted it to fit more with what I felt inside. I ate right and treated my body with care because its the house of my soul. Ive always loved my body, and now I love it even more because it fits how I feel.

Ive never been gay-bashed. No one has ever said really hurtful things to me. Ive never experienced much disrespect from my peers. I think thats because I have a positive attitude. Ive always been happy and bubbly, and Ive never made people feel uncomfortable about who I am. My Facebook page says male so happy Im taking T, so Im out there. (T stands for testosterone, a male hormone.)

All in all, I had a fun childhood. I did a lot. I took music lessons piano and guitar. I was in honors band, and I also played the saxophone. Everyone has bad times, sad times, and I have too, but mostly Im the funny, loud, happy person in the room. Im the one making jokes, playing pranks. Ask my advisor. Ask my friends.

My real name is Kamolchanok. Its a long name. Im Thai. Im from Bangkok. When I moved to the U.S. with my parents, they said, No ones ever going to say your name properly, so lets just call you Jessica. I was okay with that when I was little.

I was always a tomboy, always the girl who played with boys. After a while, people said, Were going to call you Jess. Jessy. I still use my real name on legal documents, but everybody knows me as Jessy.

Im an only child, an only daughter. My parents call me their son now.

In the beginning...

When I was three or four, my parents moved us to the U.S. because of my dads career. Hes a diplomat. We lived in Cooper City, Florida, until I was about thirteen.

As a three-year-old, I had a lot of boy friends and we were always playing with toy guns. One day I went into the boys bathroom with them, and my mom pulled me out. You cant go into that bathroom. I was heartbroken.

Why cant I go into that bathroom?

Youre a girl you have to act like one. You cant always be with the boys. From that early age, I knew that being a girl is not me that is not how I feel.

I have preschool pictures of me wearing a suit and a necktie. It was at a Valentines Day party at school, and you had to dress nice. All the girls at school wore dresses. I said, Dad, I dont want to wear a dress. Can you pick out a suit and a necktie for me? And my dad bought a boys suit and a clip-on necktie. I was about six. I loved wearing suits and neckties. It felt right to me. But usually I wore dresses and stuff.

In first or second grade, I had a little crush on a girl. I remember thinking, Oh, shes so pretty. I wanted to pull her hair, to bother her. Should I be feeling this way? I wondered if the other girls felt this way.

When I was eight, I started taking karate and boxing. I remember how much I liked punching the heck out of the boys; I never wanted to fight little girls. It felt weird. I knew I was better than the girls, and I wanted more of a challenge. One time, even though we wore foam masks, I got a cut on my face. My dad saw it. Oh, I dont like to see you get punched, he said, and made me stop.

Instead, my mom forced me to take dancing. Try it! If you dont like it, well change. She wanted me to try Thai dancing, but because of playing basketball and soccer at a really young age, my hands were not flexible. I had no flexibility in my body. I couldnt even bend over to touch the tip of my toes.

She made me do a little tap, jazz dancing, and ballet. I cried every time I had to go. Nooooo! I would hold on to the bar and literally cry my eyes out. I dont want to wear spandex! No! I just cried. When it came time for the recital, she begged me, Please, just do it. I promise I will never make you do it again. Just do the recital. I did it. I felt like crap! I wore a sexy little red dress and bows in my hair, and I had to pose. I just wanted to cry. Why are you making me do this? I was so mad.

After that I started playing little-league soccer and was the star player. Everybody said, Your daughters amazing. All the coaches wanted me on their team.

Soccer and basketball were my main games because my dad loves those sports. He would teach me how to kick, how to shoot. He bought me a big hoop, and I would play with all the boys.

Once Jessy started puberty, reality came crashing down. There was one thing he did not want.

Breasts! I was starting to develop breasts. Oh, crap. I hated bras, never liked wearing them. I had always been a sports-bra person.

It wasnt just looks. Its the way people treated girls. I can hold my own door, thank you. I can protect myself.

When Jessy turned twelve, his family returned to Thailand. He learned to read and write Thai fluently at an international school that used an American curriculum. The textbooks were from America, and the teachers were mostly teaching in English. This helped him feel comfortable as a Thai and as an American. But yet something was wrong, and he couldnt put his finger on it.