Spencer Walker - Cook to Bang: The Lay Cooks Guide to Getting Laid

COOK TO BANG

The Lay Cooks Guide to Getting Laid

SPENCER WALKER

ST. MARTINS GRIFFIN

NEW YORK

COOK TO BANG. Copyright 2010 by Spencer Walker. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. For information, address St. Martins Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Book design by Level C

All photographs by Noah Abrams

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Walker, Spencer.

Cook to bang : the lay cooks guide to getting laid / Spencer Walker.1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-312-60018-1

1. Aphrodisiac cookery. 2. Seduction. I. Title.

TX652.W22 2010

641.5'63dc22

2009046745

First Edition: May 2010

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

This book is dedicated to all the girls I loved before.

Y ou may ask yourself, Why Cook to Bang?

I ask, Why do anything else?

The answer is basic survival. Humans must eat and procreate in order to perpetuate. If we do not, we will become the New Coke of evolution: a mistake doomed to extinction. Human history has proven that we are not just some cruel experiment performed by your respective deity. The reason? We effectively Cook and Bang.

Food and sex have been linked since the dawn of civilization. Cavemen once roasted saber-toothed tiger kebabs for their cave babes. This set the mood for Cro-Magnon copulation. Neanderthals knew the importance of cooking for their lovers. This has been lost on the modern dating population. Most of these First World suckers are willing to blow half their paycheck on a fancy dinner only to end up with a doggy bag and blue balls. Why?

Cooking to Bang doesnt require harvesting a kidney to pay for the dinner bill. You can avoid the awkward invitation inside after a date. And going the extra mile yields decadent dividends. Culinary skills are as essential to the art of seduction as a brush and easel are for painting. Be the Picasso in the pantry, Van Gogh up the grill, and shake your Monet maker. Cook to Bang offers simple, effective methods for enjoying the two greatest pleasures: food and sex.

Anyone can cook an amazing meal and bring out their dates inner slut. The only way for the human race to continue is to eat and bang. So do your part. Learn how to wine, dine, and sixty-nine your dream date with minimal harm to your credit card or self-esteem. Cook to Bang is based on three simple principles:

1. CHEAPER THAN A RESTAURANT
2. THEYRE ALREADY IN YOUR HOME
3. YOURE DESSERT

This should be obvious to anyone who has taken a date to Chez Douchebag and part of their soul died when the check arrived. You put your financial stability on the line for a piece of strange. Perhaps you got laid six ways from Sunday. You may be walking bowlegged or threw your back out attempting some feat reserved for Cirque du Soleil. But I wager that you more likely ended up with a kiss on the cheek and, if you are lucky, the privilege to bankroll future platonic adventures. So just as an experiment, take a few steps back and imagine how the condition of your bank account and libido would fair cooking at home. Worst-case scenario: you would yield the same result for less cash. Do it right and you can skip the three-dates-before-banging rule. Regardless, it is the right move considering the current economy is more flaccid than a eunuch stuffing dollar bills in Rosie ODonnells G-string.

The only thing more awkward than a first kiss is a prostate exam. (A doctor fingering a mans exit-only may feel odd, but at least there is a health benefit.) Your mental health will suffer should you be rejected or worse, not try at all. A word to the wise: it is better to regret something you have done than regret something you havent. First kisses are nearly impossible to execute in the wrong setting: a restaurant, your dates parents house, a purity ball. But your home is your private domain, your dungeon of decadence. The best part is there is no awkward invitation inside when you host a date in your pad. Asking them in after a regular date is a loaded question that puts your ego on the chopping block again. Why risk it? You can make your move in the privacy of your own comfort zone without Peeping Toms whacking it or prudish cops writing you a ticket for public indecency. You can be as indecent as your perverted mind can muster behind closed doors.

I imagine this should speak for itself. But for those who fail to grasp the concept of innuendo, pay attention. Im using dessert to hint at sexual intercourse. That is when a man and woman, or two men, or two women (Ill get the popcorn), or any , Advanced CTB: Culinarylingus.

Simple, right? Just be your charming self, cook like a champ, and you will be banging. Your task is to find that special someone you plan to seduce. This book isnt a guide how to pick up that girl or boy of your dreams. There are plenty of books on the art of pickup. If you were clever enough to buy this book, you are clever enough to set up a simple dinner date. Perhaps its an art chick you met at a gallery opening, a club slut at a techno dance party, or a redneck at a NASCAR rally. There is a key to unlock, or more accurately, unzip any door. Some of these doors bust wide open with nothing more than a compliment. Others take some finessing and caressing. Get their phone number and plan like a general in the final battle of a war. It is vital to understand your chosen conquest and how you can exploit them for your own perverted gains. I believe in you.

Curious how Cook to Bang came to exist? Cook to Bangs genesis came out of anthropological observations of the modern dating population. The clear pattern observed was poor execution of a tried-and-true plan: wine and dine. Simple enough, right? Apparently not. There is a clear disconnect for chumps who assume legs will open wider than a porn stars if they spend X amount of dollars on a meal. I have fielded countless phone calls from sexually frustrated friends heading home before 10 P.M. from dates they thought were slam-dunk sex-capades. Theyll say, I thought she was up for it. Youd think Id at least get a hummer. That sushi dinner cost a hundred bucks! Newsflash, suckers: there is no ratio for amount of money spent to sexual activity unless you hire a hooker. Chances are it would be cheaper and at least you would get your rocks off. The only problem is you risk incarceration, disease, and possibly ending up on next weeks episode of To Catch a Predator.

So whats the solution? Cook to Bang, my friends. This is something I learned in college. I was a horny young man in my sexual prime without a cast-iron pot to piss in. What I needed was a hook to make me stand out from the frat-tastic douche-bags with their steroid enhanced muscles sporting Celtic knot tattoos and wearing backward baseball caps. I was a scrawny hippie with a weed habit that made Cheech and Chong look like lightweights. I also had a knack for thinking outside the box, which had landed me in detention in high school, but I knew was one of my true assets. I needed a cure stat for the blue balls I sported my entire first semester in college. Yes, you read that right. I did not bang or even kiss a girl my entire first semester of college. Pathetic, right? I agree. Instead of crying into my keg cup, I did something about it. The hook I found that made me stand out from the Chads, Daves, and Mikes of Eta Pi was to cook for the ladies.