Rik Mayall - Bigger than Hitler - Better than Christ

Give me your hand small ordinary person, and walk with mefor I shall be your guide. You dont have to worry with me for I shall not give you a quick feel-up or anything like that. For I am nice. And a lot nicer than those other cunts who write books and stuff.

Good afternoon. You know how like when youre writing a book, loads of great ideas come to you. Well thats whats happening to me. And you know how youre at the beginning of this book reading this now, well so am I, so its like were locked together, you and me, you know what I mean. Not like that, obviously, not dirty front bottom style, although we could be if you wanted, especially if youre a jugged-up kind of bird whos up for it. In fact, thinking about it, only really if you are a jugged-up bird whos up for it. Anyway, the thing is, here we are together, you and me. Except no, were not really, are we? Because Im writing this bit now and itll be a different time when youll be reading it, wont it? I mean, you know, think about it, it could be millions of years from now that youre reading it. I mean my now, not your now. Your now would be right now, wouldnt it? See, I was right. About both nows. You might even be someone from another planet. Or someone else from that planet. Or someone from a completely different planet. Or both of them. Or something. Or, oh forget all that. (Unless you are someone from another planet, in which case. Hello. Good afternoon to you too.)

So, basically, no one knows when or where you are reading this. So thats kind of cool isnt it. You know. Mysterious. I mean, this might be written on a cave wall some time after the next apoca-lyps. I just thought of that. Or somewhere else. Or not even there. But the thing is that none of this really matters so dont worry about it because its not important because what Im saying is, loads of people have written loads of books but the thing to remember about this book is that its better. A lot of books are just a load of old wank so they can fuck off. And if you dont believe me, you can fuck off too. In fact, if you want a fight, Im there. Im pretty good at fighting so youd better watch out. Better-watch-out-hes-pretty-good-at-fighting is my middle name. Always has been. No it hasnt. Thats bollocks. This isnt working. Lets start again.

Good afternoon. You know howoh just forget this fucking page. Its shit.

In the beginning was the word, and the word was Rik Mayall. Do you see what I did there? Thats the kind of guy I am. Unconventionable. And dont say that Im not because I am. And my career as a showbusiness legend spans decades and all of them (the decades that is) are choc full of successful movies, theatre events in the West End (and other places), cutting edge comedy television formats, number one hit records, funny and challenging chat show nonappearances and, most importantly, a string of highly inventive and genre-bursting (make that exploding and with some serious megatonnage as well) commercial television and radio product endorsements. People do not, and I repeat not, shout fat unfunny has-been at me in the streets. That has never happenedread my lipsever. A lot.

Now, you know me, Im a nice guy. You can ask anyone. So thats proof. Anyway, I want to tell you what happened to me the other day. Things happen to me all the time. Thats what its like if youre big famous. And Ive always been down with my ordinaries, I mean down as in that expression down with the kids meaning happening and cool and groovy not, you know, like, you know, anything else. So, I like to think that Im down with the kids [maybe change this]. What Im trying to say is that I like children. Oh fuck, look just erase all this, forget about it. What Im really trying to say is that I like you a lot and Im down with youactually, I need to stop saying down with. Im in with youoh God that sounds as though I want to get your stuff all over my fingers. Look, just go to the next paragraph. I didnt mean it and its all shit.

What Im really definitely trying to say here and now is that I AM THE RIK MAYALL. Good. Thats sorted. Moving on. Were really getting somewhere now.

Picture the scene. Maybe its a Tuesday afternoonfuck it, it isthis is my book. This happened, right. Its last Tuesday. Im in a crowded pub, having the third of three halvesIm quite a big drinkerthe world like theyre beating the shit out of me but which are, in fact, all part of the acters craft. Anyway, it wasnt. So forget about that. So, back to last Tuesday, and the next thing I know is Im carrying out an emergency landing on the pavement outside the pub which is when a small pale man in a red overcoat came up to me.

Youre Rik Mayall, arent you? he said to me.

I am he, said I.

Rik Mayall! No, no, I cant believe it! You are The Rik Mayall! You must be some kind of God, The Rik! The son of God or something! You have changed my life! When I saw first saw you in Boom! Boom! Out Go The Lights on the television in the early eighties, I laughed so much I coughed up half a lung and had to be taken to hospital. And after I watched you on Top of Pops with Cliff Richard, I was pissing blood for a week. To this day, my girlfriend and I like to tape the Andrex commercials and do sex to the sound of your voice as you bring the Andrex puppy to life with your challenging portrayal. Its the only thing thats kept our relationship together. Are you a God, Rik Mayall? You must be. You are like a shining beacon in the darkness of British light entertainment. And now I see you as just a mass of blood and teeth. You must be having another one of your many Rik Mayall show-business accidents.

That. Was the moment. Suddenly there was a thundercrack. I looked up and the clouds parted. I found myself in a blinding shaft of golden light. Im not joking. This happened. There I was standing in the lesser known alleyways of Londons Soho as if chosen, locked in a vast sunbeam of divine glory. It suddenly became clear to me. I was in the middle of having an epiphany. It was a sign from above. It was my divine destiny calling to me. It was everyones divine destiny. For I realised that what the people of this ) It would be like a gift to all my fans. Well not strictly a gift as theyd have to pay for it but you get the general idea. Whats a few quid when theres people starving in the world? You havent got an answer for that, have you?

Im going to write a book, I said out loud.

Wha-wha-wha-wha-what? (He was stammering, thats not a typo. Its actually rather good writing. I dont know why he was stammering. Perhaps he was masturbating while looking at me. It happens.) Wha-wha-wha-wha-what? He repeated. The Good Book?

No, The Great Book.

On hearing my plan, the man in the red overcoatyou know, the one I was talking to a minute ago outside the pubhis bowels spontaneously evacuated and he dropped to his knees, trembling.

Oh God in heaven help me, he intoned [or something that means speak only kind of grander].

Yes, you heard right Roger [check name]. Pretty soon there are going to be only two types of people in this world: those who have read my book and those who havent. The line is drawn in the sand and youve got to decide which side youre on.

Crikey Rik Mayall, youre so right there like you always are and I respect you for it.

I know, thanks.

So, as you stand there with this book in your hands (maybe youre at home in your front room or whatever ordinary people call their living areasor maybe youre in that Godawful shit hole for the friendless, with the coffee and the easy chairswhats it called? Waterstones, thats it) you can think to yourself that you are part of this call to destiny and you can see that this is a whole new front that Ive opened up here on my war on showbusiness. And I bet you anything you like that this will be every bit as successful as all the other great stuff that Ive done over the years. And if you dont believe me then Ive got just one word to say to you: fuck off. (I did it again then, did you get that? What youve got to realise here is that youre stuck slap bang in the middle of a firestorm of red hot literary cluster missiles of explosive word play and punctuation.