Krista Ritchie - Addicted for Now

Of all the days in the month, I have to be stuck in traffic on the one that means the most to me. I try not to badger Nola, my familys driver, on our ETA to the house I share with Rose. Instead, I anxiously shift on the leather seat and rapidly text my sister.

Is he already there? Please say no, please tell me I havent missed his homecoming. Im supposed to wait on the white wrap-around porch of our secluded house in Princeton, New Jersey: many acres of lush land, a crystal blue pool, black shutters. The only thing its missing is the picket fence. Im supposed to give him a tour of the cozy living room and the granite kitchen, leading him upstairs to the bedrooms where I sleep. He wont be in one of the two guestrooms. Nope, hell be making residence in mine for the first time ever.

And maybe awkwardness will linger at the idea of sharing a bed and a bathroom day and night, at the idea of cohabitating beyond a kitchen. Our relationship will be one-hundred percent real, and therell be no nightcaps of bourbon or whiskey. Ill be able to say dont do that. And hell be able to grip my wrists, keeping me from compulsively climaxing until I pass out.

Were supposed to help each other.

For the past three months, thats what weve planned. And if Im not there to greet himthen Ive already messed up in some way. After three whole months of being physically apart, I thought Id be able to get this rightthe celebration of his return from rehab. On top of desperately wanting to touch him, for him to hold me in his arms, I feel a sudden wave of guilt. Please be late like me, is all I think.

The text pings, and I open the message, a knot tightening my stomach.

Hes unpacking Rose

My face falls, and a lump rises to my throat. I can just picture his expression as he opened the car door, expecting me to fling my arms around him and start sobbing into his shoulder at his arrival. And Im not there.

Was he upset? I text back. I bite my nails, my pinky starting to bleed a little. The habit has made my fingers look ghastly these past ninety days.

He seemed okay. How much longer will you be? Rose

She must hate being alone with him. Theyve never been good friends since I chose to spend time with Lo more than I do with her. But shes been kind enough to allow him to stay with us.

Maybe ten minutes. After I text her, I scroll through my contacts and land on Lo. I hesitate before I type another quick message. Im so sorry. Ill be there soon.

Five slow minutes pass with no response, and Ive squirmed so much on the seat that Nola asks if she needs to stop somewhere so I can use the bathroom. I decline. Im so nervous that my bladder probably wont function properly anyway.

My phone buzzes in my hand, popping my heart from my ribcage. How was the doctor? Lo

Rose must have clued him in on the reason for my absence. I scheduled my gynecologist appointment four months ago because shes crazily booked, and I would have canceled if I thought Id be able to nab an appointment sometime soon. But thats doubtful. And it didnt help that my gynecologist is near the University of Pennsylvania in Philly, not even close to Princeton where I now live. Having to drive back has eaten up all of my time.

I had to wait for about an hour. She was running behind, I text.

After a long moment, a new message flashes. Everythings okay though? Lo

Oh, thats what he was asking. Im so hung up on missing his homecoming that I didnt think about him being worried. I type back. Yep, looks good. I cringe, wondering if that was a weird reply. I basically just said my vagina looks goodwhich is kinda strange.

See you soon Lo

He has always been a brief texter, and right now, Im cursing him for it. My paranoia grows and the pressure on my chest does not subside. I grip the door handle, about ready to stick my head out of the moving vehicle to puke. Dramatic, I realize, but with our situationrecovering alcoholic and a struggling sex addictwere anything but mundane.

Ninety whole days passed and I stayed faithful to Lo. I saw a therapist. But sex still has a way of making me feel better, masking other emotions and filling a deep hollowness. Im trying to find the healthy kind and not the compulsive I have to fuck everyday type of sex. Im still uncomfortable talking about it, but at least I made progress the same way Lo did in rehab.

My mind whirls right up until Nola pulls into my driveway. All thoughts vacuum out into another dimension, and I dazedly say thanks and drift from the car. Purple hydrangeas frame the three-story house, rocking chairs lined in a row on the porch, and an American flag clings against a metal pole near a weeping willow.

I try to inhale the peacefulness and bury my anxiety, but I end up choking on springtime pollen, coughing into my arm. Why does the prettiest season also have to be the most foul?

I shouldnt hesitate in the front yard. I should rush right inside and finally touch the man that plagues my fantasies. But I wonder how different he will seem up close in person. I worry about the awkwardness from being apart for so long. Will we fit the same way we used to? Will I feel the same in his arms? Or will everything be irreparably different?

I muster a bit of courage to walk forward. And by the time I climb the porch, the door swings open. I freeze on the highest stair and watch the screen door clatter into the side of the house. Then he emerges, wearing a pair of dark jeans, a black tee, and an arrowhead necklace I gave him for his twenty-first birthday.

I open my mouth to say something, but I cant stop my eyes from grazing every inch of him. The way his light brown hair is styled, full on top, shorter on the sides. The way his cheekbones sharpen to make him look deadly and gorgeous. The way he reaches up and rubs his lips, as though hoping theyll touch mine. He rakes my body with the same impatience, and then his head tilts to the side, our eyes finally meeting.

Hi, he says, breaking into a breathtaking smile. His chest falls heavily, nearly in sync with my uneven rhythm.

Hi, I whisper. A large distance separates us, reminding me of when he first left for rehab. Picking up a foot and closing the gap feels like crawling up a ninety-degree angle. I need him to help me reach the top.

He takes a step near me, snapping the tension. All these sensations burst in my belly. I love him so much. I missed him so much. For three months, I felt the pain of being separated from my best friend while trying to fight my sexual compulsions. I needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I needed him by my side, but I would never take him from rehab for my benefit, not when it would be detrimental to his recovery. And I want Lo to be healthy more than anything. And I want him to be happy.

Im back, he murmurs.

I try to restrain my tears, but they flow unwillingly, sliding from the creases of my eyes. I should be emerging from the doorway to greet him, and he should be the one lingering on the porch stairs. Why are we so backwards all the time?

Im sorry, I tell him, wiping my eyes slowly. I should have been here an hour ago

He shakes his head and his brows pinch together like dont worry about that.

I stare at the length of him again with a more confident nod. You look good. I cant tell that hes sober exactly. He hasnt lost that look in his eyethe one that seems to kiss my soul and trap me altogether. But hes not beaten or withered or gaunt. In fact, he has more muscle to his name, his biceps supremely cut. And after a Skype session some time ago, I know his whole body matches those arms.